Jesus is totally white...trash.

I know because we had a Memorial Day barbie-q (or Baughrbeauquex for the French) together.

I don't usually like to hang out with Regular Jesus because he's kind of a douche; plus he'd rather hang out in the strip clubs and by where the prostitutes gather. He says that he's only there to get them to "repent," but come on, we're not stupid.

Anyway, I invited him over and he actually showed up. It's obvious that he hasn't been out much lately because he is really pasty white, and his hair is all greasy. I have long hair too (in human form), but I can at least wash mine. Apparently that's too much trouble for his royal "king of kings" highness. And it was kind of funny to see his skinny arms and sunken chest with a protruding beer belly. I snickered at it and he gave me the whole, "judge not lest ye be judged" line - same tired bullshit material that's not really helpful when someone has really let themselves go and is totally in denial.

But whatever, I'm just trying to get him to wake up and do something productive for a change instead of just threaten people with a "return to glory" - the tell tale sign of a has-been.

"I'm going to do it, man. I'm totally going to come back and burn the shit out of the world."

Yeah right. We've heard this before. When is it going to actually happen?

"It's going to happen WHEN I SAY IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN! You don't even know, man. I'm going to come like a thief in the night. You don't even know. You'll just wake up one morning, and you'll be like, 'Whoa! What the fuck!? I'm on fire!' And then you'll be sad that you didn't respect me."

So, why haven't you done it yet? I mean what are you really waiting for?

"Man, fuck you. I still have some shit to do first you know. Like, I've got important SHIT to do first. Plus, I'm still waiting on some money from my dad. You know, he owes all this back child support to my mom. And that money was supposed to be mine. I have big plans, man. Just wait, you'll see."

The party was then ruined when Jesus turned all the water into booze and everyone got trashed without realizing it. Jesus became really loud and wouldn't shut up, so the cops came and he was arrested.

What a fucking surprise. That guy is always either getting arrested or running from the law.

So we all stood out on the front lawn while the cops shoved his head down into the car. He really made an ass out of himself too while shouting, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the 'King of Kings?'" The cops just laughed and asked what kingdom he was 'ruler' over, and they laughed even harder when he shouted, "My kingdom isn't of this world!"

Jesus is totally white trash.

The quest for publishing.

This week I done talked to some peeps to get meself done published.  And by talk, I don't none mean talkity talk, but I do done mean emailing talk.  But it's just the emailing talk and I ain't seen nothing back from no one nohow.

Ain't people done understand that this here is good scribing shit?

Ain't they gots enough horse sense to learn that I's good at tellin stories about scripture cypherin?

Now I know how Joseph Smith felt hisself when he tried to sell the Book of Mormon copyright to those Syrup drinkers up in Wendigo country.

Draft Exit Letter

Yo Dodge,

It has come to my attention that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is total bullshit. I hereby renounce my membership in said church. I am aware that this will revoke all blessings and spells that your wizards and warlocks have placed upon me, just as I am aware that my access to the magyk of the priesthood will be shut off.

None of that bothers me because as a grown-ass man I know that Dungeons and Dragons isn't real just like this make believe religion.

While it won't stop your goons from contacting me, I will demand that this be the last contact I have with the racist, sexist, homophobic organization you call "the Church." Also, fuck the church - I don't need a bunch of be-diapered liars to tell me what I can and can't do in eternity, and who I can and can't be with after I die. I especially don't give a flying rat fuck about a leadership who pretends that this "church" is run by "Christ" but they don't even get to see his zombie ass.

Hahahahahahahaha. Your god is so fucking lazy and stupid. And I'm out.

Tell Monson he can lick my balls,


Raptor Jesus


P.S. I know you're not worried about me being the husk of the man you are, but just in case, don't worry about me now being open to the "buffetings of Satan." You see, I got an "Outstanding" on my "Defense against the Dark Arts" OWLS, and my Patronis spell is totally bad ass. It's a tiger, riding a dragon, that breathes sharks, who wield chainsaws.

I think I'll be OK.

About Saturday's "Rapture"

Most of you had heard the rumors that Regular Jesus was coming back on Saturday to judge the world and bring fire to the sinners of the earth.

And what a surprise that that shit didn't fucking go down.  What may be a surprise though are the events leading to the anti-climactic 21st of May, 2011 year of the false lord.

Regular Jesus really WAS planning to come back.  He let it slip to one of his craziest followers and told the asshole not to blab about it, but choosing crazy assholes usually leads to secrets leaked.

While I had heard the rumor as well, I hadn't thought there was much about it - but I laid my plans anyway.  I invited Regular Jesus to attend a monster truck rally on Saturday with me.  That way the only things getting burned would be the sacrifices rendered unto Truckasaurus.

Being the sneaky queef that he is, Regular Jesus stood me up and thought that I was preoccupied leaving Earth completely unprotected.

But I was my own plan's decoy.  Regular Jesus was arrogant in his plan, and while he was gloating over burning chaff over wheat and calling people sheep and goats and other stupid things.  He felt supreme and blood thirsty never realizing that I had enlisted the help of one of Earth's greatest warriors, Macho Man Randy Savage.

Having been given the "Slim Jim" treatment by Savage, the world is safe again from Regular Jesus's murderous rampages.

The day I learned what the word "twink" meant.

Right around the time that Larry H. Miller was doing the whole, "God hates gays, and so do I" thing with the movie Brokeback Mountain, he was found to be shouting during a Jazz practice at the players, "You bunch of overpaid twinks."

Not many people happened to think much of it or know what in the crap he was talking about.

However, the gay community did. Why? Because that word comes from the gay community.

A 'twink' is a cute young boy who looks like a very cute young boy.  He's the male equivalent of the "schoolgirl" fantasy.  And the term was NOT well known in the heterosexual world.  I had no clue, and it was only my gay brother who said, go google it, and you'll see what I mean.

AND BOY HOWDY DID I!  It was like an MTC after gym time reunion without the aging!

What's the point of this?  Well, it's just interesting that back in 2006, a very prominent Mormon who was being very prominent about his disdain for showing a film where gay cowboys did gay things and were trying to not be so gay but finding out that maybe it wasn't the gay that was wrong but how everyone else viewed gaiety happened to use a VERY, VERY gay term (as a pejorative, yes) but one that wasn't known by heterosexuals of MY generation let alone HIS generation.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.............

The constitution will hang by a thread

Mormonism has many "doomsday prophesies" in its folklore.  One such states that, "the American Constitution will hang by a thread and the Elders of the church will save it."

With the elections coming up and many Mormons very sad that President Obama is President using his Presidential powers to complete tasks for his Presidency, some Mormons think that this prophesy is about to come true because of Mitt Romney running.

As we learned in Star Wars though, prophesies can be misread and maybe the whiny little bitch isn't the Chosen One - or bringing "balance to the force" means slaughtering all the Jedi in training children.

So maybe this prophesy will come true, but will look like this:

Like, maybe a giant spider breaks into the archives and steals the constitution and then puts it into a web to ransom it off for coke money.

Meanwhile a group of elders in New Zealand find the sword "Sting" and then go to battle the giant spider and when they get into the den they chop up the web and the constitution is hanging by a thread and they are all like, "No!!!!!"

And the spider is all like, "my coke money!" So then the spider goes to eat the constitution because if he can't have it no one can. And so he snips the last thread and the constitution is about to fall in the lava (did I mention that there was lava because that's important?)

And one elder says, "Noooooooooo" and jumps after the constitution and the other elders say, "Nooooooo" and they stab the spider to death.

And the first elder gets the constitution but is hanging on the ledge and the other elder is like, "Nooooooooooo" but he gets the constitution, but the other elder falls into the lava and they both are like, "Noooooooooooooooo!"

Maybe that's how that prophesy works.

124 pages and 50,000 words

Today I printed off the first draft of the manuscript.  There is plenty to do because I need to go through all 124 pages with a red pen while peering over my glasses with a sour disapproving look on my face.  I just probably wear a lacy polyester blouse and pencil skirt with nylons and orthopedic shoes and put my hair into a bun while I edit.

I still have a few more stories to insert of some importance and some rearranging, but the 2nd draft of the manuscript will be much tighter and ready to submit to any and all publishers/book agents that request it.

I have also put together my publishing packet and will start to email it to publishers this week.

Here's to hoping that this doesn't take forever.