Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Caffeine, the Devil's Smegma.

The last few days I've been feeling "in a funk" which, is completely different than "feeling the funk" or "feeling funky." The first one causes your body to slump its shoulders and your top teeth to stick out as if you were a mouth-breathing donkey. While the last two phrases cause uncontrollable gyrations of the pelvic area in the hopes of attracting a mate.

So at lunch, I got a Cherry Coke. And this is rare for me. I rarely suckle at caffeine's harpy teat.

Not because of some lingering vestiges of Mormonism's influence. No, I don't drink caffeinated beverages because it makes me BETTER than everyone else.

While everyone else is enjoying their coffee to not pass out during work, I am fueled by a self righteous sense of superiority. Surrounded by weak and pathetic drug abusers, I have lifted myself on to the highest horse by my own sheer will.

Mounted on high, I can view the disgusting subhumans clawing through garbage like raccoons - just to get another fix.

But today, I became one of those raccoons, and not even a classy raccoon like, the King or Duke of Raccoons. No, I was just a peasant raccoon with a conical leather cap and feces stained tunic.

Sure the Cherry Coke tasted like Heavenly Mother's carbonated milk, and my thoughts became clearer and my mood temporarily improved.

But at what price?

At what price?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

September 11th isn't just about Islamic extremists.

No no.

September 11, has a much longer history of religious fuckfaces taking out their bullshit ideas on other peoples' lives.

September 11, 1857 is also the date for the Mountain Meadows Massacre.  If you aren't aware, here's a decent starting place.

Just remember that it is a starting place.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Evolution is Wrong!!!

Once upon a time god collected the scattered remains of other dead worlds that were floating through space and he brought them to where the earth is now.

Then he squeezed them together like dried out scraps of play-doh and added some water so they didn't just crumble into multi colored dust that gets into the shag carpet and is hard to vacuum out.

After that, he got some more water from the tap in his magical space laboratory and poured it onto what is now the "earth." He scuplted the planet until water could be still in lakes, rivers, oceans etc. Then, god got some seed spread from his divine chia-pet and rubbed it over the land. Afterwhich, he turned the light on in his grow room where he keeps his personal stash and turned on the hydroponic system that he bought from the "novelty store" run by those two aging hippies.

God took a trip to the Dollar Store and got a few packages of plastic animals, and after pulling on the packaging too hard the animals burst out and went everywhere.

"Goddamnit!" God exclaimed because some of the animals landed safely onto the earth while others like the package of dinosaurs landed too hard into the wet play-doh and sank inside.

But god was too lazy to pick them out because he'd totally have to wash his hands AGAIN, and he already had to do that when he went potty (not very well though because the bacteria and viruses got all over the earth he was man handling), so the dinosaurs were just left where they were.

God saw that he hadn't created 'man' yet, and he wanted man to be special. Fuck those cheap animals, man was going to be awesome. God was going to make him from the same goo the earth was made from. So god shrank himself down and transformed into the image of man, so that he knew what the eventual end product would look like.

After molding the earth so carefully and massaging every curve of muscle into just the right shape, god put his finger into the man's face and swirled it around just so gently forming the mouth.

God then bent down and placed his own mouth onto the clay forming a very hot, tight seal. And god then blew that man's mouth so hard until the man's rippling chest heaved up and down into rhythm with god's.

After wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he saw the man's eyes open slowly and he knew it had been just as good for the man as it had been for god.

The end!