Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Raptor Jesus' Guide to Eating Babies

Poor, Irish folk got you down?

Trapped in a post-apocalyptic nightmare where there's no food and ash falls from the sky like snow?

Or simply tired of the same three restaurants?

Try eating Babies!

As a raptor, we've known for eons how delightful eating babies can be.

Steal an egg from a nest - Deeeeeeeeeelicious. Or possibly cull the weak or diseased from your own hatch. Yum yum yum. There are many reasons to try a chewy child treat, and none of them wrong.

But what is the best way to eat a baby?

Well, freshest is bestest as they say. But babies only last for two years tops, so you'll need to have some back up ideas.

Try juicing your freshly caught chillins. Add some vodka for a kid cocktail after a long hard day.

You've earned it!

Add some worcestershire sauce and a stalk of celery for the most authentic Bloody Mary possible.

Freeze dried babies are not ideal, but they can make an acceptable caserole or added to make a child chilli.

Frozen babies last about as long as any other meat, so watch out for that freezer burn.


Fresh babies can be prepared any way you can think. Baked, grilled, fried, pureed into soup, or even Ba-By-Qued.

Only your imagination can stop you. Just remember, a baby in the pot is worth two in the backyard.

Bon Apetite!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

To everyone who doubts and feels that the church may still be true.

Lean on my anti-testimony until you find your own. Until you can say that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt and with every fiber of your being that the church is full of racoon feces, let me say it for you, while you feel the spirit of the unholy ghost frost your crotch confirming my words.

Just like the parable of the Bachelor and the Seven Whores that gathered shots of J├Ąger to enter the frat party, such is the way of the exmormon.

Don't be the whore without booze that was left outside of the party and had to text her sister to pick her up and it was very embarrassing, and she totally felt like a loser. Don't be the exmormon without your own anti-testimony.

Listen to the former prophet's grandson, study the journal of discourses, and pray to me, Raptor Jesus, and no TBM will ever deceive you with the pretend truth.

Blog peeps and peepettes. It is my blasphemous prayer that you will take my counsel and cram it.

Alsodontforgettorock, Amen.

Monday, July 11, 2011

For those of you who resign/want to resign.

But don't want to meet with the local leadership.

First of all, you of course don't have to. Second of all, it doesn't matter if you did.

However, I have to be honest in saying that I sometimes fantasize about going to your meetings with the Bishop and Stake President along with you as your "arbiter."

I do this because I would find it to be hysterical, and in my brain of hearts the scene would play out similar to a settlement meeting (but one from TV).

Bishop Buttkiss and Stake President Patronizing would sit across from us in a large room with a large desk. In the background you can see sexy people looking busy through the large panes of glass.

The Stake President is calm and collected in his expensive grey suit. His silver hair is perfectly parted and the right side has a slight curl to the bangs.

The Bishop looks haggard and weary in his cheap suit. His stress gut wheezes up and down, straining over his too small pants.

Raptor Jesus Esquire sits back almost lounging. One arm resting slightly on the arm of the chair. The other wrist sitting gently on the edge of the table. His long hair and bebearded face would seem almost out of place except for the clothes he wears. His deep navy blue suit is made darker by the black shirt underneath, but is offset by the silver patterned tie. His crooked smile and icy blue gaze never leave the Stake President's Face.

The client is trying her best to remain calm. She has been coached to keep her hands clasped underneath the table resting on the thighs of her pantsuit. No more dresses for her unless she chooses them.

The Bishop goes to speak but is interrupted immediately by the Stake President.

Stake President: Sister Hug-E-Bear,

RJ Esq: She's not your sister, Mr. Patronizing.

Both Bishop and Stake President breathe in noticeably and exhale slowly.

Stake President: Very well. Ms. Hug-E-Bear. We received your request for resignation but we must demand that you reconsider it.

RJ Esq: Let the record show that neither Mr. Buttkiss nor Mr. Patronizing is the boss of my client.

Bishop: Look, we just...

Stake President (flashing his teeth quickly at the Bishop and touching his arm): Siste...Ms. Please! How can you put your eternal salvation at risk like this??? And your family...

Client Hug-E-Bear goes to speak, she is obviously shaken. Raptor Jesus Esquire puts his hand up slightly.

RJ Esq: My client doesn't have to answer any of your questions. However, she has prepared a statement in case of this particular question. (He sifts quickly through papers until finding the right one. Tilting his head back so he can read the paper through the glasses). My client has requested (his eyes peer over his glasses to the two sitting on the other side of the table) that you "fuck yourselves...."

Stake President: This is an outrage!

Bishop: Disgusting!

RJ Esq: (continuing) She also requests that you, "Eat shit and THEN die."

Stake President (getting up): This is offensive, let's go, Bishop.

Bishop (quickly getting up as well): Absolutely.

Stake President (while walking from the room and waggling his finger): You are making a BIG MISTAKE!

(The Bishop is shaking his head in sadness as he begins to exit)

RJ Esq (voice rising as they leave the room): Furthermore, you can kiss Her Bum, ONE TIME!!!

The two sit alone in the room for a moment.

RJ Esq to client: See? That was kind of fun!

End Scene!!!!

Monday, July 4, 2011

4th of July History Lesson to all my Un-American readers.

100 years ago today (and each year it is ALWAYS 100 years), god was helping give birth to the greatest country that he has ever given us, but Satan was trying to thwart that by controlling the evil Britannica king Merryweather Fanncyfanny by inviting the founding fathers to a tea party. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Jesus, and Captain Moroni showed up and king Fancyfanny tossed the hot tea RIGHT IN THEIR FACES!

It was an outrage! And war were declared.

As was the style at the time, the victor would be determined by a flexing contest. Gathering the finest oils and body glitter from France, the founding fathers rent their frilly blouses in twain and flexed with all their might.

Their shiny bulging muscles were too much to handle, and the Brits were driven back by sheer vascularity.

America had won it's Independence while the losers were forced to go door to door selling encyclopedias documenting their defeat.

Because of our heritage - this is why many American politicians are elected even today based on pictures of their rippling muscles.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Book update.


Thanks everyone who's still checking out the blog even though I've gone mostly dormant.  I wanted to let all you reading peeps know that I've found someone who will help me self-publish in e-format.  I get to keep all the rights, so if later I need to publish in "regular" book form - I can.

I'm putting the manuscript all together right now and sending it to some beta readers for some feedback.  Because of how I've written it, there will definitely be some "smoothing" that will need to take place for the stories to flow.  I also have some nevermos reading in order to get feedback on anything that I need to explain further about Mormonism.

I'm hoping to be ready to publish in a month, I'll let you know when that happens.  You'll be able to get it for anything that supports an ebook form.  So your Kindle or Nook or itouch, ipad, or iphone and maybe more.

Peace out!