Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Simpsons and Mormon outrage.

Sometime before 1989 my family happened to catch the Tracey Ullman show and saw some short cartoons about a family called the Simpsons.  We thought that they were awesome, and were very excited when we learned that they would be getting their own show.  Before they debuted however, we couldn't remember the name of the cartoon family and simply referred to them as the "Sackheads" because Bart and Lisa's hair reminded us of the tops of paper bags with the ^^^^^^^ edge to it.

When the show finally came out, our family never missed an episode.  My parents thought that it was an incredibly clever, funny show.  They would point out to the rest of us as children when the show was making an allusion to a famous movie, book, or work of art.  We loved it enough that quoting it became a staple of our conversations and to really follow some family conversations, it was best to have certain episodes memorized.

This reaction to the show was NOT the correct one as far as church went.  It seemed that Matt Groening was a warlock and sat upon his throne in his dark tower and concocted evil spells that allowed for demons to be transmitted through television sets.  The sound and fury of the church members against that evil, evil show was so overbearing that our family simply kept it secret that we watched the show.  It was just easier to pretend that we didn't view it, then get into fights.  And for us as children, we couldn't really defend ourselves against the grown adults public scorn. Friends of mine were forbidden to even watch any part of it lest they suffer Satanic possession.

This time period was roughly when the prophet came out and said not to watch R-rated movies.  And when a prophet says something like, "don't watch R-rated movies," that sparks a massive fire about whether or not this statement is a "new commandment" or just "counsel."  I guess I was too stupid to ever know the difference because the end result of going against them is the same.  Public chastisement by everyone who loves to publicly chastise.  And Mormonism might hold the record on the number of those members.

I remember before learning to keep things like this a secret, I was chastised as an eight year old by a middle aged woman for watching the Simpsons.  When she heard that I watched it with my parents, her response was, "Well! They should KNOW better!"

But we never did.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

All this writing shit down myself is hard work.

No wonder Regular Jesus just had a bunch of mother fuckers write it down for him later.


Friday, June 24, 2011


I'm totally getting drunk.  Lick my cloaca...if I were a chick, Mormon leaders.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A very special MTC Sexmas guest.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the MTC
Not a creature was stirring, not even to pee;
No stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Because there was no way St. Nicholas would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their suits,
Listening to a devotional given by GA fruits,

My companion in his 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long devotional's nap —
When up on the podium there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the seat to see what was the matter.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Donny Osmond, and his family so dear,
With a patronizing speech, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment that he was a dick.

He would spend the evening with his missionary son,
The rest of us though, this couldn't be done.
Because we were peasants and not royalty,
But Donny assured us this was not special you see.

Our family was all around us that night.
Our family WAS the MTC all right?
There was no reason for this to cause a ruckus,
But I learned that night how the GAs would fuck us.

If you are famous you get all the perks
Special priveledges is how the church works.
But this is a secret never to tell
Or they'll threaten you with some bullshit hell

His family was together and I was alone
But I knew then that I had been boned
Donny finished his speach, ironically right
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The reason WHY homosexuality is a threat to humanity.

Modern research into human anatomy has been quite clear that the male prostate has one function.

To store demons from hell.

As boys get older and succumb to the temptations of Satan, their prostates become more and more filled with the devil's minions. Any extended pressure on this organ releases the trapped demons whose soul purpose is to wreak havoc upon humanity.

Because of its nature homosexuality between males is potentially devastating to the human race. Hellspawn after hellspawn released upon an unwitting public causing pain, suffering, and saddness to what would be otherwise happy heterosexual people and heterosexual couples.

This is exactly how supporting gay rights and gay marriage would be the downfall of not just straight marriage, but civilization as we know it.

Demons would be released at a rate that not even the Ghostbusters could handle, and we would all be eventually living in a literal hell.

So please, keep anti-sodomy laws intact. Otherwise you and your children will become possessed by the devil and his cohorts.

It's a scientific fact.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Doing work for the dead...Mormons

Mormon doctrine is quite clear that all peeps great or small must done have their work did.  So that's why Mormons go to the temple all the goddamn time.  Once they have been baptized, washed and anointed, endowed, and if they aren't too hideous sealed to an eternal companion, these things have to be done for every other homo...sapien that has ever roamed the earth.

This is why they call it "work for the dead."  They have a living person perform the super secret super sacred super special ordinance for a dead person by proxy.  Mormon belief is that this allows the dead person a choice in the aaaaaaaaaaffterrlife (oooooooooooo! spooky) to accept these ordinances and then be able to be given exaltation.  Because only Mormons who have had these ordinances can live with god the father again for eternity and also their families and still have children.

Mormons have done work for lots of dead people and some people find this offensive.  Work has been done for regular Jesus, Hitler, and those who weren't fortunate to survive the Holocaust (which if they all accepted the ordinances might be very awkward for everyone else in "heaven.")

So, some people have cried like little whiny bitches about this practice.  And many Mormons have responded that this practice is for the dead people's own good and that it is a CHOICE for them to accept the ordinances.

And that's fine, so I propose that we start doing "work for the dead" Mormons.  I think we should perform Satanic rituals pledging dead Mormon's souls to the lord of the dirty dance - Satan.  We could have such ordinances of baptism by blood.  Washing and anointing with semen and Sodomy for the Dead.

And we'll be fair about it.  This is all about CHOICE.  We will do this so that families can choose to spend eternity in hell together.  They don't have to.  But we are doing them a favor by keeping their options open.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Sorry I haven't been writing much last week.

Someone hacked into my twitter account and posted a bunch of pictures of my awesome schlong on the internet.

Turns out, that someone was me.  I posted pictures of not only my half engorged hood-less serpent, but also my chiseled pecks.  Then, word got out that I had been sexting a bunch of chicks, and now all my colleagues want me to quit my job.

Well, fuck them.  They aren't the boss of me.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Another Niblet from the unintentional King of Kolobian Komedy and the Hamburgler's Revenge (Kasual Kussing Kontained within)

As I have been pondering and praying to Cthulhu (A good friend. He throws one kick ass party) to restore my memories of Hugh Nibley "ideas," I recollected another one that really helped me in my journey towards the awesome Dark Side (not to be confused with Darkseid - that guy's just an asshole).

Nibley was discussing the "issue" of those "fossils" of peeps (not the gross marshmallow shit that hardens into "fossils" a week after Easter - human peeps as in the term that the childrens are using for "friends" such as, "How are you today, my fine, gentle peeps?"), "fossils" of peeps who would have been CLEARLY corpsed out before the time frame of Adam and Eve and the subsequent incest for the "first 'dispensation' of the Gospel."  Not to mention the "peepanoid" fossils dating much much earlier.

Nibley wrote something to the effect of, "They [both ancient peeps and peepaniods] don't matter.  We don't know anything about how they fit into our plan of salvation.  We don't have to worry about them.  Their salvation would be worked out as well, but we don't know how that would be."

When you read something like this, you should find it interesting.  And by interesting, imagine that any thoughts you would have subsequent to this would melt away in large pixels while the "death music" of Pac-Man played loudly.

Ostensibly that's exactly what happened when I read this the first time.  My TBM programming found it interesting, and it definitely killed any thought that I had at the moment.  However, like most of Nibley's writings, it was also like resurrecting a zombie Pac-Man into my inner ear.  Eventually he would grow hungry and would only be satiated by feasting upon the brains of the living.  Just like unto the Resurrected Jesus.

I started reading Nibley at a time when I wanted more answers.  He was supposed to be the "go to guy" for answers.  As a sexpert on ancient civilizations, he should have been able to have constructed a clear picture on the Gospel and how it fit in with the knowledge of the World.

But this was something else.  He pretty much admitted that peeps have been around for a long time - much longer than the 6000 year old view of the bible - and that we had evolved.

This was completely at odds with everything I had ever been taught in church or in seminary.  And eventually it raised far more questions than it did answers.

My soul still an hungered.  I was expecting a spiritual Manwich or at least a spiritual Snickers.  But nay.  A giant winged unicorn, "NAY!" This was a spiritual McRib sandwich.  It may feel like it fills you up, but really its job is to slowly poison you from within until 12 hours later and the eighth time on the shitter you cry out, "Hamburgler! Why have you forsaken me?"

As your body is doubled over the only truly "human" sound is mocking laughter.

The Hamburgler's Revenge.