Saturday, February 26, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 8: What the fuck kind of State of the Union Address is that?

Ok, I'll be honest.  I've been avoiding this post.  Like I mentioned before.  It's gonna get real Christ-y around here.

So let's just muscle through this shit together.

King Benjamin is about to corpse out, and he wants to give a farewell address to his stupid peasants.  So he has them all come to the temple to see his enfeebled saggy ass.  Mosiah 2: 5-7 talks about how everyone was so excited to see him that they pitched many tents.  Lots and lots of tents were pitched.  So many that King Benjamin saw all of their pitched tents and "erected a tower" of his own.

Now I know a thing or two about many pitched tents.  8th grade science class was a very rough class.  Like clockwork and without any kind of explanation I would either pitch a tent or erect a tower.  Luckily I had been given a pamphlet earlier in 6th grade that had warned me about this, so I wasn't too freaked out about it.

Back to Benny boy.  Now that everyone was comfortable, the king gives his speech.  He decides that instead of mapping out the future of the nation (other than telling people that Mosiah will be the next king.  And I know that these people are peasants, but are they really THAT stupid?  I think they've figured out that when the king dies, his fucking piece of shit son will be the next ruler), King Ben just preaches Jesus to them the whole damn time.  So, I guess the moral of the story is that if you aren't happy with the Christian right in America, just know that it could be soooooo much worse.

"So, Raptor Jesus, do you want to give us the highlights like a shitty political pundit at the end of any Presidential speech ever?"

Sure, let's move quickly.

Mosiah 2: 17

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."

Ok, I already gave a subtle sex joke about this principle, so here's a not so subtle "joke."  When ye are blowing your fellow beings, ye are only blowing god.


Mosiah 2:22

"And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you."

Other than that I was unaware that prosper could be used as a verb like THAT, I want to bring this scripture up because it is a central theme to the Book of Mormon.  The BoM talks over and over and over and over again about the rise and fall of nations.  The thesis is that if nations keep god's commandments, they prosper, and if they don't they fail.  So, expect more of this kind of shit as we move forward.

Mosiah chapter 3 talks about Christ's blood.  His blood is mentioned so much that you'd think Benjamin was a vampire (or even kewler, a vampyre!).  His point is that Christ's blood has super powers like Wolverine's blood or the Cheerleader from Heroes (if anyone even remembers that reference at this point.  That poor show.  Started so good--then turned to dog shit.  They must not have kept god's commandments).

But the scripture that takes the cake is this: Mosiah 3: 19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and well be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ...." and whatever for the rest of it.

This scripture is one of those things were it may seem "profound" at first until you think about it for more than 2 seconds.  Then the fucktardtittieness of it all hits you right in the face.

REALLY??? The "natural man is an enemy to god???"  God made his own worst enemy and then punishes them for making them that way.  What a fucking cocksmith.  Really, plus what does "natural man" even mean?

Eating, drinking, and shitting is completely  Well, even though the scriptures decided not to define this further, the Mormon leaders are more than happy to step in and tell you that whatever is "natural and bad" like masturbation to whatever doesn't fall under this scripture's jurisdiction like eating or shitting.

Of course this scripture gets really convoluted because religious fuckwits always say stupid things like, "homosexuality isn't natural."  Ok, well according to this scripture--that's a good thing and we should all enjoy a good sodomizing (or scissoring for the ladies).  And this kind of godly act would be a great service, yea, we would only be sodomizing/scissoring god.

I'm sure you can think of plenty of other examples of how stupid this scripture is.  So we will close with this.

Benjamin's address ends saying that when we finally cum all over Jesus, we become his "Sons and Daughters."

Yeah, you thought it was messed up before.  Well, there you go.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 7 (Behold King Benjamin in all his glory!)

The book of Mosiah is going to be rough to get through.  We are now getting to the real "Jesus-y" parts of the Book of Mormon.

I know.  I know.  Jesus?  Groooooooooooaaaaaaaan.  Do we have to?

Yes, we do.  Not because it's important.  Learning about Jesus really isn't very important at all.  The vast majority of human beans that have ever lived never heard about Jesus, and they were just fine.  But we got stuck in a time where some bat-shit nut-cases think that Jesus wrote the American constitution, and that Jesus tells certain leaders to bomb other countries.  And those nutcases vote in droves.  So maybe it's a little bit important to at least learn about Jesus, so when you meet one of these freaks you can say, "fuck you!" with informed gusto.

The book of Mosiah starts with King Benjamin teaching his sons why it's so goddamn important to write on some plates.  And not in this kind of way:

No big daddy Ben says, "For it were not possible that our father, Lehi, could have remembered all these things (things referring to all the other shit we've already talked about), to have taught them to his children, except; it were for the help of these plates; for he having been taught in the language of the Egyptians therefore he could read these engravings, and teach them to his children, that thereby they could teach them to their children and so fulfilling the commandments of God, even down to this present time." Mosiah 1:4.

Now part of you is thinking, "it were not possible that our father could have remembered all these things. Well, DUH! Who the fuck needs to write down why we write shit down?  That just seems ridiculously unnecessary."

Well, fuck you, you judgmental tranny.  I for one am glad that this scripture is in this book.  And ANY TIME someone starts off a sentence with "I for one am glad..." it means "I'm better than you because..."  So, I'm better than you because this scripture tells us that the Book of Mormon was written in Egyptian.  And that's good to know.

Now because I have already established that I'm an expert mind reader, I know you're sitting back in your chair, folding your arms, and furrowing your brow in disbelief saying, "Wait a minute. Hold your apocalyptic horses, Raptor Jesus.  Why would Joseph Smith need some kind of magical translation system to translate the BoM if it was just written in Egyptian?"

Well a couple of reasons:

1. Fuck you. Questioning god's 'methods.' Seriously???  Yeah, fuck you.
2. God hadn't invented Egyptian translators yet.  So, Joseph Smith was the first of his kind.  And please don't look up Wikipedia to contradict me.  Just because Wikipedia says there were, doesn't mean shit.
3. It actually wasn't "Egyptian Egyptian" it was "reformed Egyptian" aka "the lazy asse's Egyptian."

See Joseph Smith was axed to translate some Egyptian to "prove" that he was a magic prophet, and that didn't turn out so well because god and god's chosen bad asses will NOT be PROVED like you have to!  But luckily the Book of Mormon was really written in "reformed Egyptian" so stop getting your Hot Topic panties with a 1-Up mushroom on the crotch in a twist.  Just because the Book of Mormon has something stated "literally" in it, doesn't mean that you have to "literally" take it that way.  That's what modern day Prophets and Mormon Apologists are for.  We already talked about the Book of Mormon saying horses were in America when America ain't got none horses then.  Mormon Apologists will tell you that "horses" probably just meant "tapirs" and "chariots" probably means "logs trailing behind tapirs" and Egyptian really means...You know what? Fuck it, just pay your fucking tithing!

Dammit, you guys are like three year olds. "Why? Why? Why? Why?"  It's scripture.  It tells you that it's true.  That means IT'S true, ok?  Christians figured that out a long time ago with their bible, and the Book of Mormon is the same principle.

Ok.  The Book of Mormon is true, and I'm now exhausted.  Are you happy?  Because that means that the next blog is going to have to do all the "Jesus shit" because I didn't get to it.

God! Fucking Assholes!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 6 (Wow this is getting Ken Burns-ish with parts)

Behold! We are through 6 out of 15 "books" in the Book of Mormon.  Wohoo! Making great progress, our seminary and/or institute teachers would be proud!  Feel free to send them the link to my blog as 'proof' that you read.  Just remind them (and yourselves) to click on the ad links for fuck's sakes.  Raptor Jesus is tired of working a "real" job.  I'm a goddamn deity, I shouldn't have to work by the sweat of my brow like some kind of peasant.  Fuck that.  I spout shit from my mouth/keyboard, and you adore me and give me money.  That's how religion works if you haven't figured it out yet.  So, fucking DO IT!

Also, if one of the ads is for an exmo dating site.  Go there!  That shit is legit.  Serious, I know the guy who set it up.  Exmos are usually broken when it comes to dating and need to date other exmos.  You ever been out on a date with a Mormon/former Mormon?  Yeah, they need a dating site.  They also need you to stop being such judgmental assholes and realize that they have issues.  Show them a good time.  Buy them drinks. Fuck them ever so tenderly.  Call them the next day and pretend that you weren't weirded out after they showed you what goes on in the Mormon temple.

Ok, now on to the book entitled, "The Words of Mormon."  Even if you HAVE been paying attention, you would have no idea at all that the book of Mormon was really edited by a guy named Mormon unless you carefully went through the fine print of all the introductions.  If you flip to 1 Nephi and start reading, you get to the "Words of Mormon" and are like, "wait, who the fuck is this asshole, and why is he talking about 'many years after Christ shit himself and died?' I thought we were pre-Christ diaper shitting."

Well, Mormon was the dude who put all of the 'plates' together.  He was the editor, and he did a terrible job of it.

You see, god doesn't really care about competence.  In the Book of Mormon and the bible you often read phrases from the prophets like "I am not mighty in writing" or "I am not mighty in speech." Yet these are the guys who are called by god to persuade everyone to love god.  You would think that god would get someone who could actually speak or write to be a prophet but "god's ways aren't your fucking ways, dumbass."

See god would rather call some bumbling dickwit to call people to repentance so that god could punish the most of humanity as humanity possible.  Remember our discussion on god's failure rate.  Well, using incompetence as your spokespeople only helps boost your failure rate.  When you die and meet god, if you didn't believe and you say, "but your prophets were idiotic fuckwads, how was I supposed to know?" god can laugh at you and then pull the 'hell' lever.  You'd think after billions and billions of times it would get old, but it doesn't.  God loves that lever.

Mormon comes in to interject about how many Indians King Benjamin killed in the name of god, and how awesome it was, and how he did it with the sword of Laban and most likely jerked off with their blood as lubricant.  And all of this was done just so that people would know Christ.  Because that's what Christ loves more than anything.  Conquest over unbelievers.  In fact Mormon states:

"And it came to pass that after there had been false Christs, and their mouths had been shut, and and they punished according to their crimes; and after there had been false prophets, and false preachers and teachers among the people, and all these having been punished according to their crimes..." Words of Mormon 1:15-16.

Yeah he sounds a little like Gollum, but the important thing is that those false assholes got what was coming to them.  It's a crime to be a false prophet or Christ.  Not sure how you'd prove that, but it was against the fucking law, and your asshole got ruined for it.  A little later we'll talk about some of the 'false' teachers getting murdered by god because they dissented with him.  And that's totally bad ass.  God loves killing and he loves blood flowing in the streets, and if it can't be Indian blood, then it better be anti-Christ blood.

Also, Mormon talks about king Benjamin who "was a holy man, and he did reign over his people in righteousness;" Words of Mormon 1:17.  I thought I'd talk about him tonight, but all this talk about killing infidels has given me such a raging hard on, I need to take a cold shower.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Book of Mormon Part 5 (Enos and his missing horses).

Last time (I've got to come up with another way of saying that.  All my blog entries are starting off that way) we talked about god only using polygamy to use women as future breed machines for his church.

And that's not just a clever phrase that I made up, it's a kick ass song performed by a band who has nothing better to do during harsh long winters than come up with amazing poly-rhythms.


Today's blog is brought to you by the letter H. And we aren't talking about wHores.  Naaaaaaaaaaay.  We are talking about Horses.  In America!

Before Columbus!

Yes, ye be hearing me correctly.

The Book of Enos starts of with Enos (I know it rhymes with Penis--but let's try to be fucking adults here.  And I mean fucking as an adjective and not as a gerund.  Yes, we could be FUCKING adults right now, and many of you might be axing, 'well, why not?' But we have work to do right now.  This stupid book isn't going to read itself, and you people sure as shit aren't going to read it--that's why you've come to my blog.  It's the movie version of this boring book, but without the fun, moving pictures.  But you still need to KNOW what's in the book so that the next time those sex deprived 19 year old boys in bad suits and white shirts with yellow "salt" stains in the pits come around and say, "do you want a free, stupid book?" You can say, 'No thanks. I read the cliff notes and got the cheat sheet from Raptor Jesus.')

Enos's soul "hungered" probably like the wolf, and he prayed so pants shittingly hard that god forgave his sins and told his ass, "Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen.  And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole." Enos 1:8

Now if you're like me, you can totally picture this music in your head when you read this:

And see this text:  "Courage and wit have served thee well. Thou hast been promoted to the next level."

And what does Enos instantly do with his new found forgiveness?  Well, like any good Christian he writes down exactly how big of pieces of shit his non-Christian "brethren" are.  In Enos 1:20 he writes "And I bear record that the people of Nephi did seek diligently to restore the Lamanites unto the true faith in God.  But our labors were vain; their hatred was fixed, and they were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a blood-thirsty people, full of idolotry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey; dwelling in tents, and wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle about their loins and their heads shaven; and their skill was in the bow, and in the cimeter, and the ax.  And many of them did eat nothing save it was raw meat; and they were continually seeking to destroy us."

Now this sounds like part of "Last of the Mohicans" but it is not.  Remember that god hated the Indians and cursed them to act like stereotypes described by white frontiers-men during the 1800's.  See, if you don't believe in Christ, you don't get technology advancements.  But if you believe in Christ like the Nephites, you get to be cool enough to "till the land, and raise all manner of grain, and of fruit, and flocks of herds, and flocks of all manner of cattle of every kind, and goats, and wild goats, and also many horses." Enos 1: 21.

See if you believe in Christ, not only do you get superior technology, but you also get to herd animals that don't seem to exist in the time period described by the book and leave no archeological trace of said animals.

I could describe this with a few jokes, or I could be lazy like unto the Lamanites and just post a wikipedia link for you:

There you go.  When you feel like perusing through it.  I didn't have any jokes about horses in pre-Columbian times.  Just doesn't seem funny to me.  If we were talking about statutory rape like last blog, sure.  But horses?  Whatever.  Yes, they have big cocks, and you can see women and men with horrible step-father issues doing terrible things to them on the internet, but I don't recommend it.  Just because you can find something on the internet, doesn't mean you should watch it.  We all learned that lesson a few years ago with "Two Girls One Cup."  And if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about--STOP!  Be grateful, and move on.  Curiosity in this case may not kill you, but it will definitely ruin Rocky Road ice cream for a long time.

Let's move to the book of Jarom because it will be quick.  He hates Native Americans too (what a fucking surprise), and that's about it.  Next book.

The Book of Omni.  This one is one of my favorites for one reason:  Omni 1:2

"Wherefore, in my days, I would that ye should know that I fought much with the sword to preserve my people, the Nephites, from falling into the hand of their enemies, the Lamanites.  But behold, I of myself am a wicked man, and I have not kept the statutes and the commandments of the Lord as I ought to have done."

Haha! This guy immortalizes his own shittiness.  In a book where everyone talks about how cool they are, and how much god's ass tastes like candy, this guy has the balls to say that he was a sinner.  And the editor of the book, Mormon, (whom we will talk about next time, leaves it in.)  Mormon thinks, "Fuck this guy forever! I'm leaving that phrase in--that'll teach him next time to be more like Nephi and everyone else and just talk about how spiritually superior he is."

So Omni sucks spiritually, and then he talks about this place called Zarahemla.  And I stopped caring.  This place is filled with people who have been there for awhile and have no real connections to anyone else, but they didn't bring "records" with them and were happy when they got "records" and no one gives a shit.  Seriously the place and the people sound stupid.  It's a tiny subplot that only Book of Mormon nerds care about.

It's like that scene in Empire Strikes back where Vader is going past all of the bounty hunters and it pans across them, and everyone is like, "HOLY FUCK! BOBBA FETT IS SO FUCKING COOL!" And you get to kind of follow him, but a couple of nerds are like, "I wonder who that skinny robot is.  I'm going to write some shitty fan fiction about THAT guy."

No one cares, nerds.  And yes, I know he has a name, but I don't know it, and that's why I'm slightly socially better than you.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 4 (You gotta read the fine print on those abominations)

We are pretty much done with the first two books of Nephi.  I'll mention two quick scriptures in passing.

The first: 1Nephi 14: 10

"And he (an angel of the lord) said unto me (Nephi): Behold, there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth."

Wow.  Yup.  Pretty black and white.  Either your in god's church, or you are inside the whore of all the earth.  And she has one giant, festering vagina.

Don't fret too much though.  The church of the Lamb of God is bad ass.  All you have to do is listen to their albums, go to a show when they come in town, and buy a goddamn t-shirt.

Here' the link.  You're welcome.

The other scripture: 2Nephi 29: 9

"For I command all men, both in the east and in the west, and in the north, and in the south, and in the islands of the sea, that they shall write the words which I speak unto them; for out of the books which shall be written I will judge the world, every man according to their works, according to that which is written."

If anything is true, this would actually be it.  Of course you have to ignore the context of the scripture because it means that scripture is being written all over the world, specifically other books of Mormon (oddly none of those have ever surfaced.  Nor is anyone in the upper administration of Mormondom even looking for them.  You think that would be important, but building $4billion malls takes up too much time I guess.), and you have to ignore the part where only men write books.

But if god were to judge us for anything it would be what we as a species have written down.  The knowledge that we've gained and passed on.

Enough of the books of Nephi.  Let's talk about the book of Jacob: He's got 99 problems but multiple bitches ain't one.

Jacob talks a lot about women.  He's one of those men who loves to tell women what the god (who is also a man) loves and doesn't love about women.  And that's the tradition that religion has kept forever.  Men telling women what god likes and doesn't like about them.  You'd think at some point god might just tell women himself that, but that would be cheating.  You need a chain to be part of god's chain of command.

God tells Jacob to tell everyone that god "delights in the chastity of women."  (Jacob 2: 20-33) Ok.  Whatever.  God popped Mary's cherry, so he probably knows what he's talking about when you can wreck a hymen.  God also says this, "This people begin to wax in iniquity; they understand not the scriptures, for they seek to excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son.  Behold David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord....For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none;" (Jacob 2: 23, 24, 27).

All right, so god hates plural marriage.  It is an abomination just like homosexuality, lobsters, footballs, and unruly teenagers.  But wait.  Didn't Joseph Smith and Brigham Young have a bunch of wives?

Well, FIRST of ALL, Joseph Smith may not have had more than one wife.  I was never taught that in Sunday School.  But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and check.....


Ok, it looks like he did.  I looked into the LDS Church's genealogical site and Joseph had around 34 wives give or take.  Hmmmm, and  10 of them were under the age of 20 when he married them, and 11 had husbands.  That's weird.  Those husbands sound familiar.

Those guys were all sent on missions by Joseph around the time that he married the women.  Hmmm.  Ok, well you learn something new every day.

Oh, and a lot of these wives were passed onto Brigham Young after Joseph died like an inheritance.  Well, you usually only see that kind of thing with possessions, not necessarily people.  I don't think that Mormonism teaches that wives are possessions.....

....Oh wait....hold on...I think they do.

Gordon B. Hinkley the prophet of the church in 2007 said, "May there be peace and harmony in your homes.  Husbands, love and treasure your wives.  They are your most precious possessions. Wives, encourage and pray for your husbands.  They need all the help they can get."

Again, was not quite aware of that, but now I know.  How fun.  But that still doesn't answer the most basic question.  God said that multiple wives were an "abomination."  How could he have been ok with this?  His prophets married multiple women, some of which were as young as 14.  Surely, that couldn't have been cool.

Well, I forgot to share one super duper important scripture with y'all.  Jacob 2: 30 "For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up seed unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things."

The fine print.  God hates polygamy so much to call it an abomination, but is willing to make exceptions.  Phew!  Well, it wouldn't be the first time.  God commands "thou shalt not kill" but both the bible and the Book of Mormon have instances where god totally commands killing, so why not polygamy?  I mean, other than the children that Joseph married and fucked, everyone was consenting adults.  So who are we to judge?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Music that saved me.

When I got home from my mission, a cousin contacted me and we started to record music that we had written.  I wrote the guitar and bass parts for this particular song.  The vocals were recorded by my cousin, and the drums were done by a little drum machine that we called "Gilly."  The recording was done on a very basic four track tape recorder.  We then converted it to a digital recording.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Book of Mormon (Part 3): God pulls the race card...and not in a good way.

Before moving forward with the...plot...of the Book of Mormon, we need to discuss some more priceless visions.  And also make some more cheap sex jokes--because the book is just fucking loaded with them.  And it is my job to release these huge loads all over the unsuspecting public.

So, last bat time and bat channel we were talking about visions.  And by we, I mean me, because you readers rarely comment on the blog.  Which is fine because I take your silence to mean "Raptor Jesus we sit and read in awe at your awesomeness."  Whatever.  Visions.

Nephi is a true prophet of god, and we know this because he has voices in his head telling him to kill that he follows through on, and he documents all the insane shit going on in his brain that deals with inferior races and justified genocide.  It's common knowledge.  If you do illegal, unethical, horrific shit, you are a criminal and terrible person.  But if god tells you to do it, you're a fucking prophet.  End of story.  Joseph Smith and Brigham Young took note of this and look what happened.  Marrying children? Check. Ordering the destruction of printing presses that were going to publish dissenting opinions? Check. Slaughter of innocents and blaming it on the Indians? Check.

Under normal circumstances these are terrible things.  But god told these guys to do this shit--so prophets.

But back to Nephi, I keep getting distracted.  Nephi has lots of visions about his people and the Americas.  See Mormons teach that Nephi and his brother's (so "Lamanites") descendants were the Native American Indians.  Well, kind of.  Mormons used to teach that the Lamanites and were the "literal"  ancestors of Native Americans, then they taught that they were the "principle" ancestors, and now they teach that they are "among" the ancestors of the Native Americans.  Confused?  Well, fuck you if you can't figure it out and keep track of the changes.  What do you know?

Goddamnit, distracted.  Anyway Nephi has some visions about the "Americas" and his "decedents" whoever the fuck they may be.  First he has this vision:

"And it came to pass that I beheld, and saw the people of the seed of my brethren that they had overcome my seed... (See? Overcuming his seed?  Haha! Gross! Sloppy seconds for sure!)...And it came to pass that I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations."  1 Nephi 12: 21, 23.

Now I know that you might be thinking, "Wait! So did Nephi/god just call the Indians "dark, loathsome, fithly, and lazy?"

Well, maybe.  Here's some more:

"And he (the lord) had caused the cursing to come upon them, yeah, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint: wherefore, as they were white and exceedingly fair and delight some, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.
And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto they people, save they shall repent of their iniquities...
...And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become and idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey." 2 Nephi 21, 22, 24.

Wow.  Yup you just read that shit.  1.  God curses people who don't follow him with dark skin.
2. They are cursed so that they aren't "enticing to (god's) people.--God hates jungle fever.
3. Dark skin also causes "idleness, mischief, subtlety...etc."  So think of all the negative stereotypes you can about "dark skinned" folk.  Well, god made them that way...and if you don't agree with me, that's ok because I didn't write this, I'm just presenting it to you.  Plus, I'm presenting "scripture" to you.  I mean, would scripture lie to you?

And here's another great thing about god and dark skin:  It can be cured!  Or rather it used to be able to be cured. 2 Nephi 30: 6 states "and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a pure and delight some people."  This used to read in older editions of the Book of Mormon "shall be a white and delight some people." Meaning that god used to be able to change your race if you repented from your sins and joined his church.  But I guess god changed his mind after Michael Jackson because that didn't turn out so well for anyone.

Well, that's probably a lot to digest for one night and I only gave a few examples of god's race hating in the book.  But I will leave you with one other vision because I want to move past these books.  I know I neglected the kewl parts where Nephi breaks his steel bow and everyone gets pissed.  Yeah! A bow made out of steel!  That's waaaaaaay better than a bow made from wood! Why didn't anyone else thing of that?  Link had silver arrows to help defeat Gannon, but he should have had a steel bow instead.  Would have made beating Gannon much easier.

Ok, one last vision.  Nephi sees Christopher Columbus being moved by the spirit of god to come and discover America.  I'm not making this shit up! It's in 1 Nephi 13: 12-15.

This might give you pause, "why would god direct a man to 'discover America' who would only murder, rape, and enslave the locals?"  Well, remember, god fucking hated the Indians.  He cursed them and called them "filthy, loathsome, lazy, and sneaky."


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Book of Mormon: Part 2 (God the ultimate party pooper)

Last time we left off Nephi had one some free tickets on a boat ride and took his family and T-Pain on a trip.

Tonight, we are going to back up slightly and talk about some of the acid trips that Nephi had before moving on with the plot because this vision is paramount to understanding Mormonism.  If you really want to know why your Mormon friends and family members are joyless automatons who are gay for god-- this vision gives some great insight.

One night after huffing some glue or some shit Nephi (and his father Lehi saw the same thing.  Shared dreaming isn't just for that awesome movie Inception, it's also in scriptures. Awesome like early 90's Blossom!) has this dream where he sees a straight and narrow path, an iron rod next to the path, and mists of darkness most everywhere else.  Nephi sees that the straight and narrow path leads to a big ass tree with big ass fruit.  He also sees that amidst the mist there's a "great and spacious building" where a lot of people are having a kick ass party.

Now if you read your bible (and I only recommend reading it for English Lit classes.  Seriously, that thing is useless other than understanding allusions.), you'll notice that Jesus often taught in parables.  He taught in cutesy little stories that usually contained a "deeper" meaning.  After most of his story times, the disciples would usually approach Jesus and ax, "What the fuck were you talking about, man?"  Then Jesus would tell them, "Well, Aslan is me and Narnia represents a cheap imitation of Middle Earth."

 Nephi didn't understand what his dream meant either, so he had to ax about it.  Turns out that the straight and narrow path was the way to get back to god, and the iron rod was the scriptures and the tree was the tree of eternal life and the mists of darkness was all of the ways Satan can deceive a motherfucker and the kick ass party was a kick ass party.

In Mormon Sunday School and Seminary and countless Devotionals and Firesides, and Youth Conferences and General Conferences, etc., etc., etc., this vision is retold over and over and over again.  In order to get eternal life, you have to hold onto the iron rod and walk the straight and narrow path avoiding the mists of darkness and all big buildings having fun parties.  Your existence is to stroke god's rod until you get to stand in front of his mighty wood and partake of his juicy juicy fruit.

Now of course Nephi was itching to handle that rod and get the sweet eternal nectar all down his chin and chest, but he noticed that Laman and Lemuel would rather be partying like it was 1999 or whatever the equivalent would be today (some kind of reference to Katy Perry, Kei$ha, or Lady Gaga if she isn't already dead in a gutter somewhere).

This made Nephi sad, and whatever made Nephi sad is supposed to make Mormons sad.  Mormons aren't supposed to party when they could be servicing god for eternity.  So the next time you've got a wild celebration going and your Mormon friends are uncomfortable attending, just tell them, "I understand.  You keep a tight hold of god's iron hard rod.  I know he likes it that way."

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Book of Mormon: A summary: Part 1 (Because we need parts)

Joseph Smith had just translated them thar gold plates into a book.  And not just any book either.  This book was motherfucking scripture.  This was a new bible that contained the "fullness of the gospel."  The gospel had not been quite full before.  It was only mostly full or partially empty depending on how depressed you were.  But now this neat new book was going to make the bible its bitch.

Joseph remarked once or maybe several times that no book could get you closer to god than this book.  For a long time, I thought that god must have been in my dreams because reading the book of Mormon sure put me to sleep a lot.  But I guess scriptures are supposed to be boring.  The bible is fucking boring, and this book was supposed to be way holier than that so it must be way boringer.

The Book of Mormon starts off with some testimonials that this book is hella kewl and totally real.  3 dudes first say that they saw the plates and Joseph was legit in translating, and then 8 other homeslices say that they fondled the plates like you would your prom date.  Joseph wasn't allowed to show anyone else the plates, that would have been too easy for god to 'pass' us in this life that's really a 'trial.'  What good is faith when you can see shit and molest it with your own hands?  None good. That's what, now stop questioning god, he's very busy.  It takes a lot of hard work to get your image burned into a piece of french toast.

After some more promises that you will love Jesus even more than you already do, the Book of Mormon starts off with the non computer blogging of Nephi.

Nephi was this guy who's father was a prophet around 600 B.C.  Their family was warned by god that Jerusalem was going to be destroyed because god was sick of their shit and wanted to start over.  Nephi's father, Lehi, was a shitty public speaker and couldn't convince anyone to cut the sinning, so god ordered Lehi and his family to leave Jerusalem.  Now Lehi, and Nephi were already on board with this.  Nephi loving to lick god's asshole and brag about the sweet taste, but Lehi's dumb wife, and the two naughty boys, Laman and Lemuel were not too thrilled about this.  They decided to question Lehi about how and why they should leave Jerusalem.  Well, this sucks for everyone involved because you have to hear for like a hundred pages how big of douches Laman and Lemuel are, and how awesome Nephi is for obeying every fucking thing that god tells him to do.  This is what makes the first part of the Book of Mormon so goddamn boring from the get go:

God: Nephi, go to the city and get some brass plates.

Nephi: Thanks, god, that sounds like a great idea, by the way, when I think about you I touch myself.

Laman and Lemuel: That sounds so gay. Why don't we just stay here and play Xbox?

Nephi: Do you two know how cool I am and spiritual? Well let me count the ways blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Laman and Lemuel: Fine we'll go! If it'll just shut you the fuck up, Jesus.

And then the cycle repeats over and over.  The only good part is where god tells Nephi to kill a drunk man just to steal back a "book."

Hahahahaha! Awesome.  It's actually great because god tells Nephi to kill the guy named Laban, and Nephi is like, "dude, what the fuck? That's totally against my conscience."  And god just keeps pestering him until he does it.  God even reminds Nephi that Nephi's people would 'prosper in the land' if they kept god's commandments.  Yup, god fucking bribes Nephi in order to get him to kill this drunkard.  And once Nephi decides that the voices in his head telling him to kill are god, he doesn't just smother the guy, or even curb check him.  No Nephi takes out the Laban's sword and chops his head off.  Haha! 600 B.C.  Do you know what kind of hacking that would take?  Good lord, the blood would have spurted everywhere.

It's great because Nephi then takes Laban's clothes and then walks right into Laban's house and everyone just thinks Nephi is Laban.  So either everyone is tripping balls or god magically made Nephi look like Laban.  But Laban had to die for that too.

Oh, also! And I almost forgot this part.  God tells Nephi that Laban's death is necessary because "it's better that one man die then an entire nation dwindle in unbelief."  But Jerusalem still gets destroyed. So.........???  Whatever, I think god was just fucking with Nephi and each time he got him to do something, he nudged Jesus in the ribs and was like, "Did you see what I made him just do?  My god what a little bitch.  Haha!"

Now that Nephi had some brass plates book thingy, it was time to go.  Jerusalem was going to be destroyed and Nephi's family was going to go to America.  So god gets them to leave to go make a boat.  And, yes, you have to hear Laman and Lemuel bitch in excruciating detail the entire way with Nephi's commentary about how much Nephi loves god's abuse.

They make a boat because back then god loved telling people how to make boats.  And the family set sail.  Just like this:

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Mormonisms Beginnings: Part 3 The Translating of the Book of Mormon.

Last time I bloggity blogged, the young virile Joseph was promised that he would find some goddamn gold plates.  Joseph was still around 14 years old and god and Moroni figured that Joseph wasn't ready to get the plates yet because if he did, he'd probably just sell them on eBay.

So the next couple of years Moroni instructed Joseph like you would train a dog.  Joseph was brought up to the hill Cumorah where the plates were hidden but he couldn't find, them.  He was then given a biscuit.  After a few more years, he was able to look at the plates but not touch them (once Joseph was naughty and touched them anyway.  God gave him a shock because there wasn't a rolled up paper close at hand.)

Once Joseph was trusted to be good with the plates and stop pissing all over the fucking carpet, he was given not only gold plates, but also the "sword of Laban" and something called the Urine and Thumbelina (which I will just refer to as UaT from now on).  Joseph was told that the gold plates contained a record of the Native Americans and also the story of Jesus visiting these people as part of a study abroad program.  Jesus was finished with most of his credits to graduate, but he hadn't quite landed that perfect job and didn't want to start paying off his student loans so quickly.  So he came to Ancient America to teach low level courses.  The UaT was going to help Joseph translate the plates because the ancient Native Americans were inconsiderate and didn't learn English and wrote on the gold plates in "reformed Egyptian."  I guess Egyptian was a shitty language to engrave on gold plates, so it needed to be reformed.  And I'll probably only mention the sword of Laban one more time because Joseph didn't do anything with it, and I think he only mentioned obtaining it to convince the Dungeons and Dragons crowd to join the Mormon Church.

"What you guys don't care that Jesus came to America? Well, what if I told you that I found a sword in a treasure chest after getting directions from an Angel?....The sword has +2 defense against the dark arts."

Holy shit! Let's all get baptized, and then hunt some ORC!

Anyway Joseph got started translating the plates.  And according to my Sunday School classes, he banged that shit out like you would a term paper for a class you stopped giving a shit about 5 weeks ago.

During the middle of the "come get the plates, Joseph. OH, PSYCHE! You can't have them for another four years you dumb mother fucker. Hahaha! You should have seen the look on your face! Now go home and repent and try to farm some more dirt and rocks!" Episodes with Moroni, Joseph met his wife Emma Smith and also some dude named Martin Harris.  Emma is as revered as Mary (Jesus's MILF) for Mormons.  Funny enough she also has just as small a part in Mormon history as Mary does in the bible.  You hear about her like twice in church, but she's just super duper cool--just trust them.

Martin Harris was another cool dude that happened to come along with a lot of money.  As most comedians have noted, god isn't very good with money, so he always needs rich people to step up to the plate.  This was Harris's job.  He had money, Joseph was going to be a prophet, and well, shit ain't free around here, so Harris ended up footing the bill for stuff while Joseph translated.

And translating was hard work.  Again, according to Sunday School, Joseph took the gold plates and set them on the table, he then took the UaT and while reading the plates the UaT was like a Rosetta Stone and found the words that were right and then read them off.  Martin Harris was in the other part of the room (which had been partitioned off with a sheet.  No one was allowed to see the gold plates.  I guess they were too shiny or something).  Martin would then write the shit down.  Occasionally, Martin's wrist would cramp from jerking off too much, and Emma would come in and scribe while Joseph dictated.  This process went on for just a few weeks and then the book was ready to print.

Joseph took the manuscript to a printer that apparently was crazier than a shit-house rat.  Over 3000 "printing errors" have been corrected by the various editions of the Book of Mormon.  And all of these errors have been categorized by "printing press" errors.  Maybe the only competent printers in the New York area were all possessed by Satan (probably still true today), and they would have killed Joseph and "frustrated" god's work.  And no one wants a "frustrated" god.  I don't know if you've notice, but that guy's a total fucking psycho.  He will ruin your family, your health, and your wealth over a bet with Satan.  He's been known to destroy entire flocks of birds just because gays serve openly in the military, and he'll plunge an entire nation into chaos and revolution just so a couple of 19 year old boys can go door to door giving out free books.  So don't mess with that guy.  Seriously, he'll fuck your shit up.

Next time: the Book of Mormon without having to use Wikipedia.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Mormonism's Beginnings Part 2: God's Pimped out Plates.

In the last installment Joseph Smith was visited by god and Jesus.  God told Joseph that he was going to "restore" Jesus's church on earth.  Jesus having a lot of trouble finding things--looses shit all the time.  Probably why he hasn't visited for awhile.  He's still yelling at Mary, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS??? I KNOW THEY WERE RIGHT HERE! I PUT THEM RIGHT HERE ON THE NIGHT STAND LAST NIGHT!!!  DO YOU KNOW HOW LATE I AM???"

But how was Joseph to do this?  Well, Joseph wasn't alone.  The very night after he had seen god he was visited by an angel.  And not just any angel.  A really, really hot angel dressed in a thin white robe.  The angel Moroni, sun tanned from all of his travels--rippling abs and waving white, shining hair.  Good lord, if Joseph didn't awake with a midnight boner, he sure must have gotten one from the homo erotic standard shining before him.

The angel Moroni wasn't there to show Joseph any past/present/future Christmases, nor was he there to instruct Joseph on the proper form of a reach around.  No, he was there to tell twink Joseph that gold ass plates were buried in them thar New York hills!

Hooooooooooooooolllly Fuuuuuuck!!! Angels with treasure.  We've had cities of angels, and have been touched by angels, but pirate angels???  Sweet Sexy Christ wearing a diaper on a cross!  Treasure!

The angel Moroni told Joseph some shit and then let him know that Joseph would be able to get to those plates when god and Jesus thought that Joseph had been properly spiritually lubricated enough.

The next morning Joseph went to get the plates, but couldn't for some reason that I don't give a shit enough to look up.  In fact the whole story kind of comes to a halt because Joseph goes on about several years passing before he can get to the hill that the plates are buried in and then several years before he can even take the plates out.  Joseph seemed to be unworthy at the time to get the plates--probably from the teenage chronic masturbation and gold digging.  But whatever.  You didn't come to my blog to do math.

Let's just say at some point, Joseph was actually able to get the plates from that cock teasing angel.  Well the box that he found them in had some cool shit in it other than the golden plates.  For one, it had "Laban's sword."  We don't know much about Laban's sword other than that it had +2 to decapitation and -5 against cold blooded murder.  The box also contained the Urim and Thummim which was some kind of god dammed breastplate or some shit.

Anyway, the angel Moroni told Joseph that the golden plates contained the record of the ancient Americans and that they contained a witness to Jesus coming to America--but not in the same kind of way that Eddie Murphy did in that crappy movie.  Joseph was going to translate the golden plates and then he was going to show the world that he was totally bad ass with a new bible.

The angel Moroni was very clear that NO ONE was to see the golden plates.  You see, god fucking hates proof of his existence.  He would rather everyone burn in hell than one person uncover anything that would actually confirm that he was real.  He likes to "test" people in a way that your worst teacher couldn't even dream of.  God's failure rate is approximately 99.98% for all of humanity, and that's the way that guy likes it.  No fucking do overs.  No study guide.  Shit, you don't even know that you are being tested right now and failing.  Hahahahaha! That worthless asshole sure has got your number.  And guess what?  Curve?  Only for his spoke's people.  You're better believe he's got his ass licking teacher's pets.  But you aren't one of them.  Too bad.  Statistically speaking, you're fucked, and that's just too god damned bad.

Next time we'll talk about what Joseph does with his golden plates.