Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I got a Facebook message from a friend that helped explain the true nature of the priesthood.

Whenever I get a message in my Facebook inbox I get a little nervous.
Usually it's someone complaining to me about something I've posted.

I was pleasantly surprised when the message was from a friend who is
still currently attending church to keep the peace in the house.  He
informed me that one time during church, the lesson contained
something incredibly profound.  He stated that the teacher kept
referring to eternal life as "a pearl necklace from the priesthood."
After pondering this for some time now, I actually agree with this
metaphor and wanted to share my thoughts about it with the board.

Those of you who have received pearl necklaces in the past know that
it is an incredible gift - one that should be cherished.  Unlike other
gifts, getting a pearl necklace is something that you'll never forget
- the memory remains as a warm creamy feeling as wonderful as the cool
pearls themselves felt against your warm skin.

What makes this metaphor so apt is that it shows how much god loves
his children too.  If you'll remember, Mormon doctrine makes the
distinction between "exaltation" and "eternal life."  Eternal life has
been granted freely to all of us thank to the atonement.  When god the
Father and Jesus became one (the very definition of 'atonement'),
every man woman and child who has ever lived or will ever live
received the "pearl necklace" of eternal life.  While Jesus may have
spilt his blood that day, the blessings of eternal life spilt all over
the rest of us.  Whether we wanted it or not.  Whether we deserved it
or not.  Heavenly Father's love rained on both those of us who have
been very good and those of us who have been very very bad.  That's
how powerful his love for us is.

Mormons understand that basking in Heavenly Father's love causes even
their very countenances to change.  They have a glistening glow about
them.  That's sometimes why there is so much strife between TBMs and
exMormons.  We try to reject Heavenly Father's pearl necklaces - so we
don't have that same sheen of white, delightsome acceptance of love
that faithful Mormons do.  Many of us have stopped kneeling in daily
prayer.  We have become "prideful" to TBMs.  They proclaim that only
by humbling ourselves can we truly feel god's love.

I'll remind you that the giving of the whole world the pearl necklace
of eternal life was only possible through the priesthood.  While only
men can hold the priesthood, that doesn't mean that women can't enjoy
the blessings of the priesthood.  In fact, according to Mormonism,
more women will help perpetuate the gift of pearl necklaces in the
future.  As stated earlier eternal life was granted to everyone
freely.  All women received pearl necklaces that great day.  However,
exaltation is the ability to GIVE your own pearl necklaces to your
very own spiritual children.  With plural marriage in heaven that
means that more women will have the privilege of helping their
righteous priesthood eternal companions give pearl necklaces for

And all of this was truly only possible thanks to Joseph Smith.  He
was the one Heavenly Father selected to restore the priesthood in this
dispensation.  Giving pearl necklaces had been lost until that other
great day when Joseph received the all the keys to the priesthood.
Now the accounts are somewhat confused about the details of the
restoration.  However, it doesn't really matter if there was just one
personage, or if Joseph and Oliver were surrounded by the great men of
the priesthood throughout time.  All that matters is that Joseph and
Oliver knelt in front of those men, had hands placed on their heads,
and then they were shown how to give the gift of an eternal pearl

And they did it all for us.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Raptor Jesus prays to Heavenly Father about kissing daughters on the lips. (Swearing)

One morning while I was hard at work, I happened to stumble across a Facebook post that is as follows:

"My daughter ran to give daddy a hug and kiss when he came home from work. She accidentally kissed him on the lips. Dad reminded her that we kiss on lips with husbands and not daddy. Ashley replied, "But I LOVE it sooooooo much!". (Should I be worried!?!)"

One person replied with something to the effect of, "Pray about it, dumbass!"

Now, most of the ex-Mormon responses to the Facebook post turned into angry, bitter, anti-Mormons jumping into line for the great and spacious building in order to ride that elevator to Mocking Mormon Ville, population: You, you angry, bitter, iron-rod-holding-hating, bigot.

But, my heart hadn't been hardened enough by common anti-Mormon activities such as: baby-candy-misappropriation or smoking-bath-salts-and-zombie-pretending.

I knew that praying about this issue was a good idea, is my point. Even having rejected the true gospel of Jesus fucking Christ, I still vaguely remember a scripture that says, "If any of ye, lack wisdom. Expecially about smooching ye kids. Let them ax of god, who is totally kewl about explaining that shit and will make fun of ye NOT for axing."

However, I couldn't pray about it at work. While anti-Mormons are the most evil people on the planet, non-members are just slightly less evil. If I were to stop in the middle of the office and kneel in prayer, coworkers would ask what in the fuck I was doing.

Simply because they are evil.

Furthermore, if I were to tell them, "I'm praying to see if it's ok that a father kisses her daughter to show affection," they would mock the shit out of me.

Simply because they are evil.

So, I went home, ate my dinner and had several mudslides before kneeling in prayer, which I have transcribed below:

My dear, kind, Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for this day. And I'm especially grateful for all my blessings. I'm grateful for the food that I just ate. Please bless the food even though I already ate it. I know I should have said a separate blessing for the food. But I didn't, ok? This one time canst thou please bless the food in my stomach that it may nourish and strengthen my body and do the good that it needs? Pretty please. Also, please bless the hands that helped prepare it. Especially please bless the minimum wage worker (most likely a single mom), who worked at the TGIF factory that premixed my mudslide. Sure, she didn't "technically" prepare it - the robot did. BUT she was the human eyes that made sure there wasn't a dead rat in my bottle.

I'm also grateful for the evil anti-Mormons on the Recovery from Mormon message board. Their hatred and persecution of thy one true church makes it abundantly clear that thy one true church is the one true church. Persecution always makes something more true. Kind of like when a fundamentalist bombs a KFC in the middle east. I know that KFC is clearly the one true fried chicken chain and the others (Popeyes) are just Satan worshipping fried chicken chains. Why else would someone bomb a KFC unless it were true?


Anyway, now that I have sufficiently kissed thine sweeter-than-dessert-wine ass, I was wondering if it was ok for a daughter to smooch her father on the lips. Now, to be clear to thee, I'm not talking tongue. This isn't, "May I make out with my daughter?" This is, "what's the line for father-daughter physical affection."

And I know that thou art the best one to talk to about this because of thy first hand experience. Didst thou kiss Mary when thou didst fuck her? Or would that have been going "too far" and just gross?

I look forward to thine response.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I got stuck on the LDS Freedom Forum boards one day.

Work was slow for me, which was good because I just wanted to be a sexy slug anyway.

So I got tempted by the Adversary to check on the Freedom Forum peeps, and I did giveth into tempation.

I learned a lot though. About how Satanosaurus is really controlling so much about the USA - probably controls most of Europe, but to be honest, I don't know if those posters know that there are other countries besides the US and Mexico.

Oh, except for Germany because that place once had some guys who went around telling everyone what they could and could not do, say, read, write. And that some people were inherently better than other people.

I think those guys were called "General Authorities," I don't remember.

There was this really funny thread called "A wild man cometh among us," And it was NOT about what I THOUGHT it was about.

It was about "not being quick to label other posters as apostates" instead of needing more paper towels.

That thread turned into fights about personal revelation trumping the authority of the church and Satanosaurus leading people astray by using the exact same feelings that the Holy Ghost does in order to make evil, bitter, lonely apostates.

Phew! Glad I don't have to worry about whether or not my feelings come from the Holy Ghost or Luciferatops when the feelings are exactly the same.

Now I know that all my feelings come from the Great Deceiver - especially all my happy feelings because they aren't truly happy feelings even though they feel like happy feelings.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Raptor Jesus Goes Shopping

Dearest Peeps,

I would be re-fucking-miss if I didn't tell you about the City Creek Center experience that I experienced.

One day right after the City Creek Center Mall just opened, I went to said mall.  I was wearing all black, yea even my manties and wife-beater were black underneath my black collared shirt and black slacks. It was badass and set the stage so that you can envision me all in black walking around that corporate atrocity making judgmental faces at everyone and everything.

After I parked in the underground "garage" that was really just a network of passageways that connected the temple to the rest of the city (It was originally installed so that the prophet could dispatch danites to murder apostates, but now the danites have been replaced with be-acned teenagers in ugly red vests waving you on to where you can park) I ascended the escalators and my immediate thought was, "Fuck me, I need a drink."

The mall was packed. Packed like a gay bathhouse full of homophobic Congressmen.

The mall was also pretty neat to look at. And let me say that again for effect.

The mall was 'pretty neat to look at.'

The 5. Billion. Dollar. Mall was 'pretty neat to look at.'

There are some water fountains for children to play and get diarrhea in. There's some tiny creeks that tinkle through the mall and sometimes you have to walk over cute little bridges to get over them. And some of the stones on the ground have tracks in them.

Tee hee. Like deer and raccoon tracks and shit. Tee hee. It's quite magical, like maybe you might go into the Disney store and there will be a deer in there yelling at the Cashier, "What the fuck do you mean you don't validate for parking???? I just spent 50 fucking dollars on princess shit for my kids who will most likely be shot by rednecks, and you can't even validate my fucking parking???"

And the cashier will respond, "I'm sorry Mr. Deer, but that's the mall's policy. Only Nordstrom's and Macy's are allowed to validate. As an employee, my parking here isn't even free."

Truly a magical place. As I wandered around, I noticed how worldly, er rather "high end," many of the shops were. Tiffany's, Michael Kors (by the way. Don't go into Michael Kors and proclaim, "Sweet! The new Mortal Kombat handbags are out!" They really fucking hate that joke in there), and the classiest of all, The Cheesecake Factory.

I waited 55 minutes to take a tour of where the world's cheesecakes are assembled; meanwhile I checked out the rest of the shops on the map. I noticed that under "Bookstores" there was "Deseret Book" and also a place called "Papyrus."

Assuming I could get an original copy of the Book of Abraham there - I ventured over and thought that I had walked into a Hallmark shop. Just Greeting Cards. With this being the Mormon Mall, I was curious if I could find a greeting card that said, "Sorry, I'm fucking your wife because god told me to." However, I didn't find that one.

After exiting, a friend texted me and asked if I would get her some "Bread of Life" because I was at the Jesus mall.

Couldn't find that either. I figured that Regular Jesus would probably want to update his image - and become hipper with a younger demographic - just like his mall would imply. So instead of searching for "Bread of Life" I looked for "Christ Cupcakes," "Son of Man Sandwiches," "Geezus Gyros," and "The Prince of Products."

Yet nothing. After all my searching, oddly enough, Jesus was no where to be found at that mall.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Raptor Jesus' guide to getting women in bed (Works every time)

Occasionally I get prayers from Ex-Mormons about, "how to get [insert type of] woman into bed."

Your cries have not gone unheard, and I have decided to descend upon high to give you further light and truth regarding this matter.

Mormon women are tricky to begin with. Standard seduction techniques such as getting up in fast and testimony meeting, gyrating your hips while singing Salt-N-Peppa's "Pushit" only works 1/64th of the time.

Now as Ex-Mormons, pitching woo can be quite confusing. And where all men falter is the oratory. Women respond to verbal cues mostly, so below is a dialogue guide that is guaranteed to get any woman into bed. This approach is best done at your favorite club, bar, box social event.


Raptor Jesus: Good evening, miss.

Woman: Good evening to you too, sir.

RJ: You are looking quite well tonight.

Woman: Why thank you.

RJ: Yes, and while you look utterly ravishing, if I might be so bold as to observe that there is a tiredness to your beautiful eyes.

W: Today has been taxing for I have accomplished a great many things.

RJ: I'm sure that you have. I sensed that you were a woman of high ambition with many responsibilities. I would like to gently suggest that when you are done partaking in tonight's festivities that you retire for a full night's slumber.

W: That suggestion does sound lovely, sir. I need to be fully refreshed for the morrow. Later this evening, I will sup on Baron Von Sandman's bounty.

RJ: Indeed. I will bid you adieux until you retire to your boudoir. Good night, and let a Flock of Seagulls sing thee to thy rest.


Congratulations. Courage and wit have served thee well for thou hast gotten a woman into bed.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Raptor Jesus is BACK! Blogging!

It's been a long time.

Too long.

So long that it really isn't good to get into a long post right now.

Instead here is a link to a semi fitting themed song that should never have been made in the first place.



Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sexmas and the loss of Santa.

One of the best things about Santa and Regular Jesus from a parenting perspective is the threatening you get to do with your children.

"If you don't stop hitting your sister, you won't get toys for Christmas!"

And Mormonism allows for even more specific threats:

"If you touch yourself, Jesus won't give you the password and handshake into his super secret He-Man woman-haters clubhouse!"

Now that I don't have any invisible friends left, I was concerned about what to do with my own children.

But I've decided to take the Santa idea to the max. Why stop at Santa and Jesus, when there's a whole host of cool make believe people I can use to threaten my children?

"If you back-talk me again, Dr. Octopus is going to remove one of your kidneys while you sleep."

"Do your homework, or Apocalypse is going to turn you into one of his Four Horsemen. (And not the cool ones either)."

"Brush your teeth, or Batman's not coming to your wedding."

See? So many possibilities.