Once upon a time god collected the scattered remains of other dead worlds that were floating through space and he brought them to where the earth is now.
Then he squeezed them together like dried out
scraps of play-doh and added some water so they didn't just crumble into
multi colored dust that gets into the shag carpet and is hard to vacuum
After that, he got some more water from the tap in his
magical space laboratory and poured it onto what is now the "earth." He
scuplted the planet until water could be still in lakes, rivers, oceans
etc. Then, god got some seed spread from his divine chia-pet and rubbed
it over the land. Afterwhich, he turned the light on in his grow room
where he keeps his personal stash and turned on the hydroponic system
that he bought from the "novelty store" run by those two aging hippies.
took a trip to the Dollar Store and got a few packages of plastic
animals, and after pulling on the packaging too hard the animals burst
out and went everywhere.
"Goddamnit!" God exclaimed because some
of the animals landed safely onto the earth while others like the
package of dinosaurs landed too hard into the wet play-doh and sank
But god was too lazy to pick them out because he'd
totally have to wash his hands AGAIN, and he already had to do that when
he went potty (not very well though because the bacteria and viruses
got all over the earth he was man handling), so the dinosaurs were just
left where they were.
God saw that he hadn't created 'man' yet,
and he wanted man to be special. Fuck those cheap animals, man was going
to be awesome. God was going to make him from the same goo the earth
was made from. So god shrank himself down and transformed into the image
of man, so that he knew what the eventual end product would look like.
molding the earth so carefully and massaging every curve of muscle into
just the right shape, god put his finger into the man's face and
swirled it around just so gently forming the mouth.
God then bent
down and placed his own mouth onto the clay forming a very hot, tight
seal. And god then blew that man's mouth so hard until the man's
rippling chest heaved up and down into rhythm with god's.
wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he saw the man's eyes open
slowly and he knew it had been just as good for the man as it had been