Thursday, September 1, 2011

Evolution is Wrong!!!

Once upon a time god collected the scattered remains of other dead worlds that were floating through space and he brought them to where the earth is now.

Then he squeezed them together like dried out scraps of play-doh and added some water so they didn't just crumble into multi colored dust that gets into the shag carpet and is hard to vacuum out.

After that, he got some more water from the tap in his magical space laboratory and poured it onto what is now the "earth." He scuplted the planet until water could be still in lakes, rivers, oceans etc. Then, god got some seed spread from his divine chia-pet and rubbed it over the land. Afterwhich, he turned the light on in his grow room where he keeps his personal stash and turned on the hydroponic system that he bought from the "novelty store" run by those two aging hippies.

God took a trip to the Dollar Store and got a few packages of plastic animals, and after pulling on the packaging too hard the animals burst out and went everywhere.

"Goddamnit!" God exclaimed because some of the animals landed safely onto the earth while others like the package of dinosaurs landed too hard into the wet play-doh and sank inside.

But god was too lazy to pick them out because he'd totally have to wash his hands AGAIN, and he already had to do that when he went potty (not very well though because the bacteria and viruses got all over the earth he was man handling), so the dinosaurs were just left where they were.

God saw that he hadn't created 'man' yet, and he wanted man to be special. Fuck those cheap animals, man was going to be awesome. God was going to make him from the same goo the earth was made from. So god shrank himself down and transformed into the image of man, so that he knew what the eventual end product would look like.

After molding the earth so carefully and massaging every curve of muscle into just the right shape, god put his finger into the man's face and swirled it around just so gently forming the mouth.

God then bent down and placed his own mouth onto the clay forming a very hot, tight seal. And god then blew that man's mouth so hard until the man's rippling chest heaved up and down into rhythm with god's.

After wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he saw the man's eyes open slowly and he knew it had been just as good for the man as it had been for god.

The end!


  1. Wow, so that's how it happened! Let me guess, right after inventing man, god's mommy called him and told him it was time for him to eat his snack, so he stuck planet earth in the closet, ate his snack, spent the rest of the day watching cartoons, and never played with his earth toy again.

  2. I like how god took his own name in vain. I do it too. Heatherdamnit is often said at my casa. It makes sense.

    Your version of the Creation is much more logical. IMO..........