Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sexmas and the loss of Santa.

One of the best things about Santa and Regular Jesus from a parenting perspective is the threatening you get to do with your children.

"If you don't stop hitting your sister, you won't get toys for Christmas!"

And Mormonism allows for even more specific threats:

"If you touch yourself, Jesus won't give you the password and handshake into his super secret He-Man woman-haters clubhouse!"

Now that I don't have any invisible friends left, I was concerned about what to do with my own children.

But I've decided to take the Santa idea to the max. Why stop at Santa and Jesus, when there's a whole host of cool make believe people I can use to threaten my children?

"If you back-talk me again, Dr. Octopus is going to remove one of your kidneys while you sleep."

"Do your homework, or Apocalypse is going to turn you into one of his Four Horsemen. (And not the cool ones either)."

"Brush your teeth, or Batman's not coming to your wedding."

See? So many possibilities.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Mitt Romney and Masturbation

I have had the immense pleasure of speaking with two coworkers and some complete strangers on the Internet about the topic of Romney and masturbation.

You see, peeps, while Mormonism has no shame it IS motivated by embarrassment. If you want to change anything, then you need to create a PR nightmare.

Well, thank you Mormonism for the PR nightmare that is your own disgusting doctrine. And that doctrine is that masturbation is a serious sin that requires confession. And that the confessions start around age 12 while alone with a grown man.

Being guilted, shamed, and manipulated by something that is completely natural and should be private (unless you are with a very special person/stripper) is my personal all time hated thing about my former religion.

And with Romney in a very high profile place and being a former Bishop and Stake President, I LOVE sharing this abusive practice that by all accounts Romney took part in.

My favorite part is the absolute horror that normal people get when I explain to them that Mormonism is more than just a quirky religion with silly beliefs (like any other religion), but there is a festering underbelly that really is concerning to any rational thinking person.

So, it is with immense pleasure that I lay out the doctrine, policy, and procedures dealing with masturbation and confession and then watch the WTF expressions turn even more disgusted as I state the fact that Romney was a bishop and stake president and therefore it is most likely that as a grown man he was alone with children and asked them about their masturbation practices and then took part in the irrational and unscientific guilting and shaming of one of the MOST natural and HUMAN things of our species.

PS - this also really destroys any kind of potential converts.