Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sexmas and the loss of Santa.

One of the best things about Santa and Regular Jesus from a parenting perspective is the threatening you get to do with your children.

"If you don't stop hitting your sister, you won't get toys for Christmas!"

And Mormonism allows for even more specific threats:

"If you touch yourself, Jesus won't give you the password and handshake into his super secret He-Man woman-haters clubhouse!"

Now that I don't have any invisible friends left, I was concerned about what to do with my own children.

But I've decided to take the Santa idea to the max. Why stop at Santa and Jesus, when there's a whole host of cool make believe people I can use to threaten my children?

"If you back-talk me again, Dr. Octopus is going to remove one of your kidneys while you sleep."

"Do your homework, or Apocalypse is going to turn you into one of his Four Horsemen. (And not the cool ones either)."

"Brush your teeth, or Batman's not coming to your wedding."

See? So many possibilities.


  1. Just finished your book. Loved it! Very entertaining and enlightening. Elder Fuckwit sounds like my cousin, LOL. Complete with premature balding comb over.

  2. because you wrote that most excellent book: Dr. Octopus will no longer plan to open you up & re-insert a faulty appendix. you are off the hook, dude! (eternally & internally). thanks for what you went thru, & for making it funny. your book > (pwns) the book of mormon.