Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Difference between Regular Jesus and Mormon Jesus. Part the first

With Mitt the Romney and John the Huntsman in the spotlight trying to grab the Presidential Seal away from Barack the Obama, Mormon beliefs have come under public scrutiny.

One thing that many people are curious about Mormonism is if there's a difference between Regular X-tian Jesus and Mormon Jesus.  And if there are differences then what the fuck might those differences be.

Well, as a Jesi, I am perfectly capable and qualified to answer this question.  And I will do it in multiple parts because I can only get drunk so much as I write before the profanity becomes unintelligible.  And unintelligible profanity is a crime against humanity.

One major difference is how the two Jesi were birthed.  In the Mormon view, god the father (Elohim) rocked Mary's world in order to literally beget his son.  Yes, let's travel back to that magical moment....

Once upon a time on a planet near the star called Kolob lived a god named Elohim.  Now this planet was also made from crystal.  The kind of crystal that also makes up candy dishes at Bed Bath and Beyond where you and your "old lady" are going shopping for a heat resistant turner because you are tired of eating scrambled eggs with little, melted plastic balls.  Your "bitch" sees the candy dish and picks it up to put into the cart, and you throw a fit.

You: Why the fuck are we getting that?

Her: Because it looks nice?

You: But it's forty fucking dollars and where are we going to put it?

Her: The coffee table.

You: But that's where my pornography and crack pipe live!

Her: Yeah, and now your crack can live in something that looks nice.

You: What the fuck are you talking about?  It's not like the Queen of England is coming over to share my rock.

So, Elohim lives on the planet made from the same shit thrown back on the shelf with a disgusted, "This is why we can't have nice things!"  But being an exalted, resurrected, perfect man with flowing white hair and beard, Elohim also has access to quite a few amazing contraptions that would make any 19th century treasure hunting con-man jealous.  Stroking his white beard while his white robes swirl gently around his golden sandals, Elohim proclaims, "Urim and Thumim, Urim and Thumim on the wall.  Who is the fairest Jew of all?"

One of the crystal mounds in front of Elohim makes a tinkling sound like a "symbol" and a faint "honk" like a sounding brass instrument, and scene unfolds in front of him.

A young Jewish girl named Mary is in her bedroom with another girl.  Mary's beauty is framed by the lit candles surrounding her bed where she and her friend sit cross legged but facing each other.  Her bedroom is adorned with artists' rendering of Elohim.  Several of them depict him shirtless and his muscles well cut and his glowing white hair flowing while laying sideways on a sandy beach or riding a white unicorn.

Mary's perfect auburn curls shake slightly as she speaks to her friend.

Mary: Elohim is soooooo cute.  We had another sermon on him at temple today and I thought I was going to die!

Friend: I know!  When Rabbi talked about him appearing to Moses as a burning bush, I could only think, 'Well, he sure burns MY bush!'

The two began to giggle.  Their feet kicked together as they lied back on the bed.  Both of them excitedly exclaiming, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"

Elohim breaths out slowly as his arms unfold from behind his back.  He mutters, "I'm going to tear that up," as he flexes each bicep and kisses them one by one.

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