Monday, August 8, 2011

Raptor Jesus' Near Death Experience

I was reading many online fights over Near Death Experiences and Out of Body Experiences.  After several days of reading websites and webfights over their "realness" I had my own NDE.

Once my brain decided to shut itself off, I went into cardiac arrest.

I flopped to the floor like a dead fish, and my spirit oozed out of my body like creamy caramel. After gathering myself together I began to float up towards the ceiling. I noted how disgusting the tops of the furniture was, and I thought "This is fucking gross. Someone should really dust up here."

I was greatly heartened that I was floating up instead of being dragged away by screaming shadows, but I was nervous about getting sucked into a jet engine.

Sure if I'm going to go, I'd rather take a bunch of innocent people with me, but maybe that thought alone would end my upward trip and instantly reverse the direction. However, I didn't need to worry about that much longer because before I could get to the moon and confirm that neither quakers NOR racist transformers lived on there, a tunnel opened up before me.

The tunnel was both neat, creepy, and campy and Willie Wonka was there to sing as I passed through towards the light. If I had eyes, I would have called the light blinding. Instead it was giving my soul an amazing tan, and I knew that I was going to heaven super hot. I would just have to find some body glitter.

The light fully enveloped me and I ended up in a place without dimension. I figured that either Dumbledore or Morpheus was going to greet me. That was not the case - I got the REAL Christ figure instead of just a symbolic one.

Regular Jesus looked good for someone who on earth had been so poked full of holes. He embraced me and bade me welcome.

His embrace lingered as he told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. I was a little uncomfortable as the embrace continued as well as his gushing.

His hand on my back suddenly slid to my ectoplasm ass and his face moved into mine his mouth slightly open.

Stunned, I pushed him back, and said, "Whoa! Look, Regular Jesus, I'm flattered but I'm not gay."

Christ nervously laughed and his eyes darted around, "What? I'm not gay! What are you talking about?"

My eyes narrowed skeptically, "Then what the fuck was that all about?"

"I just wanted to tell you that I loved you."

"With your fucking tongue in my mouth? I don't fucking think so."


I interrupted with a sudden realization. "I get what's going on here. It's your dad! You're totally gay..."

"Shhhhhhhh!" Jesus quickly grabbed my arm and moved in close to ensure a private conversation. "You can't say that. Even if I were...that father would go ballistic. So keep your mouth shut!"

"Man!" I began, "You've got some real daddy issues you need to sort out."

"Tell me about it," he responded resignedly.

"Why don't you just tell him? Yeah, he'll be pissed, but I'm sure he'll get over it."

"No he won't. It's a big deal up here."


"Yes it IS!"

"I don't believe you." I asserted. "I'm going to ask around."

Jesus firmly placed his hand on my chest. "No you won't!"

"Oh, what are you going to do? Kick me out? Send me to hell? Like Satan and your dad don't talk?"

"No. I'm sending you back."

"And what's that going accomplish?" I asked.

Jesus pushed me and I began to fall. "Remember," he said, "This is an Near Death Experience. No one will believe you anyway."

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