The 15 Mormon Top authorities claim to be "special witnesses" of Christ.

Well, I'm not sure about that, but...

 

I was a "special witness " of Santa one time.

I went downstairs on sexmas eve and I saw my mother kissing Santa.

I screamed, "YOU WHORE!" and dove at her. How could she betray my father's trust like that?

However, in my berserker fueled rage I failed to notice that Santa had the finished glass of milk in his hand which he broke over my head causing me to black out.

I awoke in the hospital the next morning with my parents standing over me. Still in a daze, I muttered to my father, "Mommy's a hobag."

My father laughed and said, "No, son. Mommy is not a hobag. She and Santa were just rehearsing a play while daddy watched from a corner with a video camera."

"Really?" I asked.

"Really," He responded, "Now you should rest up, son. You lost a lot of blood from the glass shards that got lodged in your head."

He reached over and pressed the morphine release button. "Merry Christmas."

As I began to black out again, I heard more laughing from the room. One of the laughs sounded just like Santa's from the night before.




Santa was real.

The Difference between Regular Jesus and Mormon Jesus. Part the first

With Mitt the Romney and John the Huntsman in the spotlight trying to grab the Presidential Seal away from Barack the Obama, Mormon beliefs have come under public scrutiny.

One thing that many people are curious about Mormonism is if there's a difference between Regular X-tian Jesus and Mormon Jesus.  And if there are differences then what the fuck might those differences be.

Well, as a Jesi, I am perfectly capable and qualified to answer this question.  And I will do it in multiple parts because I can only get drunk so much as I write before the profanity becomes unintelligible.  And unintelligible profanity is a crime against humanity.

One major difference is how the two Jesi were birthed.  In the Mormon view, god the father (Elohim) rocked Mary's world in order to literally beget his son.  Yes, let's travel back to that magical moment....

Once upon a time on a planet near the star called Kolob lived a god named Elohim.  Now this planet was also made from crystal.  The kind of crystal that also makes up candy dishes at Bed Bath and Beyond where you and your "old lady" are going shopping for a heat resistant turner because you are tired of eating scrambled eggs with little, melted plastic balls.  Your "bitch" sees the candy dish and picks it up to put into the cart, and you throw a fit.

You: Why the fuck are we getting that?

Her: Because it looks nice?

You: But it's forty fucking dollars and where are we going to put it?

Her: The coffee table.

You: But that's where my pornography and crack pipe live!

Her: Yeah, and now your crack can live in something that looks nice.

You: What the fuck are you talking about?  It's not like the Queen of England is coming over to share my rock.

So, Elohim lives on the planet made from the same shit thrown back on the shelf with a disgusted, "This is why we can't have nice things!"  But being an exalted, resurrected, perfect man with flowing white hair and beard, Elohim also has access to quite a few amazing contraptions that would make any 19th century treasure hunting con-man jealous.  Stroking his white beard while his white robes swirl gently around his golden sandals, Elohim proclaims, "Urim and Thumim, Urim and Thumim on the wall.  Who is the fairest Jew of all?"

One of the crystal mounds in front of Elohim makes a tinkling sound like a "symbol" and a faint "honk" like a sounding brass instrument, and scene unfolds in front of him.

A young Jewish girl named Mary is in her bedroom with another girl.  Mary's beauty is framed by the lit candles surrounding her bed where she and her friend sit cross legged but facing each other.  Her bedroom is adorned with artists' rendering of Elohim.  Several of them depict him shirtless and his muscles well cut and his glowing white hair flowing while laying sideways on a sandy beach or riding a white unicorn.

Mary's perfect auburn curls shake slightly as she speaks to her friend.

Mary: Elohim is soooooo cute.  We had another sermon on him at temple today and I thought I was going to die!

Friend: I know!  When Rabbi talked about him appearing to Moses as a burning bush, I could only think, 'Well, he sure burns MY bush!'

The two began to giggle.  Their feet kicked together as they lied back on the bed.  Both of them excitedly exclaiming, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"

Elohim breaths out slowly as his arms unfold from behind his back.  He mutters, "I'm going to tear that up," as he flexes each bicep and kisses them one by one.

It's Official! Over 100 copies sold Worldwide!

A little less than two months to sell 100 copies.

Kneel before Raptor!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005IQKAQU/ref=s9_simh_gw_p351_d0_g351_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0X39CY7YTY6YZGVW6EAX&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

Caffeine, the Devil's Smegma.

The last few days I've been feeling "in a funk" which, is completely different than "feeling the funk" or "feeling funky." The first one causes your body to slump its shoulders and your top teeth to stick out as if you were a mouth-breathing donkey. While the last two phrases cause uncontrollable gyrations of the pelvic area in the hopes of attracting a mate.

So at lunch, I got a Cherry Coke. And this is rare for me. I rarely suckle at caffeine's harpy teat.

Not because of some lingering vestiges of Mormonism's influence. No, I don't drink caffeinated beverages because it makes me BETTER than everyone else.

While everyone else is enjoying their coffee to not pass out during work, I am fueled by a self righteous sense of superiority. Surrounded by weak and pathetic drug abusers, I have lifted myself on to the highest horse by my own sheer will.

Mounted on high, I can view the disgusting subhumans clawing through garbage like raccoons - just to get another fix.

But today, I became one of those raccoons, and not even a classy raccoon like, the King or Duke of Raccoons. No, I was just a peasant raccoon with a conical leather cap and feces stained tunic.

Sure the Cherry Coke tasted like Heavenly Mother's carbonated milk, and my thoughts became clearer and my mood temporarily improved.

But at what price?







At what price?

Tis the Season!

Enjoy!

September 11th isn't just about Islamic extremists.

No no.

September 11, has a much longer history of religious fuckfaces taking out their bullshit ideas on other peoples' lives.

September 11, 1857 is also the date for the Mountain Meadows Massacre.  If you aren't aware, here's a decent starting place.

Just remember that it is a starting place.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mountain_Meadows_massacre

Evolution is Wrong!!!

Once upon a time god collected the scattered remains of other dead worlds that were floating through space and he brought them to where the earth is now.

Then he squeezed them together like dried out scraps of play-doh and added some water so they didn't just crumble into multi colored dust that gets into the shag carpet and is hard to vacuum out.

After that, he got some more water from the tap in his magical space laboratory and poured it onto what is now the "earth." He scuplted the planet until water could be still in lakes, rivers, oceans etc. Then, god got some seed spread from his divine chia-pet and rubbed it over the land. Afterwhich, he turned the light on in his grow room where he keeps his personal stash and turned on the hydroponic system that he bought from the "novelty store" run by those two aging hippies.

God took a trip to the Dollar Store and got a few packages of plastic animals, and after pulling on the packaging too hard the animals burst out and went everywhere.

"Goddamnit!" God exclaimed because some of the animals landed safely onto the earth while others like the package of dinosaurs landed too hard into the wet play-doh and sank inside.

But god was too lazy to pick them out because he'd totally have to wash his hands AGAIN, and he already had to do that when he went potty (not very well though because the bacteria and viruses got all over the earth he was man handling), so the dinosaurs were just left where they were.

God saw that he hadn't created 'man' yet, and he wanted man to be special. Fuck those cheap animals, man was going to be awesome. God was going to make him from the same goo the earth was made from. So god shrank himself down and transformed into the image of man, so that he knew what the eventual end product would look like.

After molding the earth so carefully and massaging every curve of muscle into just the right shape, god put his finger into the man's face and swirled it around just so gently forming the mouth.

God then bent down and placed his own mouth onto the clay forming a very hot, tight seal. And god then blew that man's mouth so hard until the man's rippling chest heaved up and down into rhythm with god's.

After wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he saw the man's eyes open slowly and he knew it had been just as good for the man as it had been for god.

The end!