Monday, July 11, 2011

For those of you who resign/want to resign.

But don't want to meet with the local leadership.

First of all, you of course don't have to. Second of all, it doesn't matter if you did.

However, I have to be honest in saying that I sometimes fantasize about going to your meetings with the Bishop and Stake President along with you as your "arbiter."

I do this because I would find it to be hysterical, and in my brain of hearts the scene would play out similar to a settlement meeting (but one from TV).

Bishop Buttkiss and Stake President Patronizing would sit across from us in a large room with a large desk. In the background you can see sexy people looking busy through the large panes of glass.

The Stake President is calm and collected in his expensive grey suit. His silver hair is perfectly parted and the right side has a slight curl to the bangs.

The Bishop looks haggard and weary in his cheap suit. His stress gut wheezes up and down, straining over his too small pants.

Raptor Jesus Esquire sits back almost lounging. One arm resting slightly on the arm of the chair. The other wrist sitting gently on the edge of the table. His long hair and bebearded face would seem almost out of place except for the clothes he wears. His deep navy blue suit is made darker by the black shirt underneath, but is offset by the silver patterned tie. His crooked smile and icy blue gaze never leave the Stake President's Face.

The client is trying her best to remain calm. She has been coached to keep her hands clasped underneath the table resting on the thighs of her pantsuit. No more dresses for her unless she chooses them.

The Bishop goes to speak but is interrupted immediately by the Stake President.

Stake President: Sister Hug-E-Bear,

RJ Esq: She's not your sister, Mr. Patronizing.

Both Bishop and Stake President breathe in noticeably and exhale slowly.

Stake President: Very well. Ms. Hug-E-Bear. We received your request for resignation but we must demand that you reconsider it.

RJ Esq: Let the record show that neither Mr. Buttkiss nor Mr. Patronizing is the boss of my client.

Bishop: Look, we just...

Stake President (flashing his teeth quickly at the Bishop and touching his arm): Siste...Ms. Please! How can you put your eternal salvation at risk like this??? And your family...

Client Hug-E-Bear goes to speak, she is obviously shaken. Raptor Jesus Esquire puts his hand up slightly.

RJ Esq: My client doesn't have to answer any of your questions. However, she has prepared a statement in case of this particular question. (He sifts quickly through papers until finding the right one. Tilting his head back so he can read the paper through the glasses). My client has requested (his eyes peer over his glasses to the two sitting on the other side of the table) that you "fuck yourselves...."

Stake President: This is an outrage!

Bishop: Disgusting!

RJ Esq: (continuing) She also requests that you, "Eat shit and THEN die."

Stake President (getting up): This is offensive, let's go, Bishop.

Bishop (quickly getting up as well): Absolutely.

Stake President (while walking from the room and waggling his finger): You are making a BIG MISTAKE!

(The Bishop is shaking his head in sadness as he begins to exit)

RJ Esq (voice rising as they leave the room): Furthermore, you can kiss Her Bum, ONE TIME!!!

The two sit alone in the room for a moment.

RJ Esq to client: See? That was kind of fun!

End Scene!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment