Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Kolobian Theater Presents: Polygamy - God loves pussy playin'

You will be connected to the next available missionary.
Agent [Jimmy] is ready to assist you.
Jimmy: Hi, how are you/
Jimmy: ?
Me: Hi Jimmy
Me: not very well
Me: this is kind of awkward, but is there a sister missionary I can speak with? I just don’t think you’ll understand
Me: no offense
Agent [Alyssa] has joined the chat.
Agent [Jimmy] has left the chat.
Agent [Alyssa] is ready to assist you.
Me: oh thank goodness
Me: Hi Alyssa
Me: are you there?
Alyssa: Hi Jennifer!
Me: oh good
Alyssa: great, how are you?
Me: I just don’t know who else to turn to. I’m not very well
Alyssa: I am sorry to hear that Jennifer! Have you been on here at all today to talk to sisters?
Me: no, my parents just went to the store so I had to wait to get on
Me: I didn’t want them to see that I was asking you questions and give them the satisfaction
Me: they’re not members
Me: in fact they don’t like the church at all
Me: but that’s not why I’m here. I joined the church a few months ago and everything was going fine until my friends started calling me a polygamist
Alyssa: I see
Alyssa: really?
Alyssa: how come?
Me: at first I thought they were just teasing me because of the warren jeffs stuff
Me: I tried to explain to them that that’s not our church
Me: they’re a whole different mormon church
Me: even though they think they’re the right one
Me: but then bobby, this boy I like, told me that our church still practices polygamy too
Me: and I told him that’s not true because it’s against the law
Me: but then he showed me in the library where Dallin H Oaks and Russell M Nelson are both sealed to two women in the temple!
Alyssa: ohh I see… they called your faith a polygamist faith
Me: is that true?
Alyssa: Well Jennifer, it is true. Polygamy is not practiced here anymore… you are right, it is against the law.
Alyssa: Men, however, can be sealed to more than one woman
Me: but that’s polygamy!
Me: :(
Alyssa: It is not called polygamy… we don’t know how it will all span out after this life Jennifer… Our minds can’t comprehend the purposes of God
Alyssa: but, let me ask you this
Me: what?
Alyssa: do you know the Book of Mormon is true?
Alyssa: do you believe Joseph Smith was a prophet and that this church is true?
Alyssa: those are the things that matter Jennifer… we don’t always understand why things are the way they are… but I can promise you we will understand all things after this life
Me: but that’s a total copout! :O
Alyssa: we just have to trust in our Heavenly Father
Me: just because something’s true doesn’t mean it’s right
Me: it’s “true” that hitler was the leader of the Nazis. That doesn’t mean all the germans had to follow him
Me: polygamy is wrong to me
Me: I could never follow that
Me: and I was told that we didn’t do it anymore
Me: but two apostles are practicing it right now!
Me: I feel totally betrayed
Me: would you let your husband marry another woman?
Alyssa: do you believe God will make us suffer after this life?
Me: god suffers all the time
Me: so yeah
Me: but you didn’t answer my question
Me: would you?
Alyssa: not on this earth, no
Alyssa: that is not right
Alyssa: things will be different in the eternities though
Me: so you would in the celestial kingdom?
Alyssa: I trust that God will take care of things
Me: if god’s way of taking care of things were to command you to practice polygamy would you say yes?
Alyssa: yes… I trust Him in all things Jennifer
Alyssa: but, that has come with time
Me: oh my god
Me: so what if polygamy were decriminalized here on earth tomorrow?
Me: would you practice it here?
Alyssa: we trust that God knows things we don’t… He has a purpose for all things
Alyssa: do you trust in Him?
Me: what if that purpose is to subjugate women?
Me: what if god’s purpose is immoral?
Me: there’s no good reason for polygamy to exist. It’s all for men’s benefit and if pretty much just turns women into slaves
Me: I can’t believe I’m having this conversation
Me: can you give me one good reason why your husband would need another wife?
Alyssa: Jennifer, we don’t know how things will work in the eternities
Me: yeah we do
Alyssa: do you believe that God wants us to be miserable?
Me: brigham young said that “the only men who become gods, even the sons of god, are those who enter into polygamy.” I looked it up
Alyssa: after this life?
Me: I don’t think god wants men to be miserable but it doesn’t seem like he cares about women
Me: the book of mormon even says, “men are that they might have joy.” Doesn’t say anything about women
Me: he lets men do all the good stuff
Me: we’re basically breeding cows
Me: it doesn’t make sense
Alyssa: not at all Jennifer… we are the ones that create life… what would this world be without woman?
Me: we can’t do it by ourselves
Alyssa: women*
Me: men have just as much to do with it
Me: it’s not like we’re trees who produce in season
Me: and they get to take part in the pleasure but none of the pain
Me: and it’s not like we’re actually doing anything. Our bodies do all the work. There’s no skill involved. It’s all auto-pilot
Me: we need men to have babies. We need men to translate scriptures. We need men to give us blessings
Me: we need men to run the church
Me: what do we do? Run nursery and relief society?
Alyssa: Jennifer, I know that as women, we are daughters of God. Men and women have different purposes in this life.
Me: it seems like we only have one purpose
Me: make babies
Me: why aren’t there any women in the quorum of the 12?
Alyssa: 1 Corinthians 11:11
Alyssa: talks about this
Me: what does it say?
Me: oh my god. Never mind. I just read it. It says the head of the woman is MAN
Me: and that if we don’t cover our heads we are dishonored
Me: and it says women were created FOR men
Me: that’s terrible
Alyssa: where does it say that?
Me: 1 corinthians 11:2-11
Me: I don’t believe anything paul says. He was a jerk
Me: someone told me he said women shouldn’t speak in church
Alyssa: what?
Alyssa: that is not true
Me: so he was wrong because women speak in church all the time
Me: let me google it
Me: yep
Alyssa: Jennifer, I wish there was something I could say to soften your heart about this, but I just can’t. It is something you need to pray, and even fast about
Alyssa: to ask God for comfort
Alyssa: and understanding
Me: 1 corinthians 14:34-35 “women should remain silent in the churches”
Me: but why should I soften my heart to polygamy? It’s disgusting
Me: why should I let my husband cheat on me just because another man said it was ok?
Alyssa: it is not going to be the same after this life
Alyssa: we don’t know how it will all work out
Me: what will be different?
Alyssa: but it will
Me: am I going to love my husband less?
Me: am I suddenly going to think cheating is okie dokie?
Alyssa: not at all
Me: what could possibly be different after this life?
Alyssa: we don’t really know… that’s where faith comes in… faith in Heavenly Father
Alyssa: when we pass through the veil, our understanding will be opened
Me: but you’re the one who said it will be different. If you don’t know how why would you say that?
Me: what are you basing that on?
Me: so when we pass through the veil suddenly I’ll realize that cheating was always ok?
Alyssa: Jennifer, have you gone to your bishop about this?
Me: it that’s the case why is it wrong here?
Me: he’s a man
Me: of course he’s down for polygamy
Me: conflict of interest
Me: what man wouldn’t be?
Me: it’s us females who get the short end of the stick
Me: I’m starting to think this is all just a scam. I mean, the men at the top of the pyramid get to collect all the tithing money, they don’t have to tell anybody how it’s spent, they get to be sealed to more than one woman, it’s all just very convenient for the men
Me: what do we get out of it?
Alyssa: I am sorry you feel this way to Jennifer
Alyssa: the only advice I can give to you is to find out for yourself
Alyssa: to gain more of a testimony of God’s plan for us
Me: I think I just did
Alyssa: and not worry so much about what will happen after this life
Alyssa: in that aspect
Me: I mean, you’re basically saying you feel the same as I do but you think some magic juju will happen when you die that will make it all ok
Me: that sounds very naïve
Me: what could possibly happen to make it ok for your husband to have sex with another woman? That’s my real question for you
Alyssa: I have had family pass away… and have gained a strong testimony of the after-life… I know that God lives, and that He will take care of us… I can’t doubt it
Alyssa: I can’t convince you Jennifer
Me: that doesn’t answer my question
Alyssa: that’s not what I’m here for
Me: what are you here for then?
Alyssa: to share with people how to come closer to Christ and gain a testimony of their own
Alyssa: we are not here to convince
Me: that’s a total smokescreen. You’re not sharing relevant details about your faith to people who are investigating. There are thousands of churches who help people come closer to Christ and gain a testimony
Me: none of them are down with polygamy
Me: I feel like I’ve been lied to
Me: are you a convert or were you born in the church?
Alyssa: how did you gain a testimony that the church was true?
Alyssa: I was born into the church, but gained my own testimony through experiences I’ve had
Me: by not learning about all this secret doctrine, I guess. I liked what the missionaries had to say but they completely avoided all of this stuff. My dad says they “bait & switched” me
Me: so what experiences did you have that made you think it was ok to share your husband with other women? That’s what I’m interested in knowing. That could help me.
Alyssa: I guess it has come from my experiences with dealing with death in my family… I have never questioned the purpose after this life so much
Me: what does that have to do with polygamy?
Alyssa: I can’t tell you I ever had an “exact” experience making me feel ok with men being able to be sealed to more than one woman
Alyssa: but, through my experiences on my own, I KNOW god will not make us miserable
Alyssa: I trust in Him in ALL things
Me: but god’s miserable all the time
Me: why would we be any different?
Alyssa: I know that He has a purpose for all things
Alyssa: what do you mean by that?
Me: have you ever read the scriptures? He’s always angry and killing people and making people kill each other
Alyssa: no, no, not at all. God is our loving Heavenly Father
Me: you think he was just whistling Dixie when jesus was being tortured? It didn’t upset him at all?
Me: it’s not like he’s on Prozac or anything
Alyssa: Jennifer, are parents miserable all the time?
Me: some are
Alyssa: well I can tell you God is not
Me: most of the ladies in my ward are on anti-depressants
Me: they talk about it all the time
Alyssa: Jennifer, I am sorry I can’t tell you anything that will change your heart
Alyssa: but, will you fast about this tomorrow?
Alyssa: for fast Sunday?
Alyssa: and sincerely ask God to help you understand?
Me: you think starving myself will change my mind about my husband cheating on me?
Alyssa: that’s all I can invite you to do
Alyssa: I am sorry
Me: that’s ok. I think you pretty much told me everything I needed to know
Me: thanks
Alyssa: Jennifer, are you going to let this ruin your testimony?
Alyssa: of the things you have felt?
Me: the god I believe in and have a testimony of is not a god who would condone polygamy
Alyssa: so, you don’t believe in The Bible when men were asked to practice it?
Alyssa: you don’t believe that came from God?
Me: nope. Nor do I believe paul was speaking for god when he said women couldn’t speak in church
Alyssa: you have to remember, The Bible is very symbolic
Alyssa: that doesn’t mean literally by any means
Me: can’t have it both ways
Me: how is being silent “symbolic”?
Me: the book of mormon specifically condemns polygamy
Alyssa: where?
Me: hold on, let me ask google
Me: Jacob 2:24-29
Me: he calls polygamy a “*****dom” and I agree with that.
Alyssa: there were certain times when polygamy was condoned by God
Me: so god changed?
Alyssa: like in Abraham’s time for example
Me: who told you that?
Alyssa: these scriptures are talking about Solomon
Alyssa: right?
Me: david & Solomon, yes
Alyssa: yes
Me: but who told you it was ok for Abraham to have more than one wife?
Alyssa: we read that Abraham had multiple wives in The Bible
Alyssa: He was a prophet of God
Me: and the bible was written by who?
Alyssa: ancient prophets
Me: and what gender were those ancient prophets?
Alyssa: they were male
Me: exactly
Alyssa: so, you only believe certain parts of The Bible?
Me: I definitely don’t believe women should be silent in church. So I don’t believe that part
Me: and I don’t think cheating is ok
Me: so I don’t believe that part
Alyssa: Well, either The Bible is true or it is not… God wouldn’t allow a book to be written about His son it if wasn’t all true
Alyssa: Same with the Book of Mormon
Me: so are you going to stay silent in church tomorrow?
Me: because if the bible is all true you’re not allowed to speak
Me: Paul said so
Me: but you can own slaves if you want. That part must be true also
Alyssa: Jennifer, this is symbolic… in that time, women were not looked at the same as we are today
Alyssa: but, in Genesis, we read very clearly that women and men are equal
Me: what is it symbolic of exactly? You’ve said that twice now
Me: what is “women should remain silent in the churches” symbolic of?
Me: and how was the church in Paul’s time “true” if it subjugated women to a lower status?
Alyssa: think about it like this way
Alyssa: a dollar bill and 4 quarters are different, right?
Me: in material, you mean?
Me: fibers vs. metals?
Alyssa: yes
Me: but the value is the same
Alyssa: yes
Alyssa: exactly
Me: a woman who is allowed to speak in church = $1.00. a woman who cannot speak in church = $.25
Me: not the same value at all
Alyssa: no… a man and a woman have different purposes and are different gender
Alyssa: but the same in value
Me: but there aren’t certain products you can only buy with quarters, and other products you can only buy with a dollar bill. If something costs a dollar, you can use either the dollar bill or the quarters. So your analogy doesn’t work at all
Alyssa: Jennifer, I am sorry, I have to go!
Alyssa: I wish I could continue talking with you
Me: but you don’t want to
Alyssa: but, I really wish you would pray about this for yourself
Alyssa: don’t listen to me
Me: I don’t blame you. You’re probably ashamed for thinking women are less valuable than men
Alyssa: but gain a testimony for yourself
Alyssa: not at all
Me: but I think you’re just as valuable
Alyssa: women are not less valuable
Alyssa: at all
Me: I think you’re allowing MEN to tell you what your purpose should be. You sound like those women who opposed the Equal Rights Amendment because MEN told you that you didn’t need the same rights as them.
Alyssa: no, actually not.
Alyssa: being in relief society has completely helped my view of that
Me: you mean that place the women go because they’re not allowed in priesthood meeting?
Alyssa: have a great night, ok Jennifer?
Alyssa: you will be in my prayers
Me: look, if elohim is sitting on his throne in the star system kolob laughing it up with joseph smith about all these women they’re going to have sex with I say they can take the book of mormon and stick it you-know-where
Alyssa: bye Jennifer :)
Me: Adios Alyssa :):):):):)
The chat session has ended.

1 comment:

  1. I have enjoyed the chat transcripts. Keep up the good work. You have really enbiggened the role of Mormon investigator with your cromulent performances.