Thursday, December 6, 2012

Raptor Jesus Goes Shopping

Dearest Peeps,

I would be re-fucking-miss if I didn't tell you about the City Creek Center experience that I experienced.

One day right after the City Creek Center Mall just opened, I went to said mall.  I was wearing all black, yea even my manties and wife-beater were black underneath my black collared shirt and black slacks. It was badass and set the stage so that you can envision me all in black walking around that corporate atrocity making judgmental faces at everyone and everything.

After I parked in the underground "garage" that was really just a network of passageways that connected the temple to the rest of the city (It was originally installed so that the prophet could dispatch danites to murder apostates, but now the danites have been replaced with be-acned teenagers in ugly red vests waving you on to where you can park) I ascended the escalators and my immediate thought was, "Fuck me, I need a drink."

The mall was packed. Packed like a gay bathhouse full of homophobic Congressmen.

The mall was also pretty neat to look at. And let me say that again for effect.

The mall was 'pretty neat to look at.'

The 5. Billion. Dollar. Mall was 'pretty neat to look at.'

There are some water fountains for children to play and get diarrhea in. There's some tiny creeks that tinkle through the mall and sometimes you have to walk over cute little bridges to get over them. And some of the stones on the ground have tracks in them.

Tee hee. Like deer and raccoon tracks and shit. Tee hee. It's quite magical, like maybe you might go into the Disney store and there will be a deer in there yelling at the Cashier, "What the fuck do you mean you don't validate for parking???? I just spent 50 fucking dollars on princess shit for my kids who will most likely be shot by rednecks, and you can't even validate my fucking parking???"

And the cashier will respond, "I'm sorry Mr. Deer, but that's the mall's policy. Only Nordstrom's and Macy's are allowed to validate. As an employee, my parking here isn't even free."

Truly a magical place. As I wandered around, I noticed how worldly, er rather "high end," many of the shops were. Tiffany's, Michael Kors (by the way. Don't go into Michael Kors and proclaim, "Sweet! The new Mortal Kombat handbags are out!" They really fucking hate that joke in there), and the classiest of all, The Cheesecake Factory.

I waited 55 minutes to take a tour of where the world's cheesecakes are assembled; meanwhile I checked out the rest of the shops on the map. I noticed that under "Bookstores" there was "Deseret Book" and also a place called "Papyrus."

Assuming I could get an original copy of the Book of Abraham there - I ventured over and thought that I had walked into a Hallmark shop. Just Greeting Cards. With this being the Mormon Mall, I was curious if I could find a greeting card that said, "Sorry, I'm fucking your wife because god told me to." However, I didn't find that one.

After exiting, a friend texted me and asked if I would get her some "Bread of Life" because I was at the Jesus mall.

Couldn't find that either. I figured that Regular Jesus would probably want to update his image - and become hipper with a younger demographic - just like his mall would imply. So instead of searching for "Bread of Life" I looked for "Christ Cupcakes," "Son of Man Sandwiches," "Geezus Gyros," and "The Prince of Products."

Yet nothing. After all my searching, oddly enough, Jesus was no where to be found at that mall.


  1. Love it. I've been waiting for someone to review the new Shitty Creek Mall, err Center. Little known fact the screwed me up: that underground parking garage is a trap. You have to have a functional credit card to get out because there are no humans in the exit booths to take your cash. And consequently you have no privacy - you have to swipe a card to leave, leaving an e-trail of my whereabouts.

  2. Great review. When I was there I was walking along the little stream behind this a-hole in a white dress shirt who was telling some other white shirts that "this is the original City Creek that flowed through town in Brigham Young's day."