Sunday, December 2, 2012

Raptor Jesus' guide to getting women in bed (Works every time)

Occasionally I get prayers from Ex-Mormons about, "how to get [insert type of] woman into bed."

Your cries have not gone unheard, and I have decided to descend upon high to give you further light and truth regarding this matter.

Mormon women are tricky to begin with. Standard seduction techniques such as getting up in fast and testimony meeting, gyrating your hips while singing Salt-N-Peppa's "Pushit" only works 1/64th of the time.

Now as Ex-Mormons, pitching woo can be quite confusing. And where all men falter is the oratory. Women respond to verbal cues mostly, so below is a dialogue guide that is guaranteed to get any woman into bed. This approach is best done at your favorite club, bar, box social event.


Raptor Jesus: Good evening, miss.

Woman: Good evening to you too, sir.

RJ: You are looking quite well tonight.

Woman: Why thank you.

RJ: Yes, and while you look utterly ravishing, if I might be so bold as to observe that there is a tiredness to your beautiful eyes.

W: Today has been taxing for I have accomplished a great many things.

RJ: I'm sure that you have. I sensed that you were a woman of high ambition with many responsibilities. I would like to gently suggest that when you are done partaking in tonight's festivities that you retire for a full night's slumber.

W: That suggestion does sound lovely, sir. I need to be fully refreshed for the morrow. Later this evening, I will sup on Baron Von Sandman's bounty.

RJ: Indeed. I will bid you adieux until you retire to your boudoir. Good night, and let a Flock of Seagulls sing thee to thy rest.


Congratulations. Courage and wit have served thee well for thou hast gotten a woman into bed.

1 comment:

  1. ha ha, that's funny! you got me- I was expecting something dirty and sexy.