Sunday, December 23, 2012

Raptor Jesus prays to Heavenly Father about kissing daughters on the lips. (Swearing)

One morning while I was hard at work, I happened to stumble across a Facebook post that is as follows:

"My daughter ran to give daddy a hug and kiss when he came home from work. She accidentally kissed him on the lips. Dad reminded her that we kiss on lips with husbands and not daddy. Ashley replied, "But I LOVE it sooooooo much!". (Should I be worried!?!)"

One person replied with something to the effect of, "Pray about it, dumbass!"

Now, most of the ex-Mormon responses to the Facebook post turned into angry, bitter, anti-Mormons jumping into line for the great and spacious building in order to ride that elevator to Mocking Mormon Ville, population: You, you angry, bitter, iron-rod-holding-hating, bigot.

But, my heart hadn't been hardened enough by common anti-Mormon activities such as: baby-candy-misappropriation or smoking-bath-salts-and-zombie-pretending.

I knew that praying about this issue was a good idea, is my point. Even having rejected the true gospel of Jesus fucking Christ, I still vaguely remember a scripture that says, "If any of ye, lack wisdom. Expecially about smooching ye kids. Let them ax of god, who is totally kewl about explaining that shit and will make fun of ye NOT for axing."

However, I couldn't pray about it at work. While anti-Mormons are the most evil people on the planet, non-members are just slightly less evil. If I were to stop in the middle of the office and kneel in prayer, coworkers would ask what in the fuck I was doing.

Simply because they are evil.

Furthermore, if I were to tell them, "I'm praying to see if it's ok that a father kisses her daughter to show affection," they would mock the shit out of me.

Simply because they are evil.

So, I went home, ate my dinner and had several mudslides before kneeling in prayer, which I have transcribed below:

My dear, kind, Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for this day. And I'm especially grateful for all my blessings. I'm grateful for the food that I just ate. Please bless the food even though I already ate it. I know I should have said a separate blessing for the food. But I didn't, ok? This one time canst thou please bless the food in my stomach that it may nourish and strengthen my body and do the good that it needs? Pretty please. Also, please bless the hands that helped prepare it. Especially please bless the minimum wage worker (most likely a single mom), who worked at the TGIF factory that premixed my mudslide. Sure, she didn't "technically" prepare it - the robot did. BUT she was the human eyes that made sure there wasn't a dead rat in my bottle.

I'm also grateful for the evil anti-Mormons on the Recovery from Mormon message board. Their hatred and persecution of thy one true church makes it abundantly clear that thy one true church is the one true church. Persecution always makes something more true. Kind of like when a fundamentalist bombs a KFC in the middle east. I know that KFC is clearly the one true fried chicken chain and the others (Popeyes) are just Satan worshipping fried chicken chains. Why else would someone bomb a KFC unless it were true?


Anyway, now that I have sufficiently kissed thine sweeter-than-dessert-wine ass, I was wondering if it was ok for a daughter to smooch her father on the lips. Now, to be clear to thee, I'm not talking tongue. This isn't, "May I make out with my daughter?" This is, "what's the line for father-daughter physical affection."

And I know that thou art the best one to talk to about this because of thy first hand experience. Didst thou kiss Mary when thou didst fuck her? Or would that have been going "too far" and just gross?

I look forward to thine response.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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