Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Book of Mormon Part 10 (The impending Zombie Apocalypse)

The last post had some very homo erotic pictures in them and if you readers are good, you might find some more in this post.  But I'm not promising anything.  And I'm not NOT promising anything either.  Whatever that's supposed to mean.

Abinadi was imprisoned by the evil King Noah and was showing off how much god loves huge, rippling pythons wrapped around steel trees.  Abinadi might as well have been auditioning for soft core gay porn. But we already mentioned that Abinadi wasn't long for this world.  I just wanted to bring it up because I have a titillating scripture to share.

"Yea, and I will cause that they shall have burdens lashed upon their backs; and they shall be driven before like a dumb ass." Mosiah 12:5

Tee hee.  And you thought the scriptures couldn't be fun.  Shame on you.

Abinadi gets killed, but not before he's allowed by god to share the ten commandments.  And, yes, that may seem pretty weird that if god would protect someone that the last message would be the ten commandments.  But you have to remember that god is a total attention whore and the first three commandments are all about properly licking god's sticky ass.

If the death of Abinadi gets you all bothered (where the picture may have gotten you hot and bothered), don't worry.  God gets revenge eventually on king Noah.  That adult onset diabetes case gets burned to death just as what happens to Abinadi.  God loves poetic justice when he isn't just commanding absolute genocide.

Ok now what?  The title promised zombies.  Where the fuck are the zombies???

Calm down, asshole.  About half the Book of Mormon is about racism and violence, the other half is about preaching shit.  And the zombies come in the preaching parts.

Everyone is aware of the story when Jesus rose from the dead.

And some religions talk about that eventually everyone will be able to come forth as a zombie in the future.  But who?  And when?  And possibly how?

Well, the Book of Mormon has a few answers to this.  Mosiah Chapter 15 talks about having two resurrections.  That's right TWO!  That means that you have to stockpile enough weapons, ammo, and pornography to survive two fucking separate hordes of people rising from the graves to feast on the living.  Verses 21-26 talk about that the first people to try to claw their way into your poorly boarded up house will be people who loved Jesus - the king of the Zombies.  So, these people will be out for vengeance because you said some terrible things about Jesus, and he has some pretty low self esteem.  People who talk badly about him don't last too long in the scriptures, so you're pretty much fucked.  Always have at least one bullet left for yourself because those zombie hordes can be a bitch, and do you really want to go out torn apart by former fundies?  Or do you want to die with some dignity by offing yourself?

Also, don't get too attached to those neighbor kids either because verse 25 tells us that children will be part of the first resurrection.  Be ready to put those undead ankle biters down before they literally bite your ankles and you become one with the mindless horde.  It may seem rough to use your shotgun to waste rotting children, but just think back to all the times those children got in the way of your hopes, dreams, or ruined your fancy diner at the Cheesecake Factory where you were just trying to get your wife drunk enough that she'd finally give you a blowjob after 15 years of goddamn marriage and then you get a phone call that someone has been jumping up and down on the dishwasher door and that's at least $300 FUCKING DOLLARS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE RIGHT NOW!!

Boom! That's a headshot, and I'm proud of you.  Undead people aren't really people, and only the worst philosophy professor/religious type would judge you for it.

Yes, be prepared for the coming zombie apocalypse.  The Xtians may be looking forward to the day that people rise from the grave, living in an eternal state of happiness simply because eternal happiness only means a rotting frontal cortex wrapped around a living brain stem, and either killing off the unbelievers or finding a way to infect them to become the same.  Humanity will only achieve ultimate peace when everyone is exactly the same and can't think for itself.

The zombie apocalypse is our Xtian future.  The time when we will all be saved.  From our own thoughts and hence, our selves.

1 comment:

  1. Haha good post.

    Maybe after the apocalypse you could call yourself raptorzombiejesus, or raptorundeadjesus.

    Can't wait to