Thursday, March 31, 2011

The tale of Raptor Jesus's bum bum (too hot for TV!)

We will be taking a break from the retelling of the Book of Mormon for a little while.

Raptor Jesus noted that nobody is donating yet to his church!  Thanks a lot assholes.

Therefore, I have to fill in some of my back story in order to get my manuscript ready for publishing.

Because I was going to Germany for my mission, I was forced to endure two whole months of endless classes in the Missionary Training Center (MTC) filled with the sounds of other Elders farting from all the orange juice and processed meat.

(Starting off with farts - this is going to be fucking classy.)

All day long every day. Sitting on your noisy ass, listening to German lessons, "gospel" lessons, and learning how to emotionally manipulate people.

Occasionally we would get some much needed exercise with an hour of "gym time." This would be where sweaty Elders would get to play all kinds of sports. The choices were endless! Basketball or Volleyball.

Afterwards we would all strip naked and get into the shower together and frolic. Our young, virile bodies would be lathered up and the hot spray of water would wash the world's dirt from our heavily muscled bodies. At some point one of us in the District would pee on Elder Fuckwit's leg. He was a douche. Such a big douche that even the most self-righteous of the lord's army would not think twice of pissing on the back of his leg during shower time.

Fuck that guy. If I ever see him again, I won't need another MTC sanctioned shower time to give him one of my own.

After both blue and golden showers we would head back to class. Yup, every fucking day. Wake up, listen to Elder Fuckwit demand that his companion get out of bed "right this minute" while the companion tries to find a nice way of saying, "I HAVE MORNING WOOD, FUCKWIT! I'M NOT JUMPING OUT OF BED AND INTO THE SHOWER WITH A GIANT ERECTION! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU FREAK???" Then off to class, then food, then more class, then food, then more class, then food, then more class.

One morning by body had had enough. My woman swooning penis burned. Burned like some violent angel had shoved a flaming sword up my urethra. I couldn't sit down. And it felt like I had tinkle all the time. And tinkling was shudder inducingly painful. I was dribbling out molten lava from my otherwise delectable ding dong.

I was pretty sure that I had a bladder infection, but I was praying that it wasn't some kind of STD from my girlfriend whom I had fucked before going on a mission.


Anyway, I told my teacher that my delightful dingaling was broken, and I needed to see the doctor.

My companion and I went to the doctor. Her practice was on the MTC grounds, but the office looked just like any other doctor's office that had been overrun by missionaries.

And so we waited in the aptly named waiting room. And while we waited in the waiting room we happened to meet another missionary who was extremely talkative. He was going to Poland on his mission. He was very excited. His companion looked like he was going to kill himself. He had so many girls who were writing to him. How many girls did we have writing to us? Do you want to see all the hot girls that were writing to him? No? Too bad, here are some pictures.

12 maybe 14 year old girls.

My companion and I look at each other. No words were said, but we said, "What the FUCK???"

We look at his companion. The companion wordlessly says, "I know. I know. I'm with this guy for 24 hours a day EVERY day for TWO months. If you were to stab me to death with your fiery dick, I'd thank you, and god would make your 'election sure.'"

The nurse called me back to the doctor's patient room. After some more waiting per Seinfeld's stand up comedy routine, the doctor finally comes in.

What's the problem?

My dragon is spitting real fire instead of metaphorical fire.

Ok, slide your pants down, lie on the table on your side, and hug your knees to your chest.

Uh, what?

Slide your pants down, lie on the table on your side, and hug your knees to your chest.

So I'm going to...


Ok, bitch, jesus. I slide my pants down, lie on the table on my side and hug my knees to your chest, while she puts on rubber gloves.

I start to ask, so what are you...

It may have been her finger, or it may have been a giant spiked dildo being shoved up my ass. Either way, I'm pretty sure I swore.

Diagnosis: Prostatitis.

Pretty common for missionaries who aren't used to sitting on their flatulent asses for 9 hours a day. Here are some pills that will make your pee turn green blue that you'll use to pee into a Gatorade bottle, but won't be able to find any Elders that will drink it.


And what was the point of this story? Well, Raptor Jesus got fingered in the MTC by an older woman.

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