Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Book of Mormon Part 11 (Wrapping up the Book of Mosiah with a Passive Agressive Hippy Love In)

Mosiah is a big "book" in the Book of Mormon.  And we are almost done (thank god).  But don't get too antsy.  We've got the book of Alma yet, and that thing is a monster.  Luckily it doesn't have too much "new" material in it.  Pretty much just more of the same Indians are evil and lazy, and god hates dissenters, and faith is magically delicious.  And so on.  But we'll deal with that later.

For now we are going to talk about some chapters that aren't about killing in the name of god.

Chapter 25 starts off with Mosiah authorizing Alma to organize the "Church of God."

Yeah, it only took a couple hundred years for god to decide that an actual church might be nice.  Before it was just a couple of prophets ranting about what people should do, but now they need an actual organization so that each Sunday these poor people can show up with their begrudging families and be bored out of their minds.

So they get baptized to wash off all the shit they've done in their lives that god hates them for, and they now are ready to feel superior to the rest of the people, and make sure they get baptized too.

Mosiah Chapter 26: 38  "And now all these things did Alma and his fellow laborers do who were over the church, walking in all diligence, teaching the word of God in all things, suffering all manner of afflictions, being persecuted by all those who did not belong to the church of God."

This is a great scripture because it demonstrates a lot.  Nothing says religion more than being persecuted.  I mean, what the fuck is up with that?  All you are trying to do is tell everyone else that:

1.  They are evil and need to repent.

2.  You have the truth and they don't.

3. They need to do what you tell them to do.

4. God hates them.  Well, he LOVES them, but will punish them eternally for not obeying what you told them that god told your leader to tell you to tell them to do.

And they have the gall to call you names and tell you to shut the fuck up.  Those motherfuckers.  They should burn in hell forever.

Mosiah was a pretty smart ass king.  He made it illegal that "there should not any unbeliever persecute any of those who belonged to the church of God." Mosiah 27: 2.

Good, those godless assholes.  Mosiah knew about freedom of religion way before Americans knew that homosexuals were trying to destroy it.  That's why you've got to make laws.  Tell those godless, fellatious twat-lickers to leave your church the hell alone.

That's equality.

Besides what has secularism ever done for us?  Jack fucking shit.  Now pardon me for a second as I'm getting a text on my cell phone that I have to respond to.

Ok, where were we?  Oh right the church thing.  So, Mosiah spreads peace throughout the land by telling god dissenters where to shove it.  But this law doesn't stop his sons and the son of Alma (who is also called Alma) from trying to destroy the church.  They were naughty teenagers who did get upon many of the elderly's lawns and it came to pass that they also had wicked ass parties when their elders were out of town on business.  And all manner of keggers were thrown and much dry humping spread across the land.  And one of the daughters of Mosiah did give unto the people such great hand jobs freely that she became known as "handy" in fourth period English.

God wasn't too happy about people shitting on his church that he sent down an Angel to the son of Alma and told him to knock it the fuck off and to go on a mission to spread the gospel.  Let me look up the exact reference.  Acts 13: 9-12.  Wait, that was Paul.  Oh well, whatever.

Anyway, Alma realizes that he should stop being such a douche and goes with the sons of Mosiah to preach to the godless heathens so that the heathens might stop hating the Flanders, er Nephites.

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