Saturday, March 12, 2011

Book of Mormon: Part 9 Do we have to? This is sooooo boring!

Raptor Jesus is back from Hawaii.  God tried to kill me for blasphemy, but his aim is still terrible.  People accuse god of destroying shit all across the world for sinners in other parts of the world.  Usually the gays get all the blame, but the parts of the world that get destroyed have just as many gays as any other part of the world.  Sometimes no gays are even destroyed.  Sometimes it is just birds.

But let's cut god some slack.  If you were as big of a rage-ahol as he is and as drunk with power, you'd probably be a terrible shot too.  So once again tragedy has struck the world and it's just a matter of time before some one reminds us that god killed all those innocent people and devastated lives because of some other people somewhere else were doing something that god doesn't quite approve of.

What else is new?

The place that we left off in the Book of Mormon--that's what's new!  Hooray!  Maybe we'll get to a place where the American Indians aren't being called names by god, but let's not count our lazy Lamanites before they sin.

King Benjamin just gave his enfeebled speech about being gay for Jesus while being enfeebled.  I would be remiss to leave this without telling you that some smart mouthed "so called intellectuals" think that King Benjamin's speech was cribbed by a Bishop M'Kendree.  But what would "so called intellectuals" know?  If they were real intellectuals, they wouldn't be "so called."  They would just BE intellectuals.

But that's not what we're here for.  We're here to have Raptor Jesus read the Book of Mormon for us, and then give us the highlights!

Ok, kick this shit into high gear, General Raptor!

King Benjamin lets his son Mosiah reign as a king.  And Mosiah made it reign!  He made that motherfucker reign so hard that he was curious about some other peeps in his house of reign, so he sends his wing man Ammon and Ammon's entourage to this place called Nephi-Lehi where this dude named Limhi is king.  Now Limhi doesn't know about Ammon and friends, so he puts the group in prison.  But then once he learns who Ammon is, HE LETS HIM GO.

HOLY SHITBALLS!!! See Limhi's people are enslaved by those dirty, dirt worshiping Lamanites, and Limhi is too useless to do anything about it himself, so he needs Ammon and his party to take care of it for him.  Now at this point you might be saying, "I swear to god, I've played this side quest in EVERY FUCKING ROLE PLAYING GAME EVER!" but remember that this was written BEFORE any Dungeon and Dragons derivative game that you've ever played.  So, maybe be a little thankful, ok? You ungrateful sack of giraffe vomit.

But, before Ammon gets to go, Limhi tells him a story of a prophet named Abinadi who went to the Lamanite King of the time and preached some heavy Jesus shit.  And the Lamanite King (Noah) wasn't too happy about this.  This little sub plot may be quickly overlooked.  But not to Mormons because of this one picture of the scene that gets shown in Sunday School whenever the topic is brought up:

FUCK ME!  Did you see that?  Sweet god, what a fucking buff old guy.  Abinadi has two tickets to the gun show, are you going with him?  Or are you just going to stay at home and diddle your private places to this picture?  I know I'm having a hard time deciding.

And look at King Noah.  What a fat ass.  You know he's a piece of shit because he's obese and has a dark beard.  Although the way he's stroking his beard, it might be to keep his mind off how good Abinadi looks without a shirt.  Whew!!!  Even those chained up jaguars are threatened by that taught delectable man meat in front of them.

If Abinadi didn't have such an important message of Jesus, you know that Abinadi would just flex and break right through those chains as if they were made of pasta.

Abinadi's love for HGH was for naught though.  He was put to death.  Oh, well.  I guess that's what you get for saying a bunch of shit about Jesus and trying to tell people how to live without any actual proof.

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