Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Doing work for the dead...Mormons

Mormon doctrine is quite clear that all peeps great or small must done have their work did.  So that's why Mormons go to the temple all the goddamn time.  Once they have been baptized, washed and anointed, endowed, and if they aren't too hideous sealed to an eternal companion, these things have to be done for every other homo...sapien that has ever roamed the earth.

This is why they call it "work for the dead."  They have a living person perform the super secret super sacred super special ordinance for a dead person by proxy.  Mormon belief is that this allows the dead person a choice in the aaaaaaaaaaffterrlife (oooooooooooo! spooky) to accept these ordinances and then be able to be given exaltation.  Because only Mormons who have had these ordinances can live with god the father again for eternity and also their families and still have children.

Mormons have done work for lots of dead people and some people find this offensive.  Work has been done for regular Jesus, Hitler, and those who weren't fortunate to survive the Holocaust (which if they all accepted the ordinances might be very awkward for everyone else in "heaven.")

So, some people have cried like little whiny bitches about this practice.  And many Mormons have responded that this practice is for the dead people's own good and that it is a CHOICE for them to accept the ordinances.

And that's fine, so I propose that we start doing "work for the dead" Mormons.  I think we should perform Satanic rituals pledging dead Mormon's souls to the lord of the dirty dance - Satan.  We could have such ordinances of baptism by blood.  Washing and anointing with semen and Sodomy for the Dead.

And we'll be fair about it.  This is all about CHOICE.  We will do this so that families can choose to spend eternity in hell together.  They don't have to.  But we are doing them a favor by keeping their options open.

1 comment:

  1. Options are always better. Heaven or Hell, now they can choose. Great idea...