Sunday, January 30, 2011

Mormonism and Science

Mormonism makes it very clear that they have the answers to the big three questions in life.

Who are we?

Where do we come from?

Where are we going?

Unfortunately these answers are just not true because Mormonism is just not true. We were taught that we are literal sons and daughters of god from a Heavenly Mother and a Heavenly Father, that some of us were awesome enough to have helped create this world when living in the pre-existence. That we chose righteousness when Satan was being a douche and started a war in heaven, and we are being teased here on Earth until we die-- teased like god teased Moses in the dessert for forty years. (Forty year dessert must have been tasty). Also, that we can live with heavenly father and jesus again if we pay a lot of money and clean a lot of church toilets.

When the bottom comes out of Mormonism, lots of peeps are curious as to the answers to these questions that they no longer have. And because Mormonism is pretty good at telling folks not to pay attention in science class (and because science class is sadly sadly lacking in America anyway), people are left wondering what in the fuck do they do now.

Religion has always been there to sell these answers, but science has done a pretty good job at answering two out of three. For everyone who is bored or pretending to work, I'll give a quick raptorjesus rendition of what we know so far. (And I won't even charge for that. Boy am I waaaaay better than that other Jesus?)

1. Who are we?

We are apes. Yes, it is disgusting, but tough shit, we are apes. We are first mammals (ladies got the great boobies), but we evolved along with other apes from an "ape-like-ancestor." Chimps are our closest genetic relatives, and gorillas our next closest. If you don't believe me, go teach Jr. High for a couple of years. We are slightly less hairy monkeys that think a little more, masturbate a little less (only a little), but still throw our shit around when threatened. (This board is proof of that).
But are we still children of god? The most honest answer anyone will ever give you is that nobody knows. Nobody knows who or what god is for sure-- science doesn't know. And no religion knows either. People believe, but anyone who tells you that they know is fucking lying to you and only wants your money and your obedience. Everyone who reads this board gets that now, and it's a painful lesson to learn.

2. Where did we come from?

We are star dust. It sounds really cheesy, but it is true. If you don't like thinking that we are apes, then think about being star dust-- then think about unicorns and bedazzling your levi jacket. All of the elements that we are made from came from the stars. The universe is mostly hydrogen and helium. These simple elements are the fuel source for all of the stars. As fusion takes place to keep the stars twinkling and wish-upon-able-- heavier elements are made. When a large star dies and erupts in a super nova, even heavier elements are made. These elements are then scattered throughout the universe eventually to re form into second generation stars and planets. Our planet was formed from the corpses of previous stars and allowed for important elements like iron, carbon, nitrogen, etc.
Our planet is around 4.5 to 4.6 billion years old and fit right into place where it was able to have the correct conditions for life. Life took awhile to come about, but about 3 billion years ago, it did. Science is still trying to exactly describe this process-- it is a field called "abiogenesis." It is where inorganic matter turned into simple "organic matter."
Once organic matter began and the matter was able to replicate itself, a great thing called natural selection came into play. Duplication of "traits" that were beneficial to survival in a given environment were more likely to succeed and be passed on. These traits that were passed on could be built upon and built upon given the needs to survive in any given environment. This was the start of evolution. All of life came from this start.

As cheesy as it is, we are all star dust, and all life on this planet is connected. Everything living goes back to the "primordial soup" and everything living and non living goes back to the early stars, and all of those go back to the Big Bang. So, the next time you get sick with the stomach flu just hug those little viruses and say, "thanks, little brothers."

A lot of books exist on these subjects for reference depending on which topic interests a person. Astrophysics deals with the stars and how humans know about the Big Bang, our connection to "dead" stars, and the formation of the planets. Abiogenesis deals with the formation of life, and Evolution and Biology deals with how we get the life that is here now 3 billion years after life began in the first place.

The last question is still where no one has a good answer.
3) Where are we going?

If taken in the context of the usual, "what happens when I corpse out?" Again, no one knows. People have compounded a lot of "near death experiences" but that's not the same thing as discovering the actual dimension where dead people hang out, or tying a rope around one's waist to go into the closet to find the little girl who got lost in the dead people's waiting room after a storm and now only can speak to the living through the television. But when you do go in the closet to pull her out covered in strawberry jelly, you also find a giant demon head that will later manifest itself as a big skeletal praying mantis or a giant vagina with a long tongue.
Anyway, the point being, we don't know what happens when we die. Maybe we just rot in the ground until that glorious day when we can arise to feast on the flesh of the living. Maybe I'll be in a "spirit world" where I can make fun of everyone who died before the 1980's and never got to play video games. I don't know. But the point is that you don't know, and your stupid still religious friends don't know either. They can pretend like they know all they want, and can invite me to watch The Passion with them to guilt me into doing what they say, but when we watch the Passion and I just laugh through it, everyone gets uncomfortable--but did they think about that? No, they didn't.

Some of the topics today that weren't references to movies can be difficult to grasp. Some of the topics require a person to finally throw their scriptures in the dumpster where they belong and pick up a science book. Or better yet, go back to college where you can get a degree in a field. But not one of those online colleges where you can get your PhD in "ghost hunting" in less than six months. Ok, I can see your "degree" on your mantle and that the school was clearly not accredited. Fuck you, I'm not calling you Dr. for attending the school for "kids who can't read good and want to learn how to do other stuff good too" ok?

The internet has some good information on topics, but it also has some shit. Youtube videos are nice because they are fast, but for every good, informative video, you can still find one about intelligent design that is disingenuous and you'd be better off just watching the video where the panda bear sneezes and scares his mom. That thing is just too precious, and that panda was made from star dust too.

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