Sunday, January 30, 2011

Trust Jesus

The other day while I was driving home from work, I passed a teenager who was holding a giant sign that said, "Trust Jesus."

Now when I see signs like this, a lot of things go through my head. The first one of course being, "What the fuck? That sign forgot the 'Raptor.'"

But after realizing that the kid purposely left the "Raptor" off the sign, I thought, "How odd."

And a human billboard for Jesus is odd. Normally this kind of thing is relegated to teens who are trying to let me know that Hot and Ready Pizzas are only $5 just around the corner. Or that there is a sexy car-wash going on to help raise money for some school shit.

But here was a kid that took time out of his busy day of not masturbating to let me know that I should "Trust Jesus."

Now, I know that his not quite fully developed brain thought that there was power in this vague statement. That somehow the simplicity of a two word imperative sentence would be paradoxically deep enough to shake me from my unbelief.

Oh how that ring pledged virgin was wrong.

I was confused by the statement. "Trust Jesus." Ok. "Trust Jesus." Ok, with what?

Everything? I know some fundies would say, "Yes, now you understand the Power of the Jesus."

But that doesn't quite make sense though in real life.

I mean, no matter how many times I hear that semi-inbred hillbilly warble, "Jesus take the wheel" that shit doesn't work. If I had 'trusted Jesus' to get me home safely and let go, not only would I be dead, but most likely so would the driver who was coming right at me.

Oh, but I've been told all my life that that would be "tempting Jesus" with that kind of shenanigans. And apparently somewhere in the bible it says that thou shalt not tempt the lord thy god. I think the verse is somewhere around where god says that he hates gays and lobsters equally.

Tempt god? That's an interesting phrase. As if god is this giant middle-aged, depressed single woman with diabetes, and I just walked into the room with a huge ass chocolate cake saying, "Who wants some?"

I've also been told Jesus helps those who help themselves. Well, that's quite convenient for Jesus isn't it. So I could do all of the work and Jesus would then help with what exactly? I just did all of the work. I just helped myself. That sounds like a great cop-out. Again try it in real life.

"Bill can you help me with this TPS report?"

"Gee, Fred, I don't know. I kind of help people who help themselves."

"Ok, Bill. Why don't I help myself to firing your fucking ass? And then you can say that you helped too?"

The other thing about this sign that really got my edible panties in a sweaty ball of potassium benzoate is that this "sign tactic" is the same kind of thinking that TSCC uses all the time.

Is there really any difference to, "if I hold a big sign of 'Trust Jesus' long enough, people will feel the throbbing, rhythmic power Christ's love and know him," and, "if you Elder's will stop wiggling your ding dongs, and Sisters stop pretending to play DJ Hero with your hoo hoos, more 'investigators' will feel the sweet warmth of the Holy Spirit all over their chests and convert to the One True Church."?

No, I don't think there is a difference.

So what now?

Well, I don't know I kind of lost track of the point I was going to make because I'm hungry.

I guess if this story had a "moral" or a "bottom line" you know one after we've accounted for depreciation, operating expenses, and taxes it would be:

Don't hold signs on the side of the road. People will just drive by and think, "Huh, what a tool."

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