Raptor Jesus in Hawaii.

Let's take a quick break from the Book of Mormon because I ain't by me scriptures, and I be in Hawaii.

Mrs. Raptor Jesus (MRJ) and I aren't extremely familiar with the islands because I've only been here once and she hasn't been here at all.  The last time I was here was right after I graduated from High School and the most vivid memory was sitting in a hot tub and having my Mormon beliefs berated by a Southern Baptist.

Now I have jettisoned my Mormon beliefs but my philosophy remains the same.  Whatever you believe, you do NOT EVER have to take shit from a Southern Baptist.  Seriously the stupid shit they believe in is at least as asinine as the shit you believe in--if not worse.  You're most likely being berated by a dipshit who believes that every bible story happened literally, and also doesn't even know one one hundredth of the bible stories either.  He just KNOWS that they literally happened.  A twat for brains that will deny right to your face a contradiction in the bible that you point out to him, but in the same breath will tell you that you believe in "magic." And "that's crap!"

Ok, whatever douche.  Have fun acting just as superior to the rest of the world because you KNOW you've been "saved" just as every true believing Mormon acts superior because they KNOW that they are in the ONE TRUE CHURCH.

But we aren't here to discuss that.  That was just a setup for the real story.

Mrs. Raptor Jesus and I needed to know where we could get something to eat, and we aren't typical Americans.  And by that I mean that we don't go to foreign places to eat at chain restaurants.  We don't fly across the ocean and then say, "Oh thank god! There's a Red Lobster here."

No.  We want to go to where good local food is served.  But we were unaware of where that might be.  So we decided to check with the concierge because that would be an appropriate person to ax.

Something was amiss with this particular concierge.  We sat at his desk, and he lazily axed, "HowareyouwhatcanIdoforyou?"

Us: Ok, we just want to know where we should go for dinner tonight.  We kind of want just some suggestions about local food.

Him: Pffffffffffffff.  Weeeeeeeell, food, huh?

Us: Uh, yeah.

Him: Where are you guys from?

Us: California


Him (pulls out a map of the island):  California? Well, right here is the mall.  There's lots of food there.  There's like a California Pizza Kitchen there, and Bubba Gump's Shrimp.

Us: Ok?...........How about local stuff?  Like, not chains we could eat at in California.

Him:  I guess there's also here. (Draws a big circle encompassing a half mile radius).  This is the other shopping district and international shopping district too.  The whole place is just restaurant after restaurant.  I'm sure there's some good stuff there.

Us (getting up): Ok, thanks we guess.

We did end up going to the international market and getting local food there along with some new clothes that we bartered down to almost nothing.  But the locals had their revenge when the diarrhea hit.