Saturday, February 26, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 8: What the fuck kind of State of the Union Address is that?

Ok, I'll be honest.  I've been avoiding this post.  Like I mentioned before.  It's gonna get real Christ-y around here.

So let's just muscle through this shit together.

King Benjamin is about to corpse out, and he wants to give a farewell address to his stupid peasants.  So he has them all come to the temple to see his enfeebled saggy ass.  Mosiah 2: 5-7 talks about how everyone was so excited to see him that they pitched many tents.  Lots and lots of tents were pitched.  So many that King Benjamin saw all of their pitched tents and "erected a tower" of his own.

Now I know a thing or two about many pitched tents.  8th grade science class was a very rough class.  Like clockwork and without any kind of explanation I would either pitch a tent or erect a tower.  Luckily I had been given a pamphlet earlier in 6th grade that had warned me about this, so I wasn't too freaked out about it.

Back to Benny boy.  Now that everyone was comfortable, the king gives his speech.  He decides that instead of mapping out the future of the nation (other than telling people that Mosiah will be the next king.  And I know that these people are peasants, but are they really THAT stupid?  I think they've figured out that when the king dies, his fucking piece of shit son will be the next ruler), King Ben just preaches Jesus to them the whole damn time.  So, I guess the moral of the story is that if you aren't happy with the Christian right in America, just know that it could be soooooo much worse.

"So, Raptor Jesus, do you want to give us the highlights like a shitty political pundit at the end of any Presidential speech ever?"

Sure, let's move quickly.

Mosiah 2: 17

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."

Ok, I already gave a subtle sex joke about this principle, so here's a not so subtle "joke."  When ye are blowing your fellow beings, ye are only blowing god.


Mosiah 2:22

"And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you."

Other than that I was unaware that prosper could be used as a verb like THAT, I want to bring this scripture up because it is a central theme to the Book of Mormon.  The BoM talks over and over and over and over again about the rise and fall of nations.  The thesis is that if nations keep god's commandments, they prosper, and if they don't they fail.  So, expect more of this kind of shit as we move forward.

Mosiah chapter 3 talks about Christ's blood.  His blood is mentioned so much that you'd think Benjamin was a vampire (or even kewler, a vampyre!).  His point is that Christ's blood has super powers like Wolverine's blood or the Cheerleader from Heroes (if anyone even remembers that reference at this point.  That poor show.  Started so good--then turned to dog shit.  They must not have kept god's commandments).

But the scripture that takes the cake is this: Mosiah 3: 19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and well be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ...." and whatever for the rest of it.

This scripture is one of those things were it may seem "profound" at first until you think about it for more than 2 seconds.  Then the fucktardtittieness of it all hits you right in the face.

REALLY??? The "natural man is an enemy to god???"  God made his own worst enemy and then punishes them for making them that way.  What a fucking cocksmith.  Really, plus what does "natural man" even mean?

Eating, drinking, and shitting is completely  Well, even though the scriptures decided not to define this further, the Mormon leaders are more than happy to step in and tell you that whatever is "natural and bad" like masturbation to whatever doesn't fall under this scripture's jurisdiction like eating or shitting.

Of course this scripture gets really convoluted because religious fuckwits always say stupid things like, "homosexuality isn't natural."  Ok, well according to this scripture--that's a good thing and we should all enjoy a good sodomizing (or scissoring for the ladies).  And this kind of godly act would be a great service, yea, we would only be sodomizing/scissoring god.

I'm sure you can think of plenty of other examples of how stupid this scripture is.  So we will close with this.

Benjamin's address ends saying that when we finally cum all over Jesus, we become his "Sons and Daughters."

Yeah, you thought it was messed up before.  Well, there you go.

1 comment:

  1. Reading this was like therapy for me, only without the talking about my feelings.

    This was LAUGH therapy. So THANKS!