Thursday, April 28, 2011

The anti-climactic second piece to the trilogy of the endowment ceremony.

Many Mormon temples really have two entrances.  Once you go through the main entrance you are greeted by Mormon "bouncers."  Then you are sifted into "haves" and "have nots."  Thems that "haves" theys temple reccomends get to truly enter the temple.  Thems that have nots theys recommends get the immense pleasure of going to the waiting area where they can reflect on why god thinks they are such pieces of shit that they can't see their Mormon loved ones get married or whatever.  The holy ghost should be in the waiting room telling everyone that if they wanted to be in the temple they should be baptized Mormon and then give the church 10% of their income, but those kinds of conversions are rare probably because the holy ghost is too busy fleeing rock concerts  and escaping from Mormon hearts as they pay for online porn.

I used the term "bouncers" in quotes because the temple workers who take your recommend and check for both signatures and then scan it are usually about two smelly breaths away from corpsing out.  Mormon folklore has stories about "invisible angel warriors" guarding the entrances to the temple, and believe me, they would need it.  You could one handed push the "bouncers" to the ground and listen as both hips crack and watch the stretched parchment of skin rip open.

Once I passed through "security," I went to the clothes counter to pick up some "temple clothes."  People can either buy their temple clothes and bring them, or they can rent them from the temple.  I hadn't purchased my temple clothes yet so I gave the money changer some money, and she gave me some white pants, white socks, white slippers, and the temple "priesthood packet."  This packet is what I would need for the endowment ceremony and I peeked inside of it because I wasn't sure what it contained.

The packet holds a white robe with a hell of a lot of pleating, a white sash, a green apron with embroidery that makes it look as if it had been made from leaves, and a white hat that looks like a "bakers" hat.  Not a tall, french chef's hat, but a flat square one.  This was odd, but I had seen the clothing before when my great grandfathers had died.  Mormons are buried in their temple clothing because when the zombie apocalypse comes, they want to make sure that everyone knows that they are Mormons.  So, take this as advice for the zombie apocalypse.  When you are trying to survive, don't let the odd clothing throw you off - double tap that zombie.  If you get distracted by odd clothing, YOU WILL BE BITTEN.  And then your family members are going to have to cry before putting an ax through your skull.  And no one wants that.

Because it was my first time going through the endowment ceremony I was given a special tag to put on my white shirt to show that I was a newbie and going through for the first time.  It also allowed the other temple workers to be more patient with you because you didn't know what in the fuck was going on, or where in the fuck you were supposed to go.  At the clothing renting counter I was also given the "shield" which was more of just a big white poncho.  This would help me through the first part of the "endowment" process.  The "washing and anointing."

I was shown to the men's locker room area where I could get naked, put my shit in a locker, and then put on my white poncho.  The lockers came with keys because Mormons may be the best people in the world for joining the only true church in the world, but that won't stop them from stealing all of your shit in god's house.

I was then escorted to the place where I would be "washed and anointed," while I tried to keep my poncho from opening and letting everyone else feel inadequate because of my giant cock.

The place was a room that had a lot of smaller "cubicles" where the walls were just hung white sheets.  I entered one of the small white cubicles where another male temple worker who was about to bite the dust was going to perform the "ceremony."

The poncho came in handy because the ceremony first consisted of the worker lightly going across certain body parts with water while talking about being clean or some shit.  None of it was sexual, but it also warranted me being naked when dealing with my "bowels" and "loins."  After the "washing" came the "anointing" where olive oil was used to go over the same parts of my body while the worker talked about promises that god was going to make about me becoming a "priest, king, and god upon the condition of my faithfulness."

After this ceremony, I was taken back to the locker where I was now allowed to put on the "garments of the hoooooooooooooooooooly Melchizedek priesthood" as my man panties and then put on my white shirt, white pants, white tie, white socks, and white slippers on over top of them.

While the garments come in different styles they are all white (unless you are military or Donny Osmond), but the common factor is that they have three unique markings on them.  On the right knee there is stitching that is a simple, horizontal line.  On the left bitch tit is a "V" and on the right is an "L" if you were to look at it in the mirror.  I had been instructed that at the end of the "endowment" ceremony, I would come to understand the symbolism of these markings.

Once fully clothed and with my "priesthood packet" in hand, it was time for me to get my "new name" and then go through the rest of the "endowment ceremony."

I was a little shaken up at this point simply because I didn't know what the fuck was going on, but I was trying to pretend that I was a squire who was about to be knighted.  And that made me feel AWESOME.

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