Monday, April 18, 2011

Catholic vs. Raptorian

Over the last couple of days, the I have witnessed quite a few debates on which religion is the bestest in all of the land. Apparently none of the people arguing are 14 year old farm boy/treasure seekers who have big enough peep stones to just ask god and regular Jesus directly.

And if you have, it probably came as no surprise that god and regular Jesus may have burned your bosom, but no one had a vision where eventually one of the versions of the vision was that god and regular Jesus told you that every other church sucked, and you should start your own.

Being a deity, I already knew that. I have my own church, and that part is awesome. However, getting many followers is tricky. The marketplace of spiritual ideas is overcrowded to say the least.

My church is totally cool, and I only require money. Kiss my ass, don't kiss my ass, as long as you are donating money, that's all I require. And I'm at least HONEST about the money part. I need and want money. YOUR money. And I promise you NOTHING tangible in return.

See? Isn't that at least refreshing? But I haven't gotten a billion followers like Catholicism. What am I doing wrong?

Regular Jesus told people that if they put certain parts of his body in their mouths, his spirit would come inside of them.

I've tried telling people that, and I just get arrested. What the fuck is up with that?

Maybe it's because I need to hand out free wine samples and nilla wafers as if people are at Costco on a Saturday.

Or maybe it's because my church doesn't have a "service" where everyone plays the game of Simon Says.

Simon Says, "standup." Now Simon Says, "sit down." Now Simon Says, "sing this song." Now Simon Says, "shut the fuck up."

If only I could get an emperor to convert and then spread my gospel through blood and fire. That's what I'm missing!

Anyone know any good emperors? Preferably ones who have just:

1. Recently moved
2. Recently had a death in the family
3. Are in any kind of emotional distress

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