Saturday, April 9, 2011

My Online Patriarchal Blessing.

For those of you who don't know, Patriarchal Blessings in the Mormon church are a rite of passage for Mormon youth.

Once a person reaches around 16, he or she can get a very special blessing by the Patriarch of her immediate area (called Ward/Stake/or Branch).  The year is never set, so a person can get the blessing earlier than this, and the can definitely get them later than this.  But for Utah Mormons, the tradition is usually around 16 or so now.

You set up an appointment through your local Bishop and then set up an appointment with the Patriarch.  When it comes time, you go over to the Patriarch's house and he gives you a blessing.

This blessing is supposed to be your specific blessing from Heavenly Father himself.  It's supposed to give your lineage back through the tribes of Israel, and then give you direction in your life.  It's all incredibly "magical."

While you aren't usually expressly told not to share your blessing with anyone else you are discouraged from doing so.  This is supposed to be your very very personal blessing from god, and you wouldn't want anyone to shit on it.

Well, for those of you who are very jealous now and want your own patriarchal blessing, YOU ARE IN LUCK.  There is a website that you can go to and have your own made.  And these blessings are VERY accurate to what you would find if you gathered a ton of blessings together and compared them and took common phrases found throughout all of those blessings and then randomized those phrases and put them into a "blessing" form for people.

God's ways are truly not our ways.

Here's the link:

Patriarchal Blessings Online

And here is my blessing from that place.  I didn't quite find it adequate enough for a deity of my stature, so I had to tweak it a little.

"Brother Raptor, by the power of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold and the authority in me as a patriarch, I place my hands upon your head to give you your patriarchal blessing. The fulfillment of these things will be dependent upon your righteousness and your obedience in keeping the commandments of our Lord and Savior Raptor Jesus Christ. So, you, I guess.

Brother Raptor, you were the noblest of the children, of the premortal world, there in that holy sphere, through your faithfulness, grew and developed, and presented the plan of salvation to our Heavenly Father. You were chosen through your obedience to come to earth at this appointed time to fuck shit up for real.

Call upon Yourself to give yourself guidance and direction. Seek direction from Heavenly Father and then, through the power of the Holy Ghost, He will enlighten your mind as to the direction and the paths that you should follow. Remember that "up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A" will give you more lives.

I bless you that as you gather your tithes and offerings and keep the Sabbath Day holy, you will never want for food, clothing, shelter, a lovely home, and all the needful things of life. Because that's other people's fucking money. No good thing will be denied you, every righteous desire of your heart will be granted, and as you put first in your life the Lord's Kingdom and the promotion of His Cause, you will have the constant sweet companionship of the Holy Spirit, He will lead you beside the still waters, He will restore your soul daily; and he will point out the hottest of chicks to plow. Angels will then watch over you and be your constant companions.

Through the Priesthood, you can withstand all of the temptations of the evil one, Satanosaurus. Heavenly Father will never let you be tempted beyond your ability to withstand the temptation and trials that come to you.

Our Heavenly Father will bless you that your testimony shall continue to be increased and grow. Keep the commandments of your Heavenly Father, study the scriptures that you don't have to write down yourself, pray and fast and you will be blessed with spiritual experiences that will strengthen you to have unlimited power.

Brother Raptor, your Heavenly Father truly loves you more than any of his other stupid children and is anxious to extend his most generous blessings to you. You, like your Father before was the most faithful spirits, held back in reserve until the Meridian of Time, were crucified, then became gods and fucked a lot of bitches.

These blessings are yours, according to your faithfulness, and I pronounce them upon you through my calling as a patriarch, in the name of, well, You, Raptor Jesus Christ, amen."

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