My forced deepthroating revealed nothing major. I had acid reflux, but that was not the cause of the debilitating pain that I was in the hospital for. More tests were ordered.
My mission president stopped by to assure me that everything was awesome. What an honor! It was like your boss's boss's boss come to drop in on you in the hospital. That kind of thing isn't even important enough to be on his radar, but how cool is that is what my companion reminded me. My mission president was there to let me know that German doctors were the tits so there was nothing to worry about. They were going to get me back out doing the lord's work in no time. Everything was fine, don't worry. The church was taking great care of me. There's no need to even call home, so don't worry about that. However, don't call anything that I'm getting "surgery." They are only procedures. Surgery is something that usually only happens to missionaries after they are sent home. And fuck, we can't have me being sent home early. It's very hard to come back to Europe after being sent home for surgery. What a lucky, lucky boy I was to be able to come into the hospital with great doctors and get a few quick procedures to get me back out working as quickly as possible.
I asked if my companion should get some things for me for my stay. What, why? You won't be here very long at all, that's not necessary. You can go without for a little while. Maybe even "grow a beard."
My companion thought THIS was really funny. My mission president joked that I could "grow a beard" in the hospital during my stay. Ha Ha Ha. He thought that was sooo damn funny. A missionary with a beard in the hospital? Tee-fucking-hee! What was this, "Scrubs?" Haha! Order my companion a side stitching "procedure" because he has just split his goddamn sides from laughter at a missionary with a beard.
They left, and I was alone. The lead doctor came in with his entourage to let me know about the next procedure. He spoke, and "my" doctor translated.
I was going to have a "laparoscopy" because the theory was that my intestines were being constricted with scar tissue. I had had an appendectomy years earlier, scar tissue had built up around my abdomen and was fucking with my intestines. The laparascope could go in and clean up the cobwebs and have me feeling better lickity clits.
That was the theory at least, so that night, they shoved some goo up my ass to clean out my system and shaved part of my pubes in preparation for the "procedure." This time I was at least under all the way and woke up to a large bandage across my tummy and for some reason I was wearing these tight, completely see-through, mesh panties along with knee high white stockings. I guess that's what you wear when you have surgery in Germany. No one leaves without being dressed like a naughty school girl. Time had been difficult to gauge, but I woke up in the middle of the night. A very pretty, young nurse came in to check on my bandages.
I watched her eyes as she lifted up my "gown" and looked at my stomach. She checked under the bandages to make sure there wasn't any blood. And I watched her eyes as she checked the contents of my see through mesh panties before lowering the bottom of my gown.
The only thought that ran through my head was, "No. Not now. It's cold in here."