Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Book of Mormon: Part 2 (God the ultimate party pooper)

Last time we left off Nephi had one some free tickets on a boat ride and took his family and T-Pain on a trip.

Tonight, we are going to back up slightly and talk about some of the acid trips that Nephi had before moving on with the plot because this vision is paramount to understanding Mormonism.  If you really want to know why your Mormon friends and family members are joyless automatons who are gay for god-- this vision gives some great insight.

One night after huffing some glue or some shit Nephi (and his father Lehi saw the same thing.  Shared dreaming isn't just for that awesome movie Inception, it's also in scriptures. Awesome like early 90's Blossom!) has this dream where he sees a straight and narrow path, an iron rod next to the path, and mists of darkness most everywhere else.  Nephi sees that the straight and narrow path leads to a big ass tree with big ass fruit.  He also sees that amidst the mist there's a "great and spacious building" where a lot of people are having a kick ass party.

Now if you read your bible (and I only recommend reading it for English Lit classes.  Seriously, that thing is useless other than understanding allusions.), you'll notice that Jesus often taught in parables.  He taught in cutesy little stories that usually contained a "deeper" meaning.  After most of his story times, the disciples would usually approach Jesus and ax, "What the fuck were you talking about, man?"  Then Jesus would tell them, "Well, Aslan is me and Narnia represents a cheap imitation of Middle Earth."

 Nephi didn't understand what his dream meant either, so he had to ax about it.  Turns out that the straight and narrow path was the way to get back to god, and the iron rod was the scriptures and the tree was the tree of eternal life and the mists of darkness was all of the ways Satan can deceive a motherfucker and the kick ass party was a kick ass party.

In Mormon Sunday School and Seminary and countless Devotionals and Firesides, and Youth Conferences and General Conferences, etc., etc., etc., this vision is retold over and over and over again.  In order to get eternal life, you have to hold onto the iron rod and walk the straight and narrow path avoiding the mists of darkness and all big buildings having fun parties.  Your existence is to stroke god's rod until you get to stand in front of his mighty wood and partake of his juicy juicy fruit.

Now of course Nephi was itching to handle that rod and get the sweet eternal nectar all down his chin and chest, but he noticed that Laman and Lemuel would rather be partying like it was 1999 or whatever the equivalent would be today (some kind of reference to Katy Perry, Kei$ha, or Lady Gaga if she isn't already dead in a gutter somewhere).

This made Nephi sad, and whatever made Nephi sad is supposed to make Mormons sad.  Mormons aren't supposed to party when they could be servicing god for eternity.  So the next time you've got a wild celebration going and your Mormon friends are uncomfortable attending, just tell them, "I understand.  You keep a tight hold of god's iron hard rod.  I know he likes it that way."

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