Saturday, February 19, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 4 (You gotta read the fine print on those abominations)

We are pretty much done with the first two books of Nephi.  I'll mention two quick scriptures in passing.

The first: 1Nephi 14: 10

"And he (an angel of the lord) said unto me (Nephi): Behold, there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth."

Wow.  Yup.  Pretty black and white.  Either your in god's church, or you are inside the whore of all the earth.  And she has one giant, festering vagina.

Don't fret too much though.  The church of the Lamb of God is bad ass.  All you have to do is listen to their albums, go to a show when they come in town, and buy a goddamn t-shirt.

Here' the link.  You're welcome.

The other scripture: 2Nephi 29: 9

"For I command all men, both in the east and in the west, and in the north, and in the south, and in the islands of the sea, that they shall write the words which I speak unto them; for out of the books which shall be written I will judge the world, every man according to their works, according to that which is written."

If anything is true, this would actually be it.  Of course you have to ignore the context of the scripture because it means that scripture is being written all over the world, specifically other books of Mormon (oddly none of those have ever surfaced.  Nor is anyone in the upper administration of Mormondom even looking for them.  You think that would be important, but building $4billion malls takes up too much time I guess.), and you have to ignore the part where only men write books.

But if god were to judge us for anything it would be what we as a species have written down.  The knowledge that we've gained and passed on.

Enough of the books of Nephi.  Let's talk about the book of Jacob: He's got 99 problems but multiple bitches ain't one.

Jacob talks a lot about women.  He's one of those men who loves to tell women what the god (who is also a man) loves and doesn't love about women.  And that's the tradition that religion has kept forever.  Men telling women what god likes and doesn't like about them.  You'd think at some point god might just tell women himself that, but that would be cheating.  You need a chain to be part of god's chain of command.

God tells Jacob to tell everyone that god "delights in the chastity of women."  (Jacob 2: 20-33) Ok.  Whatever.  God popped Mary's cherry, so he probably knows what he's talking about when you can wreck a hymen.  God also says this, "This people begin to wax in iniquity; they understand not the scriptures, for they seek to excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son.  Behold David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord....For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none;" (Jacob 2: 23, 24, 27).

All right, so god hates plural marriage.  It is an abomination just like homosexuality, lobsters, footballs, and unruly teenagers.  But wait.  Didn't Joseph Smith and Brigham Young have a bunch of wives?

Well, FIRST of ALL, Joseph Smith may not have had more than one wife.  I was never taught that in Sunday School.  But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and check.....


Ok, it looks like he did.  I looked into the LDS Church's genealogical site and Joseph had around 34 wives give or take.  Hmmmm, and  10 of them were under the age of 20 when he married them, and 11 had husbands.  That's weird.  Those husbands sound familiar.

Those guys were all sent on missions by Joseph around the time that he married the women.  Hmmm.  Ok, well you learn something new every day.

Oh, and a lot of these wives were passed onto Brigham Young after Joseph died like an inheritance.  Well, you usually only see that kind of thing with possessions, not necessarily people.  I don't think that Mormonism teaches that wives are possessions.....

....Oh wait....hold on...I think they do.

Gordon B. Hinkley the prophet of the church in 2007 said, "May there be peace and harmony in your homes.  Husbands, love and treasure your wives.  They are your most precious possessions. Wives, encourage and pray for your husbands.  They need all the help they can get."

Again, was not quite aware of that, but now I know.  How fun.  But that still doesn't answer the most basic question.  God said that multiple wives were an "abomination."  How could he have been ok with this?  His prophets married multiple women, some of which were as young as 14.  Surely, that couldn't have been cool.

Well, I forgot to share one super duper important scripture with y'all.  Jacob 2: 30 "For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up seed unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things."

The fine print.  God hates polygamy so much to call it an abomination, but is willing to make exceptions.  Phew!  Well, it wouldn't be the first time.  God commands "thou shalt not kill" but both the bible and the Book of Mormon have instances where god totally commands killing, so why not polygamy?  I mean, other than the children that Joseph married and fucked, everyone was consenting adults.  So who are we to judge?

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