Monday, February 14, 2011

The Book of Mormon: A summary: Part 1 (Because we need parts)

Joseph Smith had just translated them thar gold plates into a book.  And not just any book either.  This book was motherfucking scripture.  This was a new bible that contained the "fullness of the gospel."  The gospel had not been quite full before.  It was only mostly full or partially empty depending on how depressed you were.  But now this neat new book was going to make the bible its bitch.

Joseph remarked once or maybe several times that no book could get you closer to god than this book.  For a long time, I thought that god must have been in my dreams because reading the book of Mormon sure put me to sleep a lot.  But I guess scriptures are supposed to be boring.  The bible is fucking boring, and this book was supposed to be way holier than that so it must be way boringer.

The Book of Mormon starts off with some testimonials that this book is hella kewl and totally real.  3 dudes first say that they saw the plates and Joseph was legit in translating, and then 8 other homeslices say that they fondled the plates like you would your prom date.  Joseph wasn't allowed to show anyone else the plates, that would have been too easy for god to 'pass' us in this life that's really a 'trial.'  What good is faith when you can see shit and molest it with your own hands?  None good. That's what, now stop questioning god, he's very busy.  It takes a lot of hard work to get your image burned into a piece of french toast.

After some more promises that you will love Jesus even more than you already do, the Book of Mormon starts off with the non computer blogging of Nephi.

Nephi was this guy who's father was a prophet around 600 B.C.  Their family was warned by god that Jerusalem was going to be destroyed because god was sick of their shit and wanted to start over.  Nephi's father, Lehi, was a shitty public speaker and couldn't convince anyone to cut the sinning, so god ordered Lehi and his family to leave Jerusalem.  Now Lehi, and Nephi were already on board with this.  Nephi loving to lick god's asshole and brag about the sweet taste, but Lehi's dumb wife, and the two naughty boys, Laman and Lemuel were not too thrilled about this.  They decided to question Lehi about how and why they should leave Jerusalem.  Well, this sucks for everyone involved because you have to hear for like a hundred pages how big of douches Laman and Lemuel are, and how awesome Nephi is for obeying every fucking thing that god tells him to do.  This is what makes the first part of the Book of Mormon so goddamn boring from the get go:

God: Nephi, go to the city and get some brass plates.

Nephi: Thanks, god, that sounds like a great idea, by the way, when I think about you I touch myself.

Laman and Lemuel: That sounds so gay. Why don't we just stay here and play Xbox?

Nephi: Do you two know how cool I am and spiritual? Well let me count the ways blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Laman and Lemuel: Fine we'll go! If it'll just shut you the fuck up, Jesus.

And then the cycle repeats over and over.  The only good part is where god tells Nephi to kill a drunk man just to steal back a "book."

Hahahahaha! Awesome.  It's actually great because god tells Nephi to kill the guy named Laban, and Nephi is like, "dude, what the fuck? That's totally against my conscience."  And god just keeps pestering him until he does it.  God even reminds Nephi that Nephi's people would 'prosper in the land' if they kept god's commandments.  Yup, god fucking bribes Nephi in order to get him to kill this drunkard.  And once Nephi decides that the voices in his head telling him to kill are god, he doesn't just smother the guy, or even curb check him.  No Nephi takes out the Laban's sword and chops his head off.  Haha! 600 B.C.  Do you know what kind of hacking that would take?  Good lord, the blood would have spurted everywhere.

It's great because Nephi then takes Laban's clothes and then walks right into Laban's house and everyone just thinks Nephi is Laban.  So either everyone is tripping balls or god magically made Nephi look like Laban.  But Laban had to die for that too.

Oh, also! And I almost forgot this part.  God tells Nephi that Laban's death is necessary because "it's better that one man die then an entire nation dwindle in unbelief."  But Jerusalem still gets destroyed. So.........???  Whatever, I think god was just fucking with Nephi and each time he got him to do something, he nudged Jesus in the ribs and was like, "Did you see what I made him just do?  My god what a little bitch.  Haha!"

Now that Nephi had some brass plates book thingy, it was time to go.  Jerusalem was going to be destroyed and Nephi's family was going to go to America.  So god gets them to leave to go make a boat.  And, yes, you have to hear Laman and Lemuel bitch in excruciating detail the entire way with Nephi's commentary about how much Nephi loves god's abuse.

They make a boat because back then god loved telling people how to make boats.  And the family set sail.  Just like this:

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious! next time someone asks me what the book of mormon is about, I am going to send them here.