Mormonism's Beginnings Part 2: God's Pimped out Plates.

In the last installment Joseph Smith was visited by god and Jesus.  God told Joseph that he was going to "restore" Jesus's church on earth.  Jesus having a lot of trouble finding things--looses shit all the time.  Probably why he hasn't visited for awhile.  He's still yelling at Mary, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS??? I KNOW THEY WERE RIGHT HERE! I PUT THEM RIGHT HERE ON THE NIGHT STAND LAST NIGHT!!!  DO YOU KNOW HOW LATE I AM???"

But how was Joseph to do this?  Well, Joseph wasn't alone.  The very night after he had seen god he was visited by an angel.  And not just any angel.  A really, really hot angel dressed in a thin white robe.  The angel Moroni, sun tanned from all of his travels--rippling abs and waving white, shining hair.  Good lord, if Joseph didn't awake with a midnight boner, he sure must have gotten one from the homo erotic standard shining before him.

The angel Moroni wasn't there to show Joseph any past/present/future Christmases, nor was he there to instruct Joseph on the proper form of a reach around.  No, he was there to tell twink Joseph that gold ass plates were buried in them thar New York hills!

Hooooooooooooooolllly Fuuuuuuck!!! Angels with treasure.  We've had cities of angels, and have been touched by angels, but pirate angels???  Sweet Sexy Christ wearing a diaper on a cross!  Treasure!

The angel Moroni told Joseph some shit and then let him know that Joseph would be able to get to those plates when god and Jesus thought that Joseph had been properly spiritually lubricated enough.

The next morning Joseph went to get the plates, but couldn't for some reason that I don't give a shit enough to look up.  In fact the whole story kind of comes to a halt because Joseph goes on about several years passing before he can get to the hill that the plates are buried in and then several years before he can even take the plates out.  Joseph seemed to be unworthy at the time to get the plates--probably from the teenage chronic masturbation and gold digging.  But whatever.  You didn't come to my blog to do math.

Let's just say at some point, Joseph was actually able to get the plates from that cock teasing angel.  Well the box that he found them in had some cool shit in it other than the golden plates.  For one, it had "Laban's sword."  We don't know much about Laban's sword other than that it had +2 to decapitation and -5 against cold blooded murder.  The box also contained the Urim and Thummim which was some kind of god dammed breastplate or some shit.

Anyway, the angel Moroni told Joseph that the golden plates contained the record of the ancient Americans and that they contained a witness to Jesus coming to America--but not in the same kind of way that Eddie Murphy did in that crappy movie.  Joseph was going to translate the golden plates and then he was going to show the world that he was totally bad ass with a new bible.

The angel Moroni was very clear that NO ONE was to see the golden plates.  You see, god fucking hates proof of his existence.  He would rather everyone burn in hell than one person uncover anything that would actually confirm that he was real.  He likes to "test" people in a way that your worst teacher couldn't even dream of.  God's failure rate is approximately 99.98% for all of humanity, and that's the way that guy likes it.  No fucking do overs.  No study guide.  Shit, you don't even know that you are being tested right now and failing.  Hahahahaha! That worthless asshole sure has got your number.  And guess what?  Curve?  Only for his spoke's people.  You're better believe he's got his ass licking teacher's pets.  But you aren't one of them.  Too bad.  Statistically speaking, you're fucked, and that's just too god damned bad.

Next time we'll talk about what Joseph does with his golden plates.