Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 7 (Behold King Benjamin in all his glory!)

The book of Mosiah is going to be rough to get through.  We are now getting to the real "Jesus-y" parts of the Book of Mormon.

I know.  I know.  Jesus?  Groooooooooooaaaaaaaan.  Do we have to?

Yes, we do.  Not because it's important.  Learning about Jesus really isn't very important at all.  The vast majority of human beans that have ever lived never heard about Jesus, and they were just fine.  But we got stuck in a time where some bat-shit nut-cases think that Jesus wrote the American constitution, and that Jesus tells certain leaders to bomb other countries.  And those nutcases vote in droves.  So maybe it's a little bit important to at least learn about Jesus, so when you meet one of these freaks you can say, "fuck you!" with informed gusto.

The book of Mosiah starts with King Benjamin teaching his sons why it's so goddamn important to write on some plates.  And not in this kind of way:

No big daddy Ben says, "For it were not possible that our father, Lehi, could have remembered all these things (things referring to all the other shit we've already talked about), to have taught them to his children, except; it were for the help of these plates; for he having been taught in the language of the Egyptians therefore he could read these engravings, and teach them to his children, that thereby they could teach them to their children and so fulfilling the commandments of God, even down to this present time." Mosiah 1:4.

Now part of you is thinking, "it were not possible that our father could have remembered all these things. Well, DUH! Who the fuck needs to write down why we write shit down?  That just seems ridiculously unnecessary."

Well, fuck you, you judgmental tranny.  I for one am glad that this scripture is in this book.  And ANY TIME someone starts off a sentence with "I for one am glad..." it means "I'm better than you because..."  So, I'm better than you because this scripture tells us that the Book of Mormon was written in Egyptian.  And that's good to know.

Now because I have already established that I'm an expert mind reader, I know you're sitting back in your chair, folding your arms, and furrowing your brow in disbelief saying, "Wait a minute. Hold your apocalyptic horses, Raptor Jesus.  Why would Joseph Smith need some kind of magical translation system to translate the BoM if it was just written in Egyptian?"

Well a couple of reasons:

1. Fuck you. Questioning god's 'methods.' Seriously???  Yeah, fuck you.
2. God hadn't invented Egyptian translators yet.  So, Joseph Smith was the first of his kind.  And please don't look up Wikipedia to contradict me.  Just because Wikipedia says there were, doesn't mean shit.
3. It actually wasn't "Egyptian Egyptian" it was "reformed Egyptian" aka "the lazy asse's Egyptian."

See Joseph Smith was axed to translate some Egyptian to "prove" that he was a magic prophet, and that didn't turn out so well because god and god's chosen bad asses will NOT be PROVED like you have to!  But luckily the Book of Mormon was really written in "reformed Egyptian" so stop getting your Hot Topic panties with a 1-Up mushroom on the crotch in a twist.  Just because the Book of Mormon has something stated "literally" in it, doesn't mean that you have to "literally" take it that way.  That's what modern day Prophets and Mormon Apologists are for.  We already talked about the Book of Mormon saying horses were in America when America ain't got none horses then.  Mormon Apologists will tell you that "horses" probably just meant "tapirs" and "chariots" probably means "logs trailing behind tapirs" and Egyptian really means...You know what? Fuck it, just pay your fucking tithing!

Dammit, you guys are like three year olds. "Why? Why? Why? Why?"  It's scripture.  It tells you that it's true.  That means IT'S true, ok?  Christians figured that out a long time ago with their bible, and the Book of Mormon is the same principle.

Ok.  The Book of Mormon is true, and I'm now exhausted.  Are you happy?  Because that means that the next blog is going to have to do all the "Jesus shit" because I didn't get to it.

God! Fucking Assholes!

1 comment:

  1. If the real scriptures were as entertaining to read, church would have been a lot more fun.

    You could easily ask for 10% of followers income just for the privilege to read your insight...