Monday, February 21, 2011

The Book of Mormon Part 5 (Enos and his missing horses).

Last time (I've got to come up with another way of saying that.  All my blog entries are starting off that way) we talked about god only using polygamy to use women as future breed machines for his church.

And that's not just a clever phrase that I made up, it's a kick ass song performed by a band who has nothing better to do during harsh long winters than come up with amazing poly-rhythms.


Today's blog is brought to you by the letter H. And we aren't talking about wHores.  Naaaaaaaaaaay.  We are talking about Horses.  In America!

Before Columbus!

Yes, ye be hearing me correctly.

The Book of Enos starts of with Enos (I know it rhymes with Penis--but let's try to be fucking adults here.  And I mean fucking as an adjective and not as a gerund.  Yes, we could be FUCKING adults right now, and many of you might be axing, 'well, why not?' But we have work to do right now.  This stupid book isn't going to read itself, and you people sure as shit aren't going to read it--that's why you've come to my blog.  It's the movie version of this boring book, but without the fun, moving pictures.  But you still need to KNOW what's in the book so that the next time those sex deprived 19 year old boys in bad suits and white shirts with yellow "salt" stains in the pits come around and say, "do you want a free, stupid book?" You can say, 'No thanks. I read the cliff notes and got the cheat sheet from Raptor Jesus.')

Enos's soul "hungered" probably like the wolf, and he prayed so pants shittingly hard that god forgave his sins and told his ass, "Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen.  And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole." Enos 1:8

Now if you're like me, you can totally picture this music in your head when you read this:

And see this text:  "Courage and wit have served thee well. Thou hast been promoted to the next level."

And what does Enos instantly do with his new found forgiveness?  Well, like any good Christian he writes down exactly how big of pieces of shit his non-Christian "brethren" are.  In Enos 1:20 he writes "And I bear record that the people of Nephi did seek diligently to restore the Lamanites unto the true faith in God.  But our labors were vain; their hatred was fixed, and they were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a blood-thirsty people, full of idolotry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey; dwelling in tents, and wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle about their loins and their heads shaven; and their skill was in the bow, and in the cimeter, and the ax.  And many of them did eat nothing save it was raw meat; and they were continually seeking to destroy us."

Now this sounds like part of "Last of the Mohicans" but it is not.  Remember that god hated the Indians and cursed them to act like stereotypes described by white frontiers-men during the 1800's.  See, if you don't believe in Christ, you don't get technology advancements.  But if you believe in Christ like the Nephites, you get to be cool enough to "till the land, and raise all manner of grain, and of fruit, and flocks of herds, and flocks of all manner of cattle of every kind, and goats, and wild goats, and also many horses." Enos 1: 21.

See if you believe in Christ, not only do you get superior technology, but you also get to herd animals that don't seem to exist in the time period described by the book and leave no archeological trace of said animals.

I could describe this with a few jokes, or I could be lazy like unto the Lamanites and just post a wikipedia link for you:

There you go.  When you feel like perusing through it.  I didn't have any jokes about horses in pre-Columbian times.  Just doesn't seem funny to me.  If we were talking about statutory rape like last blog, sure.  But horses?  Whatever.  Yes, they have big cocks, and you can see women and men with horrible step-father issues doing terrible things to them on the internet, but I don't recommend it.  Just because you can find something on the internet, doesn't mean you should watch it.  We all learned that lesson a few years ago with "Two Girls One Cup."  And if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about--STOP!  Be grateful, and move on.  Curiosity in this case may not kill you, but it will definitely ruin Rocky Road ice cream for a long time.

Let's move to the book of Jarom because it will be quick.  He hates Native Americans too (what a fucking surprise), and that's about it.  Next book.

The Book of Omni.  This one is one of my favorites for one reason:  Omni 1:2

"Wherefore, in my days, I would that ye should know that I fought much with the sword to preserve my people, the Nephites, from falling into the hand of their enemies, the Lamanites.  But behold, I of myself am a wicked man, and I have not kept the statutes and the commandments of the Lord as I ought to have done."

Haha! This guy immortalizes his own shittiness.  In a book where everyone talks about how cool they are, and how much god's ass tastes like candy, this guy has the balls to say that he was a sinner.  And the editor of the book, Mormon, (whom we will talk about next time, leaves it in.)  Mormon thinks, "Fuck this guy forever! I'm leaving that phrase in--that'll teach him next time to be more like Nephi and everyone else and just talk about how spiritually superior he is."

So Omni sucks spiritually, and then he talks about this place called Zarahemla.  And I stopped caring.  This place is filled with people who have been there for awhile and have no real connections to anyone else, but they didn't bring "records" with them and were happy when they got "records" and no one gives a shit.  Seriously the place and the people sound stupid.  It's a tiny subplot that only Book of Mormon nerds care about.

It's like that scene in Empire Strikes back where Vader is going past all of the bounty hunters and it pans across them, and everyone is like, "HOLY FUCK! BOBBA FETT IS SO FUCKING COOL!" And you get to kind of follow him, but a couple of nerds are like, "I wonder who that skinny robot is.  I'm going to write some shitty fan fiction about THAT guy."

No one cares, nerds.  And yes, I know he has a name, but I don't know it, and that's why I'm slightly socially better than you.


  1. cimeter?

    Did Mr Smith mean a Scimitar?

    Funny... can't recall any being found in archaeological digs in America...

  2. I will leave a comment for you, only if you visit my blog and leave a comment. Hint hint.........

    But my comment will not defend the church.

    You are a great writer. I can't wait to read more, and as for those damn ads you have, you won't be making $$ off my visits, sorry...;)

  3. i loved the level up link. it made me laugh so hard snarf snarf