Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Book of Mormon Part 6 (Wow this is getting Ken Burns-ish with parts)

Behold! We are through 6 out of 15 "books" in the Book of Mormon.  Wohoo! Making great progress, our seminary and/or institute teachers would be proud!  Feel free to send them the link to my blog as 'proof' that you read.  Just remind them (and yourselves) to click on the ad links for fuck's sakes.  Raptor Jesus is tired of working a "real" job.  I'm a goddamn deity, I shouldn't have to work by the sweat of my brow like some kind of peasant.  Fuck that.  I spout shit from my mouth/keyboard, and you adore me and give me money.  That's how religion works if you haven't figured it out yet.  So, fucking DO IT!

Also, if one of the ads is for an exmo dating site.  Go there!  That shit is legit.  Serious, I know the guy who set it up.  Exmos are usually broken when it comes to dating and need to date other exmos.  You ever been out on a date with a Mormon/former Mormon?  Yeah, they need a dating site.  They also need you to stop being such judgmental assholes and realize that they have issues.  Show them a good time.  Buy them drinks. Fuck them ever so tenderly.  Call them the next day and pretend that you weren't weirded out after they showed you what goes on in the Mormon temple.

Ok, now on to the book entitled, "The Words of Mormon."  Even if you HAVE been paying attention, you would have no idea at all that the book of Mormon was really edited by a guy named Mormon unless you carefully went through the fine print of all the introductions.  If you flip to 1 Nephi and start reading, you get to the "Words of Mormon" and are like, "wait, who the fuck is this asshole, and why is he talking about 'many years after Christ shit himself and died?' I thought we were pre-Christ diaper shitting."

Well, Mormon was the dude who put all of the 'plates' together.  He was the editor, and he did a terrible job of it.

You see, god doesn't really care about competence.  In the Book of Mormon and the bible you often read phrases from the prophets like "I am not mighty in writing" or "I am not mighty in speech." Yet these are the guys who are called by god to persuade everyone to love god.  You would think that god would get someone who could actually speak or write to be a prophet but "god's ways aren't your fucking ways, dumbass."

See god would rather call some bumbling dickwit to call people to repentance so that god could punish the most of humanity as humanity possible.  Remember our discussion on god's failure rate.  Well, using incompetence as your spokespeople only helps boost your failure rate.  When you die and meet god, if you didn't believe and you say, "but your prophets were idiotic fuckwads, how was I supposed to know?" god can laugh at you and then pull the 'hell' lever.  You'd think after billions and billions of times it would get old, but it doesn't.  God loves that lever.

Mormon comes in to interject about how many Indians King Benjamin killed in the name of god, and how awesome it was, and how he did it with the sword of Laban and most likely jerked off with their blood as lubricant.  And all of this was done just so that people would know Christ.  Because that's what Christ loves more than anything.  Conquest over unbelievers.  In fact Mormon states:

"And it came to pass that after there had been false Christs, and their mouths had been shut, and and they punished according to their crimes; and after there had been false prophets, and false preachers and teachers among the people, and all these having been punished according to their crimes..." Words of Mormon 1:15-16.

Yeah he sounds a little like Gollum, but the important thing is that those false assholes got what was coming to them.  It's a crime to be a false prophet or Christ.  Not sure how you'd prove that, but it was against the fucking law, and your asshole got ruined for it.  A little later we'll talk about some of the 'false' teachers getting murdered by god because they dissented with him.  And that's totally bad ass.  God loves killing and he loves blood flowing in the streets, and if it can't be Indian blood, then it better be anti-Christ blood.

Also, Mormon talks about king Benjamin who "was a holy man, and he did reign over his people in righteousness;" Words of Mormon 1:17.  I thought I'd talk about him tonight, but all this talk about killing infidels has given me such a raging hard on, I need to take a cold shower.

1 comment:

  1. up until now i thought tears where the best lubricant. i will have to try blood snarf snarf