Most of you had heard the rumors that Regular Jesus was coming back on Saturday to judge the world and bring fire to the sinners of the earth.
And what a surprise that that shit didn't fucking go down. What may be a surprise though are the events leading to the anti-climactic 21st of May, 2011 year of the false lord.
Regular Jesus really WAS planning to come back. He let it slip to one of his craziest followers and told the asshole not to blab about it, but choosing crazy assholes usually leads to secrets leaked.
While I had heard the rumor as well, I hadn't thought there was much about it - but I laid my plans anyway. I invited Regular Jesus to attend a monster truck rally on Saturday with me. That way the only things getting burned would be the sacrifices rendered unto Truckasaurus.
Being the sneaky queef that he is, Regular Jesus stood me up and thought that I was preoccupied leaving Earth completely unprotected.
But I was my own plan's decoy. Regular Jesus was arrogant in his plan, and while he was gloating over burning chaff over wheat and calling people sheep and goats and other stupid things. He felt supreme and blood thirsty never realizing that I had enlisted the help of one of Earth's greatest warriors, Macho Man Randy Savage.