The MTC: Part 1 of possibly several!

Even though I didn't want to serve a mission, and I was anxious to begin the "best two years of my life," there was also an element of excitement that I felt too.  This was also going to be an adventure.  I was going to see and live in a completely new place.  Yes, I would be there to teach the gospel primarily, but I would be in Europe - going back to my honkie roots.

However, before actually stepping foot in Germany I had to be trained in order to know what the hell I was supposed to do, I had to spend 8 weeks in the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah.

We arrived that afternoon along with many other Elders who had been called to various places around the world and United States.  In order to keep things running like a seductively lubed clock, new Elders arrive at the MTC the same day of the week.  The Elders who had family living in the area were allowed to say goodbye to their missionaries at the MTC, some had already said their goodbyes for two years (Elders) or 18 months (Sister missionaries) earlier.

Those of us with families were herded into a very large room with our families and were shown an "MTC Orientation Video."  This incredibly cheesy production was there to assure all of us that we were going to be well cared for in MTC, and that we would come out ready to serve in god's army and would be well fed.  "There was all the cereal we could eat."  Ha-fucking-ha!

After the movie, the missionaries were instructed to tell their families to fuck off for the next couple of years and then we were taken to meet our "District."  Many Elders and their families were emotional at this point, but my mother's stoicism surged in me.  I said goodbye without tears and felt that if this was going to be an adventure that I wasn't sure about, let's at least get it out of the way.  Like Lot and his father-fucking daughters, I walked out of the room without looking back.

We were broken up into groups of about 10-12 Elders who were all serving in the same mission, shown our "rooms," were given our name tags (with a colored dot on them to show everyone else that we were noobs), the names of our soon to be companions, and shown the cafeteria.  My companion hadn't arrived yet, or was going through his own orientation, so I put my shit in the "sleeping quarters" - 2 bunk beds, cinder block walls, a few closets and drawers, and two desks for "studying" in what would be more like a narrow corridor than a large square room, and went to the cafeteria for dinner.

I ate alone, and that was the last time that I would have a meal alone for quite some time.

Later that night when everyone had arrived, we gathered together as a "District" to officially meet one another.  It would be a lot easier for my description if the other Elders conformed to Jungian archetypes, and I could just briefly show them like a James Cameron film, and you'd get the gist of their personalities and motivations, but that's not the case.  Instead, I'll just have to give them silly names in order to shortcut back-stories and concern myself with pacing.  And if the names seem too cryptic it's because I'm being George Lucas and just teasing you with eventual back-stories written more as "fanfiction" that I'll later pass on as "good enough."

My companion was Elder Cropduster (a future Idaho pilot hopeful from the farms), Elder Fartfignugen (He physically could not burp, so....), with his companion Elder Twinhumper (his "repentance" story was fantastic),  Elder Beastieboys (He loved the "band" because he was also a nerdy white guy who happened to love rap) and his companion Elder Catkicker (from Vernal, Utah - a place that has the most evidence for dinosaurs and the people who believe in them the least), Elder Mucus (don't ask) paired up with Elder Quietdiginity ("Quiet Dignity" was a phrase that encapsulated the pinnacle of Mormon leadership), Elder Patience (named for putting up with his companion), and his companion Elder Fuckwit.  It was clear to me that we had been given our companions based off of alphabetical order of our last names because I should have been Elder Fuckwit's companion, but instead I was Elder Cropduster's.  (And yes, I know it doesn't make sense with the names given because I fucking changed them.  If you are that stupid - please never have children.)  Later I would be eternally grateful for this human error.

Even though it was our first day in the MTC and after dinner that didn't mean that we didn't have shit to do.  We had to meet our teachers and the adult men who would be in charge of us.  We went to the room where we would be having German/Scripture/Missionary training classes for the next 8 weeks and met the three people who would be in charge of our development.  Because church titles were still incredibly important we met "Sister Schoolmarm," Brother "Spiritualpants", and Brother "Cicero."  We also met our "Branch Presidency."  These were the men who would act as our Bishop and Counselors for the next 8 weeks.  Now because Mormonism loves rank and file, we needed our particular peers who would report directly to the Branch Presidency.  We were taken into rooms and were interviewed to see who would be the best at telling the Branch Presidency everything that was wrong with the rest of us.  Elder Fuckwits and his companion Elder Patience had been chosen to be our immediate spiritual supervisors.  They were 19 years old, just like the rest of us, but they were chosen to be the first "managers" in our spiritual lives.

You have a question, concern, problem - you go to Elder Fuckwit first.  And on the same hand, if there was a problem, concern, or question with your spiritual performance, Elder Fuckwit was going to let you know.

The rest of us had just been honest in our interviews and had said that we didn't really have much experience bossing our peers around, but Elder Fuckwit with his "General Authority Pre-Maturely Balding Hair that was Swept Across With a Blow Dryer Feux Combover" was not so modest and let the Branch Presidency know that he had experience working with "troubled teens" and so got the job as our superior.

He was now our boss.

And the lord demanded obedience.