Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Raptor Jesus's Origin Story: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!

Like all good super heroes/deities, eventually an origin story must be told.  Scouring the internet only reveals lies.  Ass piss shit cum lies! about where I came from, and why I am here in human form today.  Some have mentioned that I'm merely a "meme" from the internet era arising from the philosophical question, "If people needed a Jesus to save them from their sins, shouldn't dinosaurs have needed one too?"  Others have raised false churches in my name and given me a really lame back-story.

Fuck that.  As my power on this world gets stronger, Satanosaurus is trying hard to suppress my return and my message to the world.  But like the avian/reptile half-breed that we both are, I will chase his ass down and then crush his windpipe with my powerful jaws and slash his major arteries with my sharp talons.

Mormon doctrine teaches that god the father (Elohim) was once a man and because of his faithfulness, he was "exalted" and became a god of this Universe.  Like much of Mormonism, that is a half-truth omitting the most important parts.

Before Elohim came, I was the god and savior of this universe.  I sent myself down in raptor form as my Son with the aid of also myself the Holy Ghostidon to go extinct for the sins of the known universe at the time.  While I had allowed Satanosaurus to tempt the children of Dinos, in order to preserve free will, what I was unaware of was that Satanosaurus had found a newly exalted "man" in a parallel universe.

While I am Omnipotent in this Universe, I am not so in others, and my focus was on tending my herds.  While going extinct for the sins of my kind and temporarily distracted, Elohim tore this universe a new hole and with the aid of "Black Materia" summoned the most powerful magic of all.  "Meteor."

He wiped out all of my children except a few, and then began to use the skills he learned from the High Evolutionary to turn mammals into "his own image."  Because he wanted no sign of my children to confuse his own, he slowly twisted them into what you now call "birds."  Eventually, Elohim was able to break a branch off of mammals into higher apes.  This disgusting species of piss drinkers and shit flingers would come to house his spirit children after a few more slight modifications.

My soul and power had mostly been destroyed, but not all of it.  I had housed a piece of my soul on the moon and feasted on the souls and flesh of the 7' tall "Quaker garbed" men that Elohim placed there.  (Sources tell me that Elohim also populated the Sun with people too.  But they all burned up.  What a dumbass.  You don't create life on the Sun.  Noob!)

Meanwhile Satanosaurus had changed his appearance to look like a human spirit and called himself, "Lucifer."  A council was put forth in "Heaven" on what was the "best" way to test his children to see who was "worthy" enough for future godhood.  "Lucifer" presented a plan where he would get everyone to become gods - including himself - not understanding that Elohim's true nature made him an elitist cockbreath.  Elohim's first born spiritual son, "Jehovah" laughed at Lucifer and said,  "No, we will make a nearly impossible test for our brothers and inferior sisters to pass and only the most obedient will come back to us.  However, I will go down and die for the "sins" of my brothers and sisters at the direction of my totally awesome father; I will also teach both love and hate, creation and destruction, peace and genocide  and establish my "Church" where only less than one percent of all of you will join in order to allow only the fewest to come back to party with us in the Highest Degree of Glory.

That fuckface was cribbing parts of my plan.  And upon reflection, my original plan didn't make any goddamn sense at all.  Send myself down as my own Son to save everyone else from the shit I didn't want them to do in the first place??? I was going to do it over a second time except that Elohim and his harem of subservient and illiterate bitches came in and ruined it all.

Lucifer left heaven in a huff dropping his name and returning to his old except with a human flair. He was feeling cheated because of his prior arrangement with Elohim, but he was also left in awe at how big of dicks Elohim and Jehovah were.  Satan was evil, but this plan was FUCKING evil, and He was able to convince one-third of all of Elohim's children to follow while the other two-thirds were going to take their miniscule chances at being saved in a plan that was working desperately against them.  Apes and their goddamn lottery - am I right?

As humanity and Elohim and Jehovah's plan unfolded, I bided my time waiting for my best chance to take my revenge.  I entered the body of a white male in the middle of Jehovah's True Church just before his return to earth.

Because of my weakened condition, what I didn't realize was the "veil" I would pass through wiping all of my memories from my past, and Satanosaurus (now simply Satan) still had a score to settle with me while I tried to find out who I really was.

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