Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Jesus is totally white...trash.

I know because we had a Memorial Day barbie-q (or Baughrbeauquex for the French) together.

I don't usually like to hang out with Regular Jesus because he's kind of a douche; plus he'd rather hang out in the strip clubs and by where the prostitutes gather. He says that he's only there to get them to "repent," but come on, we're not stupid.

Anyway, I invited him over and he actually showed up. It's obvious that he hasn't been out much lately because he is really pasty white, and his hair is all greasy. I have long hair too (in human form), but I can at least wash mine. Apparently that's too much trouble for his royal "king of kings" highness. And it was kind of funny to see his skinny arms and sunken chest with a protruding beer belly. I snickered at it and he gave me the whole, "judge not lest ye be judged" line - same tired bullshit material that's not really helpful when someone has really let themselves go and is totally in denial.

But whatever, I'm just trying to get him to wake up and do something productive for a change instead of just threaten people with a "return to glory" - the tell tale sign of a has-been.

"I'm going to do it, man. I'm totally going to come back and burn the shit out of the world."

Yeah right. We've heard this before. When is it going to actually happen?

"It's going to happen WHEN I SAY IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN! You don't even know, man. I'm going to come like a thief in the night. You don't even know. You'll just wake up one morning, and you'll be like, 'Whoa! What the fuck!? I'm on fire!' And then you'll be sad that you didn't respect me."

So, why haven't you done it yet? I mean what are you really waiting for?

"Man, fuck you. I still have some shit to do first you know. Like, I've got important SHIT to do first. Plus, I'm still waiting on some money from my dad. You know, he owes all this back child support to my mom. And that money was supposed to be mine. I have big plans, man. Just wait, you'll see."

The party was then ruined when Jesus turned all the water into booze and everyone got trashed without realizing it. Jesus became really loud and wouldn't shut up, so the cops came and he was arrested.

What a fucking surprise. That guy is always either getting arrested or running from the law.

So we all stood out on the front lawn while the cops shoved his head down into the car. He really made an ass out of himself too while shouting, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the 'King of Kings?'" The cops just laughed and asked what kingdom he was 'ruler' over, and they laughed even harder when he shouted, "My kingdom isn't of this world!"

Jesus is totally white trash.

1 comment:

  1. Now this post could have used the camaro comment for sure...