Draft Exit Letter

Yo Dodge,

It has come to my attention that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is total bullshit. I hereby renounce my membership in said church. I am aware that this will revoke all blessings and spells that your wizards and warlocks have placed upon me, just as I am aware that my access to the magyk of the priesthood will be shut off.

None of that bothers me because as a grown-ass man I know that Dungeons and Dragons isn't real just like this make believe religion.

While it won't stop your goons from contacting me, I will demand that this be the last contact I have with the racist, sexist, homophobic organization you call "the Church." Also, fuck the church - I don't need a bunch of be-diapered liars to tell me what I can and can't do in eternity, and who I can and can't be with after I die. I especially don't give a flying rat fuck about a leadership who pretends that this "church" is run by "Christ" but they don't even get to see his zombie ass.

Hahahahahahahaha. Your god is so fucking lazy and stupid. And I'm out.

Tell Monson he can lick my balls,


Raptor Jesus


P.S. I know you're not worried about me being the husk of the man you are, but just in case, don't worry about me now being open to the "buffetings of Satan." You see, I got an "Outstanding" on my "Defense against the Dark Arts" OWLS, and my Patronis spell is totally bad ass. It's a tiger, riding a dragon, that breathes sharks, who wield chainsaws.

I think I'll be OK.