Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Where are all the wimmens at???

The MTC truly was a great sausage fest, and sister missionaries were quite scarce in comparison to all those dongs twirling around like propellers on a bi-plane.

With sex being such an evil thing (except when a husband and wife are making more Mormons), most of the true believing children get married at a relatively young age.  Now, we're not talking "early Mormon church polygamy young" with 14 year old brides; rather, it was fairly common in my generation for a recently returned missionary at the age of 21 to get married within the year of his homecoming to some barely legal tender.

(I am compelled to insert a caveat here.  This practice is already changing, and the children seem to be waiting for longer periods of time to get married.  This is known because recently the Biggest Wigs have been bitching the youth out quite frequently to "stop 'hanging out' and get serious about marriage."  And we all know how well it works to yell at young people.)

Girls aren't allowed to go on missions until they are 21.  This gives them a chance to fulfill their true calling in this life of marrying a returned missionary, having some children, shutting the fuck up and making them all some goddamn sandwiches, having some more children, being petty with the other women at church, having some more children, and now blogging about how much they love the church while posting on YOUR Facebook page about how inferior YOU are because you don't want the same life that they chose -- Because they have TRUE HAPPINESS, GODDAMMIT!  AND YOU DON'T!

So when you see a Sister Missionary -unwed at 21- there's a subtle cultural gut reaction of, "Huh, I wonder what's wrong with this chick?"

Sometimes it's obvious. When Mormons say, "Oh, she's such a sweet spirit."  That's passive aggressive for, "She's nice but looks like a hideous bridge troll."  And this isn't helped by the dress code that forces even the fairest Sister in all the land to look like she got the frigid librarian as her fairy-god-mother and is on her way to be the belle of the "frump ball."

Sometimes it's not so obvious, and you get a super hot Sister Missionary running "wild" in the MTC.  Every day missionaries are told that a major source of their spiritual powers come from being obedient to the mission rules.  So the more obedient the more spiritual you are, right?  And you are surrounded by others all jostling for position about who can piss the spirit the furthest.  Occasionally this would erupt in a cascade of pettiness.

"Sister Cocktease is such a slut.  She was totally talking to Elder Blueballed for like 20 minutes."

"I know! And then right after that!  She totally started talking to Elder Precum!"

"I think it's gotten out of hand.  We should tell the District Leader."

"Yeah, she wouldn't want to get sent home for being a raging whore."

One night I was brushing my teeth at 9:15pm.  The other District Leader entered the bathroom and informed me that I needed to be in my room for the end of the day.  I responded that I had 15 minutes because the rules were that we were to be in our rooms at 9:30.  The District Leader retorted that he wanted us in bed before that, and I informed him that the rules were the rules and not his.  I had 15 minutes.

My District Leader, Elder Fuckwit, overheard the exchange and was furious.  "How dare I be so insubordinate???"

"The fuck you talkin bout, Elder?"

"He is a District Leader.  You do what he tells you to."


"What do you mean, 'no?'"

"I agreed to follow the Mission Rules.  Not his, and not yours."

Elder Patience gently interjected, "He has a point.  We can't just go around making up our own rules."

Elder Fuckwit spluttered, "We're still District Leaders.  We demand respect."

"So do I."

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